Cancer Selfies

The Return to the Chemo Suite

On Tuesday afternoon, I make my return to the chemo suite at Royal Victoria Hospital. I haven't been there since the spring. Leaving, I had a very reasonable expectation that I might never have to go back.

But I have to go back.

Last chemo winter, I was so very careful. No theatres or other recreation. Grocery stores during off hours only. No rare meat, raw fish or runny eggs. Last winter, with the promise of surgery, it was easy to hold to these rules. It's going to be much, much harder this time. I need to ask what the risk level is.

I've been busy this past month. A few weeks ago I packed up my work toolboxes and all but officially ended my work life. I'd have gone back had the surgery panned out, but I doubt I'd have lasted very long. My time off had given me needed perspective. Going back in wasn't very hard or emotionally draining because of that. I've managed to get rid of most of my books, I only still have stuff I want to (but am unlikely to) reread. It's only a small box worth, I'm comfortable with that. Also gone are all the non horror VHS tapes. Months and months of trying to do this task have finally allowed me to work through the feelings problem. As a collecter bordering on minor hoarder, it's a good feeling to get stuff out the door without anxiety.

I have a tremendous amount of dread for the coming six months. It's absolutely necessary and it's going to be rough. I don't want to feel sick all the time (even though I already do) and I've grown vain and really, really don't want to lose all my hair. I love the way my hair grew back, it's how I long wanted it to be. I'll spend the winter in a fairly strong physical and social isolation. When terminally ill people talk about whether further treatment is worth it or not, disease state and side effects are part of it, but so is every other aspect of our lives. Right now, even with this dread, further treatment is worth it for me. We all have to know and accept that won't remain true forever.

Good days pay for the chemo days

Cycle 3 Day 10

We're getting what's likely to be a final reprieve before the winter descends upon us, and I intend to take best advantage of it.

Back at the start of this, I said the currency you spend is the feeling of normal. We left normal behind months ago. The new currency is the little experiences I can jam into my good days. Seeing a raccoon, petting a dog, talking to someone I haven't seen in a while (or have, and want to talk to again), interacting with all of you. Little things. And I need to save up enough so I can pay the toll and make it through The Chemo Days.

Pumpkinferno 2022

Cycle 3 Day 9

Support your local Pumpkin Inferno (today was a very good day ❤️)

I learned to paint my nails

Cycle 1, Day 8

This cycle is now more than half over. I'm looking forward to my next visit to the chemo lounge with some trepidation, knowing now what it's going to bring, but also with the knowledge that I do physically feel a lot more well with treatment than without. My quality of life has not been better in months.

However, I have to visit the hospital Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday for consultations, bloodwork, treatment, and other care. Being sick is exhausting, but beautiful fall days (that I forgot to document) like today make the whole mess so very worth it

From the comments

James Petrosky: Also I think I have a problem

James Petrosky: I'm not great yet, but I have lots of time to practice

Silly selfies

Cycle 1, Day 8

I barely got out of bed today, after my little scare this morning. I'd have been fine if I could have had a Tylenol, but I'm not allowed to pharmacologically lower a fever, so I couldn't address my headache, either. Enjoy some terrible bed head selfies I sent to a friend but don't have enough sense or shame to keep hidden.

Superstar, criminal kittycat & pumpkins

Cycle 1 Day 7

Lots today, let's do bullets!

• Thomasin is a cute criminal (but very much a criminal)
• Thomasin is surprisingly good on a harness ❤️
• You should imagine me, driving down Balm Beach Road (short bit of highway between two towns, 80 limit), windows down, singing along with Karen Carpenter to Superstar, because I was on Balm Beach Road four times today and it happened each time (add karaoke to the remission list)
• I love carving pumpkins, but I love eating pumpkin seeds even more (a project for tomorrow)
• I love garlic bread as much as I love pumpkin seeds
• Get your fucking booster, it's one of the things anyone can do that takes no effort that makes my life, and the life of all immunocompromised people, a little easier (it also helps you ❤️) (Ontarians of all ages can get the bivalent vaccine starting the 26th) I got mine today because I'm immunocompromised now and we qualify early
• That's all, friends have a great night ❤️ (and maybe to listen to Superstar, if only to sing along to the chorus)

Addendum:

• Sweet Chilli Heat Doritos remain the best instantaneous cure for nausea available commercially, which honestly makes no sense but has been true since at least 2007

From the comments