Cycle 6, Day 6
Today I visited the Midland hospital for a CT scan. Next week I should hear back about the results. This is how we're going to learn how well the treatment has been working.
I'm excited, and cautiously optimistic, for the results. I need to remind myself that I'm on a palliative chemotherapy cocktail. That the goal is quality of life, not to rid me of the cancer. The best case scenario, the scenario I hope for, is that existing tumors have shrunk and that no further spreading has occurred. None of that is guaranteed, but I feel good, physically and mentally, and I'm allowing myself the risk of disappointment on this.
I have an appointment with the surgical oncologists at Mt. Sinai in early January, they are much more experienced at interpreting this sort of scan than the medical oncology team in Barrie is, so even though I'll learn a lot next week, I'll still have to wait another month before I'll learn a fuller story.
Cycle 5, Day 9
For weeks now I've been plagued by a thought. A worry. A concern. I feel pretty good most days now, as good as I have since Cats was in theatres, but I know that won't last long term. I know that some day is going to be the best day I have left, and after that all that remains is a slow decline.
In just under two weeks, I have a CT scan to see how I've responded to my first round of chemotherapy. In about two weeks, I expect the results will be available. And in just under three weeks, I expect to have them explained to me, in great detail, by my oncologist.
I feel fantastic, and I expect a good result, but cancer is a tricky foe and mine is a fairly rare and poorly understood. So I worry about the short term. And I worry about the long term. The first should be fine, but the second is a certainty (ignoring the surgical option, which itself isn't a sure thing and is dependent on the short term results and I don't think about often because it is itself a whole new assemblage of horrors).
I'm fine. Honestly, I'm thriving. I've never been so on top of my hobbies, in control of my day to day life. It's not a feeling I'm used to. But I know it's temporary, both because treatment must progress because we are working towards the surgical option, and because even with the best treatment available, my care is still palliative. I'm under seige, and there may be no help forthcoming. We hold out as long as we can, but one side will break.
Photo from 15 minutes before sunset at Woodland Beach.
From the comments
James Petrosky: This is significantly more bleak than I meant it to be. I'm not changing a word, but know that my mental health hasn't been this resilient since 2010. My medication is the right one, my levels are good, I've done my time in therapy and have a good team in place now. I'm not suffering, nor am I avoiding my problems by overworking. Things are going well. But there's simply no way for me not to be constantly cognisant of my own mortality at all times. And it's been this way for months. Given the situation, it's fine, I have a good team supporting me, after all. But it is a lot.