I poured out everything that remained of my alcohol collection today. I've known my body can't really take it anymore for over a year, and by surgery time knew with medical certainty that there was no outcome that would make it safe for me to have. I think part of me was still hoping for a reckless glass of celebratory scotch that was never going to happen. And now cannot happen.
You mourn life and normalcy in fits and starts. I haven't felt much since I got home in July. But it's September now, the tourists are leaving, the season is changing, and the geese are practising Vs. It's a reflective sort of time for me, and pouring it all out hits a much more raw nerve than I expected.
From the comments
James Petrosky: I've definitely mentioned it before, but it fits well here.
After academia and I had a pretty rough falling out (undiagnosed, dangerously wrongly treated bipolar disorder played a part), I had no idea what to do with myself. I spent a couple years temping and working retail, and knew that wasn't for me. But it taught me I liked people. And like a lot of hipster types at the time (2012-2014jsh), I got into making drinks.
Over the next few years I made all the drinks at gatherings and family events, and really enjoyed the experimentation and adventure of it.
I started work at my final employer in 2015, as a temp. I didn't know if I was going to make another try and grad school, finish the courses I needed for a geology designation, or try my hand at mixology school. And becoming a bartender was more than just a passing fancy (although it may have been just a bipolar/ADHD fancy).
Obviously I didn't do it, and not regret that decision. But getting rid of these bottles is getting rid of something that was once very important to me.
James Petrosky: I've written a lot of morbid and depressing shit over the last year, and this may be the first time it's pure mourning, without a hint of anxiety, terror or anticipation thrown in.
James Petrosky: (I actually kept a full bottle of pisco I bought in Peru, I don't know why, if I haven't drank it in ten years, I probably never was going to, but some things are too hard
Ryan: Man, of all the things you’ve posted, this has been the most . . . like really reckoning with things, at least as I’m parsing it.
I know you’re not a person of faith, and I am not one any longer, but the feeling I have toward you in this moment is one I only have words for in a faith based context, and I don’t know how to say them in a way that doesn’t rely on a fantasy. But I’m going to try here, so please forgive any weird phrasing:
I feel the echo of your heart within me.
James Petrosky: Ryan I've tried and failed three times at a response, so instead all just say thank you.
Ryan McGill: James Petrosky it’s all good, friend. I find myself in the same situation with many of your posts, but this one connected in a way that I couldn’t just leave a reaction. And with what we know about human memory, I think I’m going to carry it with just about every glass I raise.
James Petrosky: The fucking wild thing is that I actually wanted to talk about being off work for a year, because we're 6 hours away from that. But it's recycling this week, and decided I wanted to dust the bottle shelf. And here we are. Nothing is ever planned, things just happen because the universe is chaotic and impenetrable and beautiful.
James Petrosky: Because I'm having Something Of A Day, I went and broke into my forbidden song vault and listened to Kettering by The Antlers. And that was very dumb of me. The vault has been resealed.
Did you know that I find carillons to be one of the coolest non synth instruments? Did you know there was one in the Peace Tower? I didn't! But parliament's centre block is under renovations and it isn't presently in use. So I need you all to leave out hardhats and reflective vests for the construction gods because I need to get to listen to it.
From the comments
James Petrosky: There are ten other carillons in Canada, all but two are in southern or eastern Ontario. So my goal is to get the nine easy ones. Montreal might be possible. Victoria is unlikely.
I genuinely thought that there were a handful in the states, largely in the original states, and that was it for North America. I didn't even think to look for more 😮
Tomorrow is chemo day. There's been so many of them now that I don't feel anxiety about it anymore. It's just part of the rhythm of life. The main pulse in the rhythm of my life now, even. I'm not looking forward to it, I never do, but I'll take my medicine without further complaint, and make myself a little nest in my bed and sleep the rest of the week away, with the company of Thomasin and some VOD curling matches I found earlier this week.
From the comments
James Petrosky: On Sunday I found the VODs and managed to catch Curling BC's women's final, I watched it the same time as I watched a stream where someone went through and explained the Roland 606 drum machine circuit for the kick drum. It was the perfect combo for me.
This cycle has been a lot easier on major side effects, but frustrating on the minor ones. I've felt at best okay, which all weekend was fantastic, but I never started feeling better coming out of it. I'm tired, often have a headache, and can't get the aftertaste one of the chemo drugs leaves me with out of my mouth. Still, I try and make the most of it. I've been working on building an analogue synthesizer all summer, and I'm on track to finish it this week. I got some discount costume wigs, and the next project is to do some work on them (which I'm really excited for). The cooler weather has really put Thomasin's cuddle instinct into overdrive, which is fantastic except when the soldering iron is on, which is a delight and highlight of every day.
From the comments
James Petrosky: The album was only going to get one from a shoot, but I also really like this one
Claire: Ok so I definitely thought the wigs were filters 😂
James Petrosky: They're all real objects which I own and hope to have the guts to wear outside
We're getting what's likely to be a final reprieve before the winter descends upon us, and I intend to take best advantage of it.
Back at the start of this, I said the currency you spend is the feeling of normal. We left normal behind months ago. The new currency is the little experiences I can jam into my good days. Seeing a raccoon, petting a dog, talking to someone I haven't seen in a while (or have, and want to talk to again), interacting with all of you. Little things. And I need to save up enough so I can pay the toll and make it through The Chemo Days.
I got this hat in Peru
I'm the slasher in a Pumpkin Horror Movie
I still can't play the otomatone
Bessie is too squirmy and impulsive, she's hard to take pictures with
A short and not comprehensive list of songs I've had to remove from my playlists since being diagnosed with cancer:
Kettering by The Antlers
Easy/Lucky/Fred by Bright Eyes
There are certainly others, but these found themselves removed today.
I want to reiterate how wonderful you've all been, how much your kind words and Facevook reactions mean to me. You all mean so much to me, thank you all so much for existing ❤️
From the comments
Mica: Have you seen the anime short of the little girl who gets turned into a gengar? So cute
