Sitting here in the hospice in 2024 I don't think there's any other way this situation could have played out for me. I wasn't afraid to ask questions, or even the right questions, but I was so passive that I often didn't take the time to make sure I had the information part of informed conscent solidly figured out.
I did, eventually, get there. All my at home readings of reputible research and advice papers put out by reputible hospital networks got me the information I needed, it would have just been faster if I wasn't so shy and was willig to ask especially about weird bowel movements earlier.
The old mantra remains true, though, questions would not have changed the outcome.
Looking back at this expremely anxious time in my life, the only thing that made sense was for the two teams to be working together in some way to improve my outcome. And both teams turned out great, the disease just had other plans.
Given that there are fewer than 24 hours until I meet my oncologist, I'm going to go back to the CUTE ANIMAL PHOTOS well because holy fuck I have an anxiety disorder and I didn't understand anxiety could be so bad
The comments comtain dozens of posts featuring people's pets and wild animals
Every morning, I look forward to what Facebook memories has for me. Are they emotional landmines that will take me hours to resolve, leaving me better able to deal with my condition tomorrow? Will they be presently unresolvible, causing damage until I can put them from my head?
Or will they be a photo from an adventure I had, years before I had the understanding of selfies.
Today is an anniversary of one of the times I took my long term partner in university out to the camp. 2008 could be first or second trip out. I didn't drive and she didn't have a car, so I know the logistics were terrible.
We were on our ways up Grazing inlet, having just left the ghost town of Nicholson to visit whatever of the Tremblay clan was kicking about.
Grazing Inlet, and much of Lake Windemere in general, was carved direct from the rock gouged and scratched during the areas glacial maximum.
Tldr this is how I looked in university, and until I switched it all up for hospital gowns I was doing pretty okay, fashion wise.
The following was originally posted August 21, 2023
I pay a lot of attention to both Facebook memories and the like these days, but I did not expect the gift they gave this morning.
Surviving cancer has been a long, hard process of identifying the demons that haunt the dark places in my life and befriending them.
First, I tried the disease itself. But that's too big. I still haven't gotten to the point of forgiveness to my own body for the betrayal it's put on me. But I have accepted it, and recognize it as an amoral force of nature.
My real first victory was over denial. Accepting the diagnosis was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I don't remember if it was the first or second chemo session that convinced me completely, but it was early. And for this I'm thankful, it let me jump right into the photo project which has enriched my life and delivered a tremendous amount of meaning to me. And maybe it'll help someone, too.
There have been dozens of little and big anxieties. I used to hate needles, now I have four perminant IVs in my limbs. Eighteen chemo cycles over two years is enough exposure for most. My treatment was repetitive, it's easy to make boring or anxiety like that.
A secret I only just started telling is that three days before the HIPEC surgery, when I had the consent forms filled out but hadn't sent them in, I very nearly didn't. I had won a minor duel with denial on routine stuff, but not when a dozen organs were on the line. But the fortitude I'd developed in eight months of treatment carried me through, and for my trouble I was gifted certainty. But not granted our desired outcome.
Befriending death is the difficult one. I've been working on it since accepting my diagnosis in September 2022 and since accepting my surgical fate in June 2023. I've come a long way. I know the form death will take (it's private, don't ask), and I know my last act will be to embrace it as a close friend. And I know that this will happen on their time, and I'm not ready yet.
There's more, so much more, buried in my Facebook wall (I've read it all for a project), but today I want to celebrate a small, but important for me, victory. The Antler's Hospice is a beautiful little album, perhaps nothing worth writing about these years later, but I like it's tragic beauty. I banned it from my playlist in 2022 because the central metaphor of a hospice was too much for me while coping with terminal illness.
Friends, I listened to that album straight through. In the cold dark of the hospice I've called home for over a month. My partner is in the next room, but she's asleep. And the nurses largely leave us alone after dark. It's just me, my headphones, the inky darkness of a Northern Ontario night, and the hum of my medical machines.
How I imagine it supposed to be listened to it.
I've become fast friends with Hospice again. I only hope this small victory can apply elsewhere. But if not, I have Kettering back. And thats beauty I want from the world.
From the comments
James Petrosky: The song I have forgiven for hitting too close to home. It's a beautiful and powerful song.
Brennan Moline: James Petrosky thank you as always for sharing powerful art that speaks to you
Gena Radcliffe: “I still haven’t forgiven my body for the betrayal it’s put on me. But I have accepted it, and recognize it as an amoral force of nature.”
This is beautiful, powerful, and deeply relatable.
James Petrosky: Gena Radcliffe it took me so long to get here, and it requires constant work as the cancer creates new nightmares, but it's given me so much peace and mental stillness.
Cathy Petrosky: You have taught this old lady so much. For this I am so grateful. 🥰
Dennis Dorion: Your mom is so right. This past, short 2 years will have changed so many lives. I hope in some way we can pay it forward. Each day is so precious. It is so easy to look at the big things and miss all the beautiful smalls. You have been able to capture all these smalls. I am beginning to see these smalls because of you. Thank you so much for being you. ❤️💜
Consider donating to St Joseph's Hospital in Elliot Lake, they do excellent work for a small community. They're working on improving their oncology area, which is very close to my heart. These improvements will allow more patients to recieve their treatment in the community they live in, rather than traveling two hours each way to the nearest cancer centre.
If you want to keep your money closer to home, then please consider donating to a hospice. The one here has given me and my family so much joy and comfort in a very difficult time in our lives time. I don't think I'd still feel as alive and vibrant, and I would not still be creating, without the care this hospice provides. Hospice is a gift we all deseve at our appointed hour.
Today, my partner Alicia and brother Joseph watched Cats. This was both of their first times, and probably something around my 250th.
I hadn't watched it since before my diagnosis. I needed comforts like this more than ever, but with Cats I'm always terrified that the magic will have somehow evaporated. That I'll be left like the majority who panned it, stuck in a grayer world, lacking those beautiful neon alleys.
Cats' powerful sway over me is broken. My capacity for that obsession died the day I had to say out loud the words "it's cancer" to my parents, "stage four". But Cats is still a joy, a delight, a bright and colourful balm, and exactly what today needed.
BC (before Cats (2019))
AC (after Cats (2019))
From the comments
Brennan Moline: You are a much stronger man than me for being able to resist forcing your friends and family to watch your obsession. I know I forced Annette on more than a few folks
James Petrosky: Brennan Moline some things are just so close to you that you need to be forced to share with your loved ones. The fear of rejection has been too white hot, but I'm glad I overcame it today.
Brennan Moline: James Petrosky I understand that -- after some bad reactions to the aforementioned forced annette, I am much more hesitant now.
Jamie Piedmont Murgatroyd Teller: Brennan Moline you did the right thing
Brennan Moline: Jamie Piedmont Murgatroyd Teller By forcing Annette or being hesitant haha
Jamie Piedmont Murgatroyd Teller: Brennan Moline the former, the good news must be spread (it’s my favorite film of the decade so far)
Brennan Moline: Jamie Piedmont Murgatroyd Teller Fuck yes, so glad to meet another devotee of the baby Annette (who is a baby, afterall). It's among my favorite films of all time. It came at a time when I was feeling really weirdly sullen and pessimistic and slapped me out of nowhere as one of my new favorite movies. I even have a tattoo saying "Sympathy for the Abyss"
Cam Percy: Sharing Cats (2019) with someone for the first time is one of my favourite things to do. I'm so glad you got to do it today.
Cam Percy:
SKIM
BLE
SHANKS
THE
RAIL
WAY
CAT
James Petrosky: Cam Percy Skimble won't let anything go wrong, and that is a comforting thought
Consider donating to St Joseph's Hospital in Elliot Lake, they do excellent work for a small community. They're working on improving their oncology area, which is very close to my heart. These improvements will allow more patients to recieve their treatment in the community they live in, rather than traveling two hours each way to the nearest cancer centre.
If you want to keep your money closer to home, then please consider donating to a hospice. The one here has given me and my family so much joy and comfort in a very difficult time in our lives time. I don't think I'd still feel as alive and vibrant, and I would not still be creating, without the care this hospice provides. Hospice is a gift we all deseve at our appointed hour.
Very occasionally, you can catch a perfect tinsel like strand of nostalgia. We embraced, shared, and parted as friends. It's the safe way to spend time with these ghosts.
(We had a group watch of Repo: The Genetic Opera and all felt it held up as a beautiful cult film, the way we did in university)
Consider donating to St Joseph's Hospital in Elliot Lake, they do excellent work for a small community. They're working on improving their oncology area, which is very close to my heart. These improvements will allow more patients to recieve their treatment in the community they live in, rather than traveling two hours each way to the nearest cancer centre.
If you want to keep your money closer to home, then please consider donating to a hospice. The one here has given me and my family so much joy and comfort in a very difficult time in our lives time. I don't think I'd still feel as alive and vibrant, and I would not still be creating, without the care this hospice provides. Hospice is a gift we all deseve at our appointed hour.
I don't have a lot of answers, and have even less energy to share what I do have, but increasingly all roads are converging onto hospice care. Thank you all for your love and support these past years, I couldn't have made it this far without you.
From the comments
Eva Bowering: Love you James. My heart has been with you on your long journey and I will wish you nothing but peace as you transition onward to hospice care. Thinking of you and your closest loved ones.
Janet Dorion: Oh James. We love you more than you know. Miss you so much 😢 💔
Lan L.: oh my dear, we all love you too
Ross Keith: Love you man. We’re all here with you
Cynthia Davis: Hugs James, my thoughts are with you. And geese, geese are with you too 🪿
Park Parkison: Thinking of you, James. ❤️
Emily Hutchinson: Thinking of you. Hoping for a peaceful move into hospice and whatever the future brings.
Dawn Gildenmeister: Thinking of you. We love you. 💗
Holly Kay: Love you so much! Big hugs.
Monica Bell: Sending love your way, and cat pictures ❤️
Sherri Lynn Singer: We are all thinking about you; we are with you.
Beverley Singer: Hugs my brave nephew!💕
Sarah Baggs: Love you, buddy.
Brennan Moline: Sending so much love to you. You are an amazing friend.
Katie Schaefer: Despite only knowing you through shared fandom FB groups, I am sending you all the love. I wish we could hang out in person to discuss the wonder that is Geese, how silly cats are, and debate about which squishmallow is the cutest. ♥️
Jack Cuellar: Love you, pal.
Joe Patrick: Sending love, James. I’m so happy that our paths crossed.
Aaron Lyttle: Love ya James
Jon Muggleton: Oh, man, I was just thinking about you. Love you, man, and hope this gets you some peace.
Julie Campbell: Hugs, my friend
Sarah Snider: I’m sorry, friend ❤️
Elysia Yardley: Sending you so much love right now, James. Zoey getting a kiss ♥️. I’m here if you need to talk
Katie Tremblay: We are thinking about you and sending so much love. 💜🩷
Gail Coulter Cyr: Hugs my friend/cousin, you have been a real warrior!!
Anthony Daley Di Poce: Thank you for sharing all of your adventures with us.
David Richman: I am so sorry.
Mica Richard: Love you James, thanks for the update
Alex Schroeder: We love you and thank you for everything
Ashleigh Latimer: Luv you ! If I can do anything let me know!!
Peter Tremblay: You've been a real inspiration Jimmy. We love you and think of you all the time. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
Lara Baker Whelan: I have so admired your candor and bravery as you shared your journey. I wish you peace and love on this next stage. Even though we never met in person, I know I will think of you always.
Kevin Q Gray: Love you James, thank you for sharing your journey, it has meant so much to many and continues to do so.
Charles Meier: See you on the other side
TeJay Wonch: Sending you love from Minnesota
Cindy Claussen: Wishing you all the comfort of these two snuggled together.
Laura Brzezinski: ❤ and 🫂 🤗 Will always be part of the "dream team" (Target). Lols. I hope you will be allowed to see your kitty in hospice. ❤
Sending you thoughts and geese maybe a few raccoons too
Ivy Clark: You are a witty and lovable person and I love hearing your perspective. ❤️
Sam Selby: Ah jeez. Sorry it's taken a bit of a turn. We love you 💖
Dayna Normand: I'm hanging out on my porch, with a cat that I don't own but I think you would enjoy him. Sending you all the positive vibes James
Domino Bay: I love you so much, James. I am so honored to have been able to be part of your life in our little internet circle.
Helen Herbst LaStar: Fuck. Sending love and my invisible dog. We wish you comfort.
Jeremy Simington: You're a graceful warrior, James. Peace, brother.
Rina Haenze: Garak and I send love (along with his blep).
Cecile Tremblay: Love you Jim, you'll always be my baby cousin. Xo
Malcolm Nygard: You are wonderful. Let me know if I can do anything, or if you ever want to talk.
Becca Simmons: Love you, friend. Tina sends slow blinks.
Kevin O'Leary: Knowing you, even if only online, is an enriching and wonderful experience. I hope the hospice transition is as smooth as ot can be
Melodie Younce: hugs ❤️
Lilly Hill: The beebs, almost as cool as you but not quite, hope the pain fucks off for the most part ❤️❤️
Lina John: Thinking of you James ❤️🙌🏾 sending you love and balcony pigeons
Jenny Maurer: Jesus ❤️
Beverley Singer: Love you James! I have travelled this way, along side of you. Let them rid you of this pain.
Kris Lin: Knowing you, even through silly internet posts is a joy. I hope you find peace and a release from the pain. Sending love ❤️
Heather Reller: Little Buddy says hello and hopes you feel ok soon!!
Margaret Miller: I have only known you through the flop house group and what you've written on your own page, and I want to thank you for all of it. It has felt like an honor to get to be a witness to your life and your dying. I will never forget you.
Juha Heikkilä: Love you. You are so so loved.
Sarah Hendricks: Thinking of you
Laurel Ivy: I wish things were different. Sending you good vibes, my friend. 🫂.
Katie Tremblay: So many touching messages. Wow - you are so loved. ❤
Jenny Lou Santoro: 🦆 Thinking of you .... hugs hugs hugs 🦃. I couldn’t find a goose. Hope a duck and a turkey work. 😻 and a cat of course!
Wendy D Hooving: ((~hugs~))
박선재: Hi James. I am your cousin John McKenna’s wife Sophia. We have never met, but I’ve heard about you. Sending our love and prayers to you❤️
This photo is supposed to be with Winnie the Poo in White River, Ontario, halfway to the Manitoba border. The first leg of my grand cross country adventure.
This photo is instead in the hospital in Elliot Lake. The pain is immense. I don't know what's wrong. I do know there is no trip.
From the comments
Grace Tomczak: At least you’re a cute seven.
Claire Ohrling: Grace Tomczak haha I came here to make the same joke 😄
I think that scene in Annihilation where the guys intestines are writhing like snakes captures how I feel a lot of the time
From the comments
James Petrosky: Cancer is living body horror. There are constant new and grotesque violations. You always know the ultimate cause (those immortal detector cells), but your never sure what devious plot they're on now.
You know how the movie ends, and what the last few minutes look like. But you'll never predict that third act bear monster / the loss of the ability to feel comfortable when your sitting or lying down.
The violations do not stop.
It's a heat wave! I'm using a heat pad on high! What a wondrous time to be alive!
From the comments
James Petrosky: No, I don't have AC. I don't even have particularly good fans (job for tomorrow). But at least I'm on the edge of the hear wave, and we're down to 25, which is what I kept my apartment at all winter
As part of my pain prevention and management routine, I have to sit like a regular person at all times. Which means that in addition to a handful of other very bad things, cancer is also fucking biphobic.
From the comments
James Petrosky: This is a very silly joke that is also 100% factual
Ëmmy Smäll: welp I just almost horked the water I was drinking out my nose
Justine Wiesinger: Oh no, with your feet on the FLOOR? 🤢 I have been struggling with this over the past week
James Petrosky: Justine Wiesinger I can't even cross my legs for very long (but also can't make myself stop doing it)
Justine Wiesinger: James Petrosky Yes all week I felt unable to do crafts like cross stitching because I couldn't pull my feet up onto the couch so what's the POINT
Justine Wiesinger: UNCOZY ❎DISRESPECTFUL TO QUEER CULTURE 👎👎
Mareile S. Håland: The dreadfullest cancer fact yet 😮 /lh
Christa Pace Martin: That’s just rude.
Stefanie Culp: That’s just disrespectful of it and during pride month too, how dare
Ross Keith: I fucking knew it
**Rebecca Liddle Blair: Nooooooo…whyyyyy… I have spine issues that also don’t like that I bi-pretzel, but I do it anyway!
Sarah Baggs: Ugh when I’ve hurt my hip and need to sit up straight to avoid the pain it is like TORTURE
Another day, another exciting new pelvic/lower back pain preventing me from living my life (doing laundry, going to Blind River to try a chip truck)
From the comments
James Petrosky: T3s work on most pain pretty well, except this one. Nothing works on this one. Maybe a round of chemo will, but that's just trading bad symptoms for bad side effects.
A stronger pain killer might help, but history tells me I'd be too stoned to drive all the time, and I'm already feeling pretty trapped at home.
James Petrosky: I had a few more days worth of pride posts planned, but I don't have the energy anymore. I hope everyone has a good time, and that bigots get some sense knocked into them by a giant magic goose, but that's all for me.
I think, through culture and experience, we all understand that cancer brings a lot of pain. Friends, they don't lie, but I've never seen anyone talk about how weird that pain can be.
This message brought to you by my body interpreting skin stretching, of the regular sort that might happen if you were laying on your side, as somewhere between discomfort and pain.
From the comments
JamesP:
In some people and cases, constipation can register as back or hip pain. For me, it's every time I need to use the washroom.
JamesP
And, just for fun, I get random stabbing pains throughout my pelvic region. I suspect this is an impacted nerve. It can happen any time, but generally comes in clusters and usually with other sources of pain
Christine Otterman: I guess it's got to be an all around unnatural experience. It would be hard to not be suspicious of what it is and what it means. It's probably difficult to articulate, therefore no one talks about it!
Janet Dorion That sucks. I can't imagine. You are so strong!
James Petrosky It's a bad situation, but I'm usually feeling okay much of thday, although the evening is devoted to pain management so that I can enjoy the next day as much as possible.
Brennan Moline: Susan Sontag, in writing about her own cancer, once discussed how pain tests the limits of human language. That it becomes incredibly isolating because it's impossible to truly explain to someone else.
Anyone else find that opening and closing curtains is one of the most surprisingly mentally taxing things you do daily?
This post brought to you by ADHD
From the comments
James Petrosky: I have no choice here, my apartment faces the enterence and I have no desire to flash all the retired people, but at my last place I think I touched them once every few months, more to track the sun than anything else.
After eight days the tap water is officially safe again!
From the comments
James Petrosky: Which is great for us, but a week is not a long term advisory, and at least 28 First Nations communities are still under long term (over one year) advisories. A week sucked, a month is unimaginable to me, and I have no words for what a long term advisory would be like.
We're on day five of a boil water order and it's rough on regular people, but between my kidney and the cancer I need to drink so much more, and the whole process is exhausting.
From the comments
James Petrosky: 5 days is a lot, but it's also fucking nothing. Neskantaga First Nation has been doing it for 29 years pretty much only because we suck and are racist.
Was up half the night trying to decide if I should visit the hospital because of a new, exciting and particularly spicy pain. Thankfully I don't remember much, but I fell asleep eventually and woke up with regular levels of pain.
From the comments
James Petrosky: It didn't feel anything like another obstruction. That was distinct. I think it sometimes just really sucks to be conscious for no good reason.
James Petrosky:I have chores and hotels to book and I just can't get enough give a fuck going to do any of it. If I don't soon I'm going to ruin my whole trip and I just can't care.
We've given up on unpacking for today, and are going to take tomorrow off to lay around and do nothing. We've earned it.
From the comments
Brennan Moline: How is Thomasin adjusting? She looks comfortable
James Petrosky: Brennan Moline she was overwhelmed the first day of packing, and at the hotel during travel, but has been excitedly exploring and plotting escape into the hallway for days now. She's probably doing better than I am
James PetroskyIt helps that the bed and bedding are the same, and she still has her cat tree. The constants are safety when overwhelmed
