Last minute doubts
I submitted the surgical consent forms this morning. It was a single page. It feels wrong, somehow. This is one of the most important decisions I've ever had to make, and it just feels like the process should have been grander.
Friday, when I got the news, I was put into an excited state. For the first time since August, I felt hope and elation. It was fantastic, but like so often happens, it was too much. Last night, I came down. The weight of it all hit me at once. Not just moving forward with this stage of treatment, but the having cancer itself. It's happened a few times, usually when I was getting ready for chemo again. There's part of me that refuses to accept the diagnosis, and when that part has to accept reality, in this case reading the full list of procedures I consented to, the resulting mental chaos is indescribable. And then there's the constant feeling of terror.
I'm doing okay, we'll get through this.
