Tomorrow is surgery day
In twelve hours, I'll be in a hospital gown, enduring what I expect to be the longest two hours of my life. I didn't really sleep last night, nor the past few, and don't expect to tonight. I've been overwhelmed by questions and forms and information (guess who didn't think to have his insurance information ready). The weight of it all overwhelms.
I've known this was the path I wanted to take for many months. I've thought about the outcomes, likely and unlikely. About the costs and complications. I know I've done my due diligence, but still this feels like a decision I'm unable and unready to make. I don't think any amount of information and time would change this. But I know I've taken the time, and I know that whatever part of me is voicing these doubts is completely ignoring the horrors that abandoning treatment would mean. I'm ready to make this choice, and have been for a while. I don't have to like being forced by the cancer into this position, but I do want to try and make the best of a terrible situation.
I may not write again for many days. You're all important to me, and I hope to have someone update you all, but please be patient, my family rightfully respects my privacy much more than I do. The procedure often can run as long as ten hours, it's going to be a very long day for everyone but me.
