Cancer Selfies

Tuesday October 10, 2023

Trips & Treatment

This set of photos was taken over the past month.

I can't remember if I've said anything about the CT scan I got a few weeks ago, or the blood work I had done before I left for Bancroft, but that has happened, and it's time to see my oncologist. The appointment is tomorrow afternoon.

I don't have a good understanding of how people think I'm doing. I know I've been pretty vocal about how the surgical recovery has been going (very well, overall, but further gains are likely to be small, although its possible I don't yet know my capacity in some regards). But I have been less vocal (I think) about cancer symptoms.

I haven't been able to sleep through a night in weeks. I'll wake up, with my guts feeling like their solid, in the middle of the night. Sometimes water makes me have to use the bathroom with urgency. Sometimes it makes me throw up for a half an hour. Either way, sometimes I can get back to sleep, sometimes I doze until noon.

The list of things my dietician recommended I avoid a month or two ago has become largely mandatory. The small amount of coleslaw you get with fish and chips is usually fine, but salad or a helping of broccoli is a mistake. Fish never seems to be a problem, chicken is fine unless fried, and most red meat should be avoided. These rules must be followed exactly when far from home, or if I want to travel the next day, but can still be relaxed a bit if I'm staying in the Midland area.

The combination of chemotherapy and sleeplessness, at least, have left me extremely forgetful, clumsy and sluggish. I keep losing my keys. I've forgotten how to do basic computer stuff I've known for decades (or have tried to do it the Windows 95 way). I cannot focus on books, even though I got a fun adult book about dinosaurs from the library. My cooking abilities, long atrophied by years of deep depression, can't manage with my boring diet, tiny kitchenette and lack of energy to do dishes or other chores.

There are pains. Pains in places I especially don't want them, places that might indicate tumor growth (but probably not spread). But are they the sort that predate all this? I can't remember. I'll bring them up.

I'm extremely tired. I'm not particularly jazzed about continuing to do this. I've grown more and more convinced that the Bancroft trip is my post surgery peak, and that it's slow decline from here on. Those sort of thoughts are the way of madness, but the nature of the recovery and the disease means there will exist a peak or plateau.

Two weeks ago I was pretty certain I would not be restarting chemotherapy this time. The CT scan report only reinforces this conclusion. But the last few weeks have been rough, and I'm a lot less sure now.

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of some large plastic skulls A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a stone building with a plaque that reads "Designated Heritage Site, Ye Olde Jailhouse, Township of Bexley, 1890, Heritage Victoria"

One of the places that claims to be Canada's Smallest Jailhouse, Coboconk

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair happily stands in front of a wall made of active bee hive covered in clear plastic

Bees! Settler's Villiage, Bobcaygeon

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a the panel of an antique dairy truck (photographer has forgotten if its motorized or horse drawn) with Kawartha Dairy written on it

Antique dairy truck, Settler's Villiage, Bobcaygeon

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a a rock outcrop on the side of the road, he is pointing to a horizontal gap that has weathered into the rock. The lower rock is grey and has no visible layers and is metamorphic, the upper rock has horizontal layering and is sedimentary

The Unconformity, near Burleigh Falls

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a large Ontario Provincial Police emblem inside the OPP Museum wearing a stylaized Halloween (1978) t-shirt that reads "Get in Loser, We're Going Slashing", he is also wearing a clip on visitor's badge for the museum

The OPP Museum, Orillia

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a display board that reads "42. Couchiching", it is a sign for a lock station on a waterway

I've visited a lot of locks, and have so many more to go. This one has a restaurant with pretty good fish and chips

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a some marsh plants

At the marsh

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a green and white sign that reads "Parks Canada, Saint-Louis Mission, National Historic Site of Canada"1

A tiny tiny tiny little historic site in Tay Township, near Midland. This sign is most of the site, sadly

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a sculpture primarily made of wood with metal and other objects afixed to it, it has a face and is supposed to be reminiscent of a settler, it is taller than the man <figcaptionHuntsville sculpture forest A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a sculpture of a moose made of scrap metal pieces, several horseshoes and rail road spikes are able to be made out

Huntsville sculpture forest

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a concrete structure shaped like a large person made of balloons, there is a green coroded copper casting of a maple leaf on its upper left chest

Huntsville sculpture forest

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a forest waterfall

Hogg's Falls, Beaver Valley, near Thornbury

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a brick wall, which seperates him from a ravine with a high waterfall at one end, the scene takes place in an autumn forest in the sun

Eugenia Falls, Beaver Valley, near Thornbury

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a white pine branch, which partially obscures a rapids-waterfall, much Canadian shield is visible in the foreground, and it comprises the entirety of the waterfall

High Falls, Bracebridge

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a low waterfall with no crest, the Canadian shield rocks are identifyable as gneiss from the texture visible in the photo

Port Sidney Falls, Port Sidney

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a manually operated lift lock station, a picnic table is in the foreground

A lock! Huntsville

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of an outdoor mural of Tom Tompson's painting "Northern River"

Huntsville has a lot of beautiful mural reproductions of Tom Thomson and the Group of Seven's artwork. This is the one that I liked most as a photo with me in it (the painting is Northern River by Tom Thompson)

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of an outdoor mural of Tom Thompson's painting "The Jack Pine" on the side of a wooden building, he is estatic

The Jack Pine. Nearly a religious experience

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a window looking out on an urban forest

At the McMichael Canadian Art Collection

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a stone fireplace with a sign reading "Canoe Lake" on the mantle

At the McMichael Canadian Art Collection

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a sumac bush which has begun to turn red in the autumn, his moustache curls on the ends A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands on top of a pile of off white rocks, most are pop can size but larger boulders the size of curling stones also exist

You guys gotta believe me this is a really good rock pile, totally worth the 3 hour drive

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a wooden fence seperating him from a steep hill covered in autumn colours, hills stretch out to the horizon, some covered in green conifers, others the red and gold leaves of the season, a river snakes through the midground

Eagle's Nest Lookout, Bancroft

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair looks alarmed in front of a chain link fence and a sign that reads "No Trespassing, Trespassers will be Prosecuted"

I think I'm technically in the clear here

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands between rows of corn A man with short hair and bushy facial hair struggles to hold up a large, tall pumpkin roughly the size of his torso

Too heavy to carry

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits on the ground in front of a hay bale that has been decorated like a birthday cake, it has six candles made of pool noodles topped with autumn leaves arranged to look like fire A man with short hair and bushy facial hair pretends to struggle to hold back a large concrete sphere in front of a wooden farm fence

Giant Banting Sphere, Banting birthplace, Alliston

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in a pumpkin patch with a vine holding several small orange pumpkins around his neck A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits in his apartment, lights in the background imitate a nebula as captured by the Hubbel Space Telescope

From the comments

James Petrosky: When I started, I had many reasons to take my selfies, but I was pretty certain they weren't for me. I have no idea if they were then, I don't have access to that brain state. They're absolutely, in part, for me now

James Petrosky: I took a drive, ate a shawarma, almost ate some additional Taco Bell (the line was too long), had a nice drive until I met a raccoon, found a potential corn maze that's very close, and feel a bit better. It's hard to make yourself eat when your stomach is off, even when you know it'll make you feel better. And I need to try harder to get out of the apartment every day, even for a little walk, even if it's hard once the October storms come and it's always so rainy. None of these steps solve anything, but it isn't about solutions, it's a about comfort. For that reason, I'm happy to see my oncologist tomorrow. I get to do a trip to Barrie, I get to talk to people and be around people who, sadly, understand my situation. I get to go for pho after, which is damn near the perfect food for if you're chronically underhydrated like me.
I don't like chemotherapy, but I like trips and cats and people, so if it's time for it, then I look forward to quiet days laying in bed watching old noirs.

posted at 17:28  ·   ·  Surgical Recovery  Short Hair  Thick Hair  Brown Hair  Long Beard  Home  Balm Beach  Tiny Marsh  Trent-Severn Waterway  Coboconk  Bobcaygeon  Burleigh Falls  Orillia  Couchiching  Haliburton  Thornbury  Bracebridge  Port Sydney  Huntsville  McMichael Canadian Art Collection  Bancroft  Marmora  Alliston  Skull  Memento Mori  CT Scan  Blood Work  Vomiting  Nausea  Pain  Fatigue  Diharea  oncologist

Friday September 15, 2023

Sunday September 10, 2023

Monday September 04, 2023

A Walk in Tiny Marsh

Join me as I walk the length of the main dyke at Tiny Marsh. We see sandhill cranes, great blue herons, swans, some ducks and geese and a whole lot of frogs.

The first half, we talk about the wildlife, the marsh, and stories I have about these creatures. On the way back, we talk about Meg 2: The Trench and other magnificently stupid movies.

This is shot with a head mounted camera, so the camera moves a lot and is shakier than is idea.

posted at 21:05  ·   ·  Surgical Recovery  Short Hair  Thin Hair  Brown Hair  Long Beard  Video  Tiny Marsh  Geese  Swans  Great Blue Herons  Ducks  Frogs  Sandhill Cranes  Film

Monday September 04, 2023

Mortality

I reflected on this on September 4, 2024

This is the anniversary of when I started this album. I'm not sure what I thought I was doing then, but eventually I found my comfort zone relating my experiences with the medical system - the administrative side and the treatment side. This was a comfortable place through chemotherapy, and honestly an exciting one for me to be in through surgery. But I've struggled a bit since then.

I thought it was just that surgical recovery was boring (and it is), but chemotherapy was the same two week cycle sixteen times, and I never felt this way about it. I still talk nonstop about my cancer, as any of you who know me in person, or are in the same Facevook groups, can attest. But I haven't been able to figure out this place.

I think the reason is that, in light of my failed surgery and prognosis, the only place it made sense for me to go was do the same kind of day by day thing, but instead of it being about getting the full cancer trearment experience at 35, it's about grappling with mortality at 36 and, statistically, dying at 37.

Mental health wise, I'm just coming down from a minor hypomanic episode and feel stable, bipolar wise. My lithium levels are good. If asked how I'm doing, I'd truthfully answer "good, given the circumstances," but I can't tell you if that means I'm doing good.

I'm not an actor, though, when you see a look of delight on my face, that's real. I do have an actual notebook with an actual list of neat stuff to do and I am actually crossing things off on all my little adventures. I'm getting out and experiencing the world. Probably doing way more than I ever would have if I remained otherwise healthy, too, which is a thought too terrifying to contemplate.

To end, because it's been haunting my dreams and hopefully sharing will help, if someone, someday, talks about my death bed conversion, know that they are a disgusting fiend who takes advantage of the vulnerable to glorify themselves. If disease progression or treatment leaves me vulnerable earlier than that, same logic applies. These people were never able to convince me so far, I doubt they'll come up with something compelling in the next few years. I doubt I'm interesting or notable enough to receive this treatment, but I know it happens, so I know I'm not 100% unreasonable in my fears.

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a rusty old truck, fields appear to be in the background

Outside Bala, Ontario, searching for its Bog Beast (visible in far background)

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits in a folding chair, smiing, with a hat with a goose on it A man with short hair and bushy facial hair lies in bed with a small hamster Squishmallow

When I bought it, I thought it was a cat, I now realize it's a hamster. My first pets were a pair of hamsters, who's claws terrified me so much I barely held them. And now I have a cat who walks up and bites me for unknown feline reasons, we change so much

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of the water, with the lights from a bar reflected, at sunset

At Balm Beach, arcade, store and restaurant visible as bright lights

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a drainage ditch on a dam, the water is murkey

Recording videos at the marsh

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands, the camera is angled so you can see his messanger bad with a blue shark and white goose plush attached

Goose friend!

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits in a Muskoka chair, side eyeing a Parks Canada beaver logo stamped on it

Suspect beaver (at Kirkfield lift lock)

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a steel door covered in grafiti

Mystery door, Collingwood

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of some fish sculptures bolted onto a wall, they're painted rainbow colours, one is painted in trans flag colours

Rainbow trout, Thornbury

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of an old wooden tressle bridge

Old historical rail bridge, Thornbury

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits at the Balm Beach waterfront

A cool evening, down by the bay

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in an antique store recreation of a 70s living room, a blond woman is sitting on the couch

Most antique shop booths are dragon's hoards of shiny things, thrown together. This one was a beautiful room (ft [Lilly]({tag}Lilly))

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in an antique store, a sholder hight creepy monkey statue is centred in the frame

Is he looking at me?

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair lays in bed looking tired with a long, curled moustach

State of the Moustache

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits in a computer chair holding a plastic skull

Memento mori

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits on a second floor patio overlooking a busy beach

At the restaurant in Balm Beach (I had what they called an Austin Cheese Steak, which i assume is a regular cheese steak with Texas grilling traditions. I have no idea, it was delicious though)

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a giant inflatable pizza shaped flotation device

I'm stoned in some of these pictures, but not this one, no matter how it looks.

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a poster for Meg 2: The Trench

10/10, only note is that I wanted more giant octopus

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits on a bench in a marsh looking contented and relaxed

I can tell the chemo really effected me because it's above 30C here, there's no shade for 2km, I've already been outside for half an hour, and I'm just comfortable.

From the comments

James Petrosky: 37 is an estimate. I don't want anyone who knows me well enough to start doing math on my birthday and panicking. 38 is probably a better estimate, but 37 fits the flow a lot better, and it's all statistics based on regular colon cancer anyways

James Petrosky: I want to dramatically say "from here on in its all about death" but honestly it's been that way for a while. You have no idea how happy the "thinking about death" joke in Barbie made me, because a) it was funny, and matched my mental state perfectly and b) gave me a lot of cover to joke about it all summer. So thank you, Uncontrollable Thoughts of Death Barbie, you're a life saver.

James Petrosky: Somewhat related to liars for Jesus are liars for other spiritual causes. Mediums, channelers, seyances, ghost hunters, it's all evidence free nonsense, and they do tremendous harm to people undergoing grief by giving them a false hope that can never, ever be realized. If there is somehow an afterlife that can communicate back to the living, I promise you I'll never, ever give these dangerous frauds the time of day. I can be a stubborn person, and this is the thing I'm most stubborn about, so you can be sure I'll hold to it.

Because we live in something approaching a techno dystopia, it's possible to train a large language model on someone's social media history to create a computer program that can write and speak like you can. Maybe there's not enough information available for me. Almost certianly I'm not important enough for this treatment. But if this is done, and it's done well enough to be convincing, the output program is also not me. It's just an actor, playing a role. The same as a spiritualist, they just learn their script from different sources.

posted at 20:55  ·   ·  Surgical Recovery  Short Hair  Thick Hair  Brown Hair  Long Beard  Squishmallow  Bala  Home  Balm Beach  Tiny Marsh  Kirkfield Lift Lock  Trent-Severn Waterway  Collingwood  Thornbury  Sandford & Sons Antiques  Antique Store  Skull  Memento Mori  Barrie  Film  Christianity  Deathbed Conversions  Liars for Jesus  Spiritualists

Tuesday August 22, 2023

Tuesday August 22, 2023

Thursday August 17, 2023

Treatment on pause

This isn't even an anniversary I remembered, but on this day in 2022 my partner and I sat with the surgeon I'd been seeing for my abdominal pain and had all our worst fears confirmed by the results of test after test. And you know what? It's fine. I forgot. My partner and I went to the Toronto Zoo, not to mark time but because it's a fun way to spend a summer day.

Apparently the beaver at the zoo has passed away, and that hit me much harder emotionally than August 17 ever could. The beaver wasn't the fattest or roundest of the fatrounds, but they slept right against the glass window that opened into their lodge, so you could always get a good view. The beaver was probably my favourite exhibit.

I have no appointments in the next month. I've grown used to seeing someone every week or two. It's honestly become part of my identity. I'm not upset about it, obviously, but it's still weird. I've been busy, and my strength has been returning, which is also nice.

A man short hair and bushy facial hair sits on a restaurant patio

At a restaurant in Balm Beach

A man short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a sign reading "Tiny Marsh" on the side of a weathered wooden building

At Tiny Marsh, looking for water fowl

A man short hair and bushy facial hair reclines on a folding chair

Relaxing in my yard

A man short hair and bushy facial hair sits on a rock with more rocks in the background

Balm Beach breakwater

A man short hair and bushy facial hair sits on a rock with more rocks and a small building in the background

Balm Beach breakwater

A man short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a large machine riding on train tracks, most of it is not in frame

At the Big Chute Marine Railway

A man short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a chain link fence protecting a large transformer, a sign that reads "Danger high voltage, no tresspassing"

I'm a big fan of hydro

A man short hair and bushy facial hair pokes his head above a sign that reads "School House" done in an old style

At the Coldwater, Ontario, museum

A man short hair and bushy facial hair excitedly stands in front of an old steam powered tractor

Steam tractor (at the Coldwater Museum)

A man short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a huge apple tree, looking shocked

So many apples (they're pretty tart though)

A man short hair and bushy facial hair sits next to a woman with a short rainbow mohawk in front of pink flowers

My partner and I at the Toronto Zoo

A man short hair and bushy facial hair sits next to a woman with a short rainbow mohawk in front of yellow and red flowers

My partner and I at the Toronto Zoo

A man short hair and bushy facial hair sits in front of yellow and red flowers

If there was ever a real life fire flower

A man short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a large sculpture of a polar bear made out of plastic waste

A bear made of garbage
posted at 10:48  ·   ·  Surgical Recovery  Short Hair  Thin Hair  Brown Hair  Long Beard  Toronto Zoo  Toronto  Balm Beach  Tiny Marsh  Trent-Severn Waterway  Coldwater

Tuesday August 15, 2023

Friday August 11, 2023

Monday July 31, 2023

Monday July 31, 2023

Tuesday May 30, 2023

Last minute doubts

I submitted the surgical consent forms this morning. It was a single page. It feels wrong, somehow. This is one of the most important decisions I've ever had to make, and it just feels like the process should have been grander.

Friday, when I got the news, I was put into an excited state. For the first time since August, I felt hope and elation. It was fantastic, but like so often happens, it was too much. Last night, I came down. The weight of it all hit me at once. Not just moving forward with this stage of treatment, but the having cancer itself. It's happened a few times, usually when I was getting ready for chemo again. There's part of me that refuses to accept the diagnosis, and when that part has to accept reality, in this case reading the full list of procedures I consented to, the resulting mental chaos is indescribable. And then there's the constant feeling of terror.

I'm doing okay, we'll get through this.

A man wearing a blue shirt wears a wide brimmed sunhat in front of a wetland A man wearing a blue shirt wears a wide brimmed sunhat in a forest next to a ditch A man wearing a blue shirt stands in front of a bush, left hand behind his head, and PICC visible A man wearing a blue shirt stands in front of a bush smiling

posted at 19:23  ·   ·  Surgical Period  Hospitalization  Short Hair  Thin Hair  Brown Hair  Short Beard  Tiny Marsh

Sunday October 23, 2022

Monday October 10, 2022

Sunday October 09, 2022

Scarves are way more useful now

Cycle 2 Day 11

Last week I noticed that my hair was thinning noticeably. Today I noticed that my facial hair is following the same pattern. But I was able to be the most physically active I've been in nearly a year today. I was limited by dinner time, not nap time, for the first time since at least the spring. The side effects are difficult, and even though it can never be a cure, the treatment works, and it's worth all the hair loss.

A man with long green hair wearing a sweater with a bear wearing a sweater on it stands in front of a mirror with a a window sticker that looks like dripping blood on it

Haunted mirror

A man with long green hair wearing a brown corderoy jacket and red scarf satands in front of a wetland

Back at the marsh

A man with long green hair shows off his sweater with a bear wearing a cable knitt sweater on it

Sweater bear sweater is the best sweater

A man with long green hair wearing a green sweater, brown corderoy jacket and red scarf stands in front of a tree who's leaves have turned all colours, red through yellow, Photo 1

I like scarves normally, but they've become a lifesaver to me now. They're the easiest layer to remove or replace, and are much easier to carry than a sweater or coat. They've become an item I always have around rather than one I wear December-February

A man with long green hair wearing a green sweater, brown corderoy jacket and red scarf stands in front of a tree who's leaves have turned all colours, red through yellow, Photo 2

Autumn colours

A man with long green hair wearing a green sweater, brown corderoy jacket and red scarf stands in front of some shrubs, most have lost their leaves

This was supposed to better feature that exploded cattail over my shoulder

A man with long hair is holding a sparkler, his features are difficult to make out but is wearing the same clothes as previous pictures. It is dark and the clouds are lit by a bright moon, which is not in frame

The sky menace with spikes of cloud

From the comments

James Petrosky: The cattail, in its fluffy magnificence A cattail plant is visible. The brown part at the top has dried and broken open, fluffy white seeds are everywhere

posted at 15:06  ·   ·  Pre-Surgery Chemo  Chemotherapy  Course 1  Long Hair  Full Hair  Green Hair  No Beard  Tiny Marsh  Home

Saturday October 08, 2022

Sweater weather forever

Cycle 2 Day 10

Its Thanksgiving weekend in Canada, and we're having our turkey dinner tonight. We rarely have it on Monday, the day Thanksgiving actually falls, because you have more non work days to eat delicious leftovers. This time, it's not work, but the start of Cycle 3 on Thursday, that motivates celebrating early.

To my Canadian friends, I hope you have the Thanksgiving you dream of.

To my non Canadian friends, have a wonderful weekend.

A man with long green hair stands on a sidewalk, a lakeside motel behind him

Dawn, down at the beach

A man with long green hair wears a black shirt and dark green cardigan, behind him is a poster for a fake movie called "Girl with the Stolen Raygun" A man with long green hair wears a brown corderoy jacket and a striped red scarf, he is sitting in a car A man with long green hair stands on a beach, big water behind him

It's cold down at the (other, larger) beach

A man with long green hair sits on top of a picnic table, a forest path behind him A man with long green hair hugs a black standard poodle, only their heads are visible, his facing down, her's facing up

My goof poodle ❤️

A man with long green hair hugs a black standard poodle, who is lying down, a golden labradoodle lays down next to them, but her head is up

My poodle pals

From the comments

James Petrosky: Another of the poodles on their own A black standard poodle and a golden labradoodle sleep in a dog bed, their heads touching

James Petrosky: The menacing October sky of Lake Huron A landscape photo of a desolate looking beach with streaks of dry white sand over dark wet sand, big water broken by many whitecaps, and a sky that promises that winter is coming

James Petrosky: Thanksgiving dinner round these parts (this little cottage, specifically, and not necessarily anywhere else) is a roasted turkey served with fresh (never canned, canned was served at a family gathering once years ago and that faux pas is still talked about), mashed potatos, dressing (no stuffing is served), gravy, boiled turnip and steamed green beans. Peas often replace the beans, but we found some fresh ones this week.

Unfortunately neither of my brothers, nor my partner, could make it. But we do the best with who we have (namely, my parents and the poodles)

James Petrosky: In case you were wondering what we watch on tv during and after dinner, is the United States National Park Service Alaskan bear cam and a collection of webcams in Siberia.

James Petrosky: Sunset at Woodland Beach A boardwalk stretches towards the water, the sky is cloud filled except at the horizon, where its orange

posted at 15:06  ·   ·  Pre-Surgery Chemo  Chemotherapy  Course 1  Long Hair  Full Hair  Green Hair  No Beard  Tiny Marsh  Bessie  Thanksgiving  Balm Beach  Home  Wasaga Beach  Poodles

Friday October 07, 2022

First Thanksgiving after diagnosis

Cycle 2 Day 9

Today is the first properly cool day yet, we've had a some chilly mornings, but days have made it to the double digits. Not so today. Today I learned I'm going to need to get used to wearing a lot more sweaters than I've ever had to before.

I'm choosing to take this as an opportunity rather than a setback, because sweaters are quite nice and I adore cardigans.

A man with long green hair stands in front of red and orange sumac leaves A sepia tone picture of a man wearing a corderoy jacket and flat cap standing in front of the bolder shorline of Lake Huron A man with long green hair stands in front of shrubs with red and yellow leaves, cat tail plans and a marsh A man with long green hair lays his head next to the head of a black standard poodle, both are comforted

posted at 15:06  ·   ·  Pre-Surgery Chemo  Chemotherapy  Course 1  Long Hair  Full Hair  Green Hair  No Beard  Tiny Marsh  Bessie  Thanksgiving

Monday October 03, 2022

Back at the marsh

Cycle 2, Day 5

Immediately noticeable side effects were pretty easy this time. I've learned how to properly take my side effect medicine, especially the one for nausea. My energy levels are back near where they were on last day 14.

But it was a bad weekend for my hair. After carefully brushing out a mat that developed over the weekend (probably started earlier, I've been really scared to touch it at all) I lost half a sink full. I knew this was coming.

A man with long green hair stands in front of a tree

Today I speak for the trees

A branch with leaves and unripe berries is in centre frame, a man with long green hair stands off to the left of it

I didn't intend for this plant to be in frame, but I'm going to try again sometime.

A man with long green hair sits on a bench on a narrow dirt road through a wetland

Waiting for my Catbus

A human is photographed from behind, only long green hair is visible, a road and wetland are visible

No geese, few ducks, two swans.

A man with long green hair sits on the ground, looking tired, on the side of a path through a wetland

I overdid it, I should have done the 2km walk, not the 3.5km one. I've just realized my mistake, but I already passed half way, so I have to keep going.

A man with long green hair sits on the ground, photographed through several blades of grass

The giant blade of grass at the middle left ruined a bunch or the great photos because it is a cruel abstraction

A man with long green hair lays in bed, an orange cat with wide eyes lies in front of him, a large Squishmallow fish next to him

I moved the Squishmallows to their hammocks and Thomasin is instantly happy to have her fifth favourite napping spot back. She immediately came for a snuggle and even let take this photo

From the comments

James Petrosky: My catbus has arrived

A repeat of the photo of a man sitting on a bench, with a Catbus from My Neighbor Totoro in the foreground

posted at 17:16  ·   ·  Pre-Surgery Chemo  Chemotherapy  Course 1  Long Hair  Full Hair  Green Hair  Hair Loss  No Beard  Tiny Marsh  Thomasin  Squishmallow

Sunday September 11, 2022

A walk at the marsh

I've been under no illusions about my situation since I first learned of the diagnosis, but the past few days have been the emotional weight of it all coming to fully rest on my shoulders. It's been hard. Really hard. I'm tired a lot and today I has to give up on something because it causes me physically too much pain. I'm still haven't fully accepted that, yet.

But I met some swans up close, and Thomasin is very cute, and I have amazing friends and family (all the readers included ❤️) and I'm excited/terrified that I start chemo in four days.

Thank you all for sticking with me so far ❤️

A man with green hair stands in front of a wetland, Photo 1 A man with green hair stands in front of a wetland, Photo 2 A man with green hair stands in front of a lookout structure in a wetland A man with green hair stands in front of some swimming swans, Photo 1

My swans ❤️

A man with green hair stands in front of some swimming swans, Photo 2

My swans ❤️ (no idea why it's always this face)

A man with green hair stands in front of some swimming swans, Photo 3

More swans! From above

A man with green hair stands in front of some swimming swans, Photo 4

Swans! The sun was bright

A man with green hair stands in front of some swimming swans, Photo 5 A man with green hair stands in front of some swimming swans, Photo 6 A man with green hair sits on the upper platform of a lookout, marsh is in the background, Photo 1

From the top of the lookout

A man with green hair sits on the upper platform of a lookout, marsh is in the background, Photo 2 A man with green hair sits on the upper platform of a lookout, marsh is in the background, Photo 3 A man with green hair stands in front of a bush covered in red barries

Thousands of berries

A man with green hair stands in front of marshside forest A man with green hair stands in front of a marsh, Photo 1 A man with green hair stands in front of a marsh, Photo 2 A man with green hair stands in front of a marsh, Photo 3 A man with green hair stands in front of a marsh, Photo 4 A man with green hair stands with only the sky visible in the background, Photo 1 A man with green hair stands with only the sky visible in the background, Photo 2 A man with green hair stands in front of a small hill, Photo 1 A man with green hair stands in front of a small hill, Photo 2 A man with green hair stands in front of a small hill, Photo 3

The mound looks like where you find the folk horror monster

A man with green hair stands on a dam with a channel extending behind him, Photo 1 A man with green hair stands on a dam with a channel extending behind him, Photo 2 A man with green hair stands on a dam with a channel extending behind him, Photo 3 A man with green hair sits in a computer chair inside, with an orange cat in his lap, Photo 1

Loooong leggies

A man with green hair sits in a computer chair inside, with an orange cat in his lap, Photo 2 A man with green hair sits in a computer chair inside, with an orange cat in his lap, Photo 3 A man with green hair sits in a computer chair inside, with an orange cat in his lap, Photo 4 A man with green hair sits in a computer chair inside, with an orange cat in his lap, Photo 5

We're cute together ❤️

From the comments

James Petrosky: Other junk I didn't get photos of but I found super exciting to see at the marsh:

  • So many green frogs and leopard frogs. So so so many. Every step a cascade of frogs jumped away, especially the leopard frogs because the path they were on was a lot less rraceled
  • a small seige of sandhill cranes, three of which landed and put on a bit of a show, stretching their wings and making silly crane sounds
  • a single very smol garder snake, at the folk horror mound
  • I accidentally treed an American Bitern, a bird I had never seen before today, and got a really good look at a majestic water bird looking extremely goofy at the top of a tree. 10/10 recommend viewing beautiful majestic wildlife outside of its preferred environment (except moose, leave them in the swamps, you don't need a highway kaiju fight)
  • Evidence of a moose or other large animal, which I didn't investigate because the last thing I want to meet in a swamp on foot is a territorial moose
  • Did you know swans sing? And that their song is profoundly beautiful? And they harmonize with each other? I'm still 100% team Canada goose, but the water fowl alliance of ducks-geese-swans is simply unbeatable. A whole lot of swan watching is on the remission list

Sarah: You've got this. And sometimes you will feel like you don't. And that's okay. I think the biggest lie that people are made to beleive is that they have to hold it together and be strong. But it's okay to be soft and get messy. You're entitled to it and those feelings are perfectly valid. Be gentle with yourself, give yourself grace and cry when you need to. Treat yourself and give in when you want things thay bring you comfort. You deserve those things.

posted at 23:27  ·   ·  Pre-Treatment  Full Hair  Long Hair  Green Hair  Long Beard  Tiny Marsh
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