Guide to Identifying Waterfowl
It's really, really easy to understand why depression is so terrible. Some people are still unrepentant swans about it, but they're dumb and wrong and should be punted into low earth orbit.
It's a lot harder to explain why mania or hypomania are also the fucking worst, in their own grotesque and magical way. Because every creative project I've ever done (lots of 3D prints, the LED crystal glass stuff, ones I've yet to complete like a cat laser turret) was born of hypomania. And a lot of frankly unimpressive and boring ones, too, but their boring and I'm hypomanic so I actually can't make myself think about them. Art critics of all media love to retroactively diagnose someone as bipolar, and use that to explain their output. And who the fuck wouldn't want any favourable comparison to van Gogh, even if it's in the form if an extremely serious mood disorder.
I won't lie, hypomania is the most fun I can possibly have. Because level James or depressed James can only enjoy one or two pleasurable activities at once (eating and watching a movie, for example). But hypomanic James easily gets to, and maintains, five (movie, music, food, cat videos, paper stage designing of 3D print project) without feeling like I'm missing out on anything from any of them. Genuinely, the only way to top that is to add drugs, which I know magnifies the feeling further, but generally don't do because I know the risk factors and apparently statistics have the power to get through to me.
Hypomania looks a lot less attractive from where I sit right now. The party ended days ago. The creativity, joy and way the colours of those lights looked has all returned to a tedious normal, one I'll forget is as mundane as a mallard in time, but a normal that almost hurts for now. I don't sleep much while hypomanic. I don't need to. I can silence my racing thoughts for three hours a night and that's plenty. I still can't sleep, and am really feeling that lack right now, after another night of insomnia and three hours. I also mean the party ended in a more literal way, because my manic ass starts cleaning projects, and would finishs many, but whatever is left over at the point it all crashes down is for my level, exhausted, self to deal with.
I'm so tired. I'm not looking for pharmaceutical, natural, or any sort of supplement remidy here. Between the bipolar disorder, lithium, cancer, chemotherapy, and high blood pressure I simply won't touch anything not okayed by my oncologist, my kidneys and my liver are both in bad shape and I cannot risk further damage.
But I'll accept mental tricks for falling, and especially staying, asleep. Apparently there's some overlap in things that work for jetlag and things that work for bipolar insomnia (preliminary research, not the exact insomnia problem I'm dealing with, but it's something). And no, getting extremely high doesn't seem to help, I'm just uncomfortably high and awake the same amount of time (this does help for regular sleep, though, so it wasn't a bad thought).
From the comments
James Petrosky:Tldr enjoy my hypomanic rant about how hypomania gooses and swans at the same time and how I'd really rather just duck.
James Petrosky:Geese are exciting, fun and delightful. Swans are dicks, jerks and bad. Ducks are just ducks, ducking around, doing duck stuff (but not that duck stuff sicko this is a wholsom waterfowl analogy)
Justine Wiesinger:Things that help jet lag/sleep during the day in my experience: Maintaining a very regular eating schedule Eating lots of fruits and veggies Walking as much as possible Resisting daytime naps by getting involved in other things Things that might help at night: Peppermint tea before bed Wearing a sleep mask Ear plugs if needed Telling yourself a story as you go to sleep that does not involve yourself in any way Visualizing something endless, like releasing a rabbit and watching it run and run over the terrain Setting an alarm for the morning and NEVER looking at a clock during sleeping hours Rejecting stressful things your brain wants to dwell on by reminding yourself that you don't need to problem solve at 3 AM I know all of these might not be possible with your illness but I am throwing them out because I don't know what is or is not accessible to you at any moment, so throw out whatever doesn't suit. Most of my strategies are for fighting anxiety so they might not be applicable to other situations. I have also heard "no screens for an hour before bed" but never followed this
Brennan Moline:Growing up with a bipolar parent, I saw how destructive and painful the mania was -- as much so as the depression. I remember a depressed former friend saying she envied bipolar people because at least they had 'highs' and I had to restrain my anger as I explained those highs were just as painful as depression's 'lows'. I wish I had advice for insomnia -- I delt with a rough bout of it that only got better after a really bad mental crash, but that doesn't help. I hope you feel ducky soon.
James Petrosky:Brennan Moline, when I'm depressed, I wish I had an episode incoming to get me doing stuff again. Sure could use the energy to clean the apartment, it hasn't happened in a month or so at that point. Right now I could go for a week of depression sleep. But really we all just want to be silly ducks, puttering around the pond, having good but uneventful duck days.