Pre-Chemo Anxiety
Until now, I've come into chemo week with a sort of grim determination. It's not something I want to do, but it was fine. This week I'm filled with a sort of dread. I feel sick about it, and anxious enough that I'm having a hard time sleeping and doing my preparation chores. And this is cycle six, there are six more after this one.
I'm not at the point of refusing treatment. I don't know if I'll ever get there. But I absolutely understand why people refuse chemotherapy, even if that has harsh consequences for their prognosis.
From the comments
James Petrosky:I'm trying a stronger medicine this cycle. It should help with nausea. I hope that it will have a effect beyond the three days I take it, but we'll see.
After cycle six I get a CT scan, and we learn how the cancer is progressing. I feel really sick most of the time, but I think it's all side effects and not symptoms. Eventually there is going to be bad news, though. Disease progress is inevitable, and we're only trying to slow it.
Sometime after the CT scan, we're going to take a week off (have a 21 day cycle), and hope the extra recovery time will help me through the final six cycles of this treatment plan. I'm really looking forward to it, it'll allow my white blood count to recover (I'm in pretty rough shape right now, but not critical) and I'll be able to catch up on some chores I haven't been up to. It will be nice to be able to properly take care of myself again.
James Petrosky:My oncologist, and oncology team, has been extremely understanding. I don't know if I could continue if I had a less capable and kind group of people.
James Petrosky:I haven't been taking pictures. I want to, on one level, but I just haven't been feeling like myself for months. And it's hard to be excited about representations of yourself when you aren't feeling like yourself, and especially when you don't look like yourself. I've had plans for a video I'm really excited about doing for over a month, but I can't do it. This is really hard on my mental health, and it might be okay if I wasn't so sick all the time, but it's all really starting to add up. I'm really excited about that 21 day cycle coming up.