Cancer Selfies

Oct 11, 2023

17:46

Returning to the Chemo Suite

I said a few weeks ago that my cancer symptoms had become more noticeable than my surgery symptoms, and today's talk with the oncologist was a natural consequence of that. I see her again on November 6th, and return to the chemo suite on the 8th.

This is not inherently bad news. The CT scan showed no new tumors, my blood counts are good, there is no evidence of dangerous new mutations yet. I've simply been off treatment for over six months, and it's time.

I'll still be receiving the same chemotherapy cocktail, with the same two week cycle, and the same take home bottle. I am not excited, or looking forward to it, but at least I know exactly what to expect this time around.

I asked about future chemotherapies. There are an additional two varieties of chemotherapy regularly used for colon cancer (which is what I'm being treated for, although I have the related appendix cancer), I don't remember much about the third, but the second is largely similar to what I've been on so far, side effect wise. For me, it's comforting to know that the expected time my treatment options will last is longer than my prognosis, so I shouldn't have to worry about pain.

In the next month I need to get my broken tooth pulled, ideally quickly so it has lots of time to heal before my immune system crashes around cycle 3. I need to finally see my palliative care doctor and get those plans firmly in place. I need to get legal stuff in order. I need a port installed and my PICC removed. And I have one more day trip to make.

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits in a car, smiling

Leaving for the hospital

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits in a hospital waiting room, wearing a blue surgical mask

Masks are required in the cancer ward, which will be a comfort when I come back for treatment

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in a garden outside a hospital

Outside the hospital

A close up of a man, his beard is as shaggy as before but his moustache is much, much messier than it was before he put on the mask

Masks: great for keeping out germs, terrible for moustaches

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair lies in bed with an orange cat obscuring most of his head and all his torso

Big orange head ❤️
 ·Tags:  Surgical Recovery  Short Hair  Thick Hair  Brown Hair  Long Beard  Home  Balm Beach  CT Scan  Blood Work  Oncologist  Chemotherapy  Port  PICC  Palliative Care

Oct 10, 2023

17:28

Trips & Treatment

This set of photos was taken over the past month.

I can't remember if I've said anything about the CT scan I got a few weeks ago, or the blood work I had done before I left for Bancroft, but that has happened, and it's time to see my oncologist. The appointment is tomorrow afternoon.

I don't have a good understanding of how people think I'm doing. I know I've been pretty vocal about how the surgical recovery has been going (very well, overall, but further gains are likely to be small, although its possible I don't yet know my capacity in some regards). But I have been less vocal (I think) about cancer symptoms.

I haven't been able to sleep through a night in weeks. I'll wake up, with my guts feeling like their solid, in the middle of the night. Sometimes water makes me have to use the bathroom with urgency. Sometimes it makes me throw up for a half an hour. Either way, sometimes I can get back to sleep, sometimes I doze until noon.

The list of things my dietician recommended I avoid a month or two ago has become largely mandatory. The small amount of coleslaw you get with fish and chips is usually fine, but salad or a helping of broccoli is a mistake. Fish never seems to be a problem, chicken is fine unless fried, and most red meat should be avoided. These rules must be followed exactly when far from home, or if I want to travel the next day, but can still be relaxed a bit if I'm staying in the Midland area.

The combination of chemotherapy and sleeplessness, at least, have left me extremely forgetful, clumsy and sluggish. I keep losing my keys. I've forgotten how to do basic computer stuff I've known for decades (or have tried to do it the Windows 95 way). I cannot focus on books, even though I got a fun adult book about dinosaurs from the library. My cooking abilities, long atrophied by years of deep depression, can't manage with my boring diet, tiny kitchenette and lack of energy to do dishes or other chores.

There are pains. Pains in places I especially don't want them, places that might indicate tumor growth (but probably not spread). But are they the sort that predate all this? I can't remember. I'll bring them up.

I'm extremely tired. I'm not particularly jazzed about continuing to do this. I've grown more and more convinced that the Bancroft trip is my post surgery peak, and that it's slow decline from here on. Those sort of thoughts are the way of madness, but the nature of the recovery and the disease means there will exist a peak or plateau.

Two weeks ago I was pretty certain I would not be restarting chemotherapy this time. The CT scan report only reinforces this conclusion. But the last few weeks have been rough, and I'm a lot less sure now.

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of some large plastic skulls A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a stone building with a plaque that reads "Designated Heritage Site, Ye Olde Jailhouse, Township of Bexley, 1890, Heritage Victoria"

One of the places that claims to be Canada's Smallest Jailhouse, Coboconk

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair happily stands in front of a wall made of active bee hive covered in clear plastic

Bees! Settler's Villiage, Bobcaygeon

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a the panel of an antique dairy truck (photographer has forgotten if its motorized or horse drawn) with Kawartha Dairy written on it

Antique dairy truck, Settler's Villiage, Bobcaygeon

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a a rock outcrop on the side of the road, he is pointing to a horizontal gap that has weathered into the rock. The lower rock is grey and has no visible layers and is metamorphic, the upper rock has horizontal layering and is sedimentary

The Unconformity, near Burleigh Falls

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a large Ontario Provincial Police emblem inside the OPP Museum wearing a stylaized Halloween (1978) t-shirt that reads "Get in Loser, We're Going Slashing", he is also wearing a clip on visitor's badge for the museum

The OPP Museum, Orillia

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a display board that reads "42. Couchiching", it is a sign for a lock station on a waterway

I've visited a lot of locks, and have so many more to go. This one has a restaurant with pretty good fish and chips

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a some marsh plants

At the marsh

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a green and white sign that reads "Parks Canada, Saint-Louis Mission, National Historic Site of Canada"1

A tiny tiny tiny little historic site in Tay Township, near Midland. This sign is most of the site, sadly

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a sculpture primarily made of wood with metal and other objects afixed to it, it has a face and is supposed to be reminiscent of a settler, it is taller than the man <figcaptionHuntsville sculpture forest A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a sculpture of a moose made of scrap metal pieces, several horseshoes and rail road spikes are able to be made out

Huntsville sculpture forest

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a concrete structure shaped like a large person made of balloons, there is a green coroded copper casting of a maple leaf on its upper left chest

Huntsville sculpture forest

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a forest waterfall

Hogg's Falls, Beaver Valley, near Thornbury

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a brick wall, which seperates him from a ravine with a high waterfall at one end, the scene takes place in an autumn forest in the sun

Eugenia Falls, Beaver Valley, near Thornbury

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a white pine branch, which partially obscures a rapids-waterfall, much Canadian shield is visible in the foreground, and it comprises the entirety of the waterfall

High Falls, Bracebridge

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a low waterfall with no crest, the Canadian shield rocks are identifyable as gneiss from the texture visible in the photo

Port Sidney Falls, Port Sidney

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a manually operated lift lock station, a picnic table is in the foreground

A lock! Huntsville

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of an outdoor mural of Tom Tompson's painting "Northern River"

Huntsville has a lot of beautiful mural reproductions of Tom Thomson and the Group of Seven's artwork. This is the one that I liked most as a photo with me in it (the painting is Northern River by Tom Thompson)

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of an outdoor mural of Tom Thompson's painting "The Jack Pine" on the side of a wooden building, he is estatic

The Jack Pine. Nearly a religious experience

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a window looking out on an urban forest

At the McMichael Canadian Art Collection

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a stone fireplace with a sign reading "Canoe Lake" on the mantle

At the McMichael Canadian Art Collection

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a sumac bush which has begun to turn red in the autumn, his moustache curls on the ends A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands on top of a pile of off white rocks, most are pop can size but larger boulders the size of curling stones also exist

You guys gotta believe me this is a really good rock pile, totally worth the 3 hour drive

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a wooden fence seperating him from a steep hill covered in autumn colours, hills stretch out to the horizon, some covered in green conifers, others the red and gold leaves of the season, a river snakes through the midground

Eagle's Nest Lookout, Bancroft

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair looks alarmed in front of a chain link fence and a sign that reads "No Trespassing, Trespassers will be Prosecuted"

I think I'm technically in the clear here

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands between rows of corn A man with short hair and bushy facial hair struggles to hold up a large, tall pumpkin roughly the size of his torso

Too heavy to carry

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits on the ground in front of a hay bale that has been decorated like a birthday cake, it has six candles made of pool noodles topped with autumn leaves arranged to look like fire A man with short hair and bushy facial hair pretends to struggle to hold back a large concrete sphere in front of a wooden farm fence

Giant Banting Sphere, Banting birthplace, Alliston

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in a pumpkin patch with a vine holding several small orange pumpkins around his neck A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits in his apartment, lights in the background imitate a nebula as captured by the Hubbel Space Telescope

From the comments

James Petrosky: When I started, I had many reasons to take my selfies, but I was pretty certain they weren't for me. I have no idea if they were then, I don't have access to that brain state. They're absolutely, in part, for me now

James Petrosky: I took a drive, ate a shawarma, almost ate some additional Taco Bell (the line was too long), had a nice drive until I met a raccoon, found a potential corn maze that's very close, and feel a bit better. It's hard to make yourself eat when your stomach is off, even when you know it'll make you feel better. And I need to try harder to get out of the apartment every day, even for a little walk, even if it's hard once the October storms come and it's always so rainy. None of these steps solve anything, but it isn't about solutions, it's a about comfort. For that reason, I'm happy to see my oncologist tomorrow. I get to do a trip to Barrie, I get to talk to people and be around people who, sadly, understand my situation. I get to go for pho after, which is damn near the perfect food for if you're chronically underhydrated like me.
I don't like chemotherapy, but I like trips and cats and people, so if it's time for it, then I look forward to quiet days laying in bed watching old noirs.

 ·Tags:  Surgical Recovery  Short Hair  Thick Hair  Brown Hair  Long Beard  Home  Balm Beach  Tiny Marsh  Trent-Severn Waterway  Coboconk  Bobcaygeon  Burleigh Falls  Orillia  Couchiching  Haliburton  Thornbury  Bracebridge  Port Sydney  Huntsville  McMichael Canadian Art Collection  Bancroft  Marmora  Alliston  Skull  Memento Mori  CT Scan  Blood Work  Vomiting  Nausea  Pain  Fatigue  Diarrhea  oncologist

Dec 14, 2022

21:02

A good week

Cycle 7 Day 8

Its been a happily quiet few days, since I got to return back to my apartment. But that cannot last. There's a winter storm expected tomorrow, which doesn't impact someone who stays home a whole lot, but Friday I have an intake appointment with a palliative care doctor that I don't want to miss or have to reschedule. And then four appointments next week (pre-chemo oncologist appointment, symptom management, chemo, chemo disconnect), which is a lot of hospital trips. Being terminally ill is practically a full time job.

This once again sounds more defeatist and depressing than I mean it to. I'm living my best life, doing hobbies, playing games, taking outings to enjoy seasonal lighting, spending quality time with my cat. Decades of mental illness, and coping with mental illness, have given me a good base for coping with the situation.

A man with thin green hair lies in bed, holding a beaver Squishmallow A man with thin green hair sits in a computer chair, wearing only a hooded zip up sweater vest, the background has water effect blue and purple lighting A man with thin green hair sits in a computer chair with a sleeping orange cat cuddled in his lap, the cat takes up half the frame

From the comments

James Petrosky: Just some happy things: An orange cat sits on a red computer chair and looks at the floor An orange cat is curled up on someone's lap An orange cat sits in the space where drawers should be inside a side table A 3D printed evergreen tree with string lights circling around it and a bottle of Coke Starlight for scale A wreath made of shiny things on strings found at the dollar store A 3D printed Koffing held in front of the wreath from before, it is mostly painted A large yeti Squishmallow sits in the passager seat of a car, a man with a red toque and high visibility coat leans into the frame, smiling

 ·Tags:  Pre-Surgery Chemo  Chemotherapy  Course 2  Long Hair  Thin Hair  Green Hair  No Beard  Squishmallow  Thomasin  Palliative Doctor  Winter Storm  Oncologist  Bipolar Disorder  Home

Nov 28, 2022

19:09

End of course one CT scan

Cycle 6, Day 6

Today I visited the Midland hospital for a CT scan. Next week I should hear back about the results. This is how we're going to learn how well the treatment has been working.

I'm excited, and cautiously optimistic, for the results. I need to remind myself that I'm on a palliative chemotherapy cocktail. That the goal is quality of life, not to rid me of the cancer. The best case scenario, the scenario I hope for, is that existing tumors have shrunk and that no further spreading has occurred. None of that is guaranteed, but I feel good, physically and mentally, and I'm allowing myself the risk of disappointment on this.

I have an appointment with the surgical oncologists at Mt. Sinai in early January, they are much more experienced at interpreting this sort of scan than the medical oncology team in Barrie is, so even though I'll learn a lot next week, I'll still have to wait another month before I'll learn a fuller story.

A man wearing a high visibility winter coat stands in front of Georgian Bay A man wearing a blue shirt lies with a golden labradoodle on the floor

 ·Tags:  Pre-Surgery Chemo  Chemotherapy  Course 1  Long Hair  Full Hair  Green Hair  No Beard  CT scan  Woodland Beach  Annie  Mt. Sinai  Oncologist  Surgeon  Wasaga Beach

Oct 16, 2022

21:34

Signs of winter

Cycle 3 Day 4

Its been over a year since the then unknown pain stole my preferred sleeping position (on my side, body pillow between knees to help with my back) from me and forced increasingly elaborate pillow piles to prop myself up to find rest. And today, today I successfully had the most restful nap in that old position. Because of the PICC, I can only lay on one side, and I can't do it while I'm receiving chemotherapy, but this counts as a major quality of life win. I'm choosing not to read anything more into it, but I am excited to share the news with my oncologist next week.

They've closed down the beach for the season, and left me with a forest of signs. Two of three restaurants are closed until the spring, and I plan one more takeout poutine from the last if it's still open this coming weekend. The normal cycles of ends and restarts are always a thing I like to mark, to notice, but they seem especially bittersweet right now. Fortunately there are these small victories (and the fact that the best poutine in the area is open year round)

A man with long green hair wearing is wearing a high visibility raincoat in front of several parking signs, which have been stored together for the winter

 ·Tags:  Pre-Surgery Chemo  Chemotherapy  Course 1  Long Hair  Full Hair  Green Hair  No Beard  Simcoe-Muskoka Cancer Centre  Balm Beach  Pain  PICC  Oncologist

Oct 12, 2022

21:34

Ending cycle 2

Cycle 2 Day 14

I spent a few hours at the cancer centre today, having my once per cycle checkup with the oncologist, and getting blood drawn to monitor a few things, most importantly to me immune system counts (mine are pretty good, given my situation). While there I once again browsed the library of pamphlets. I counted twenty five different specific cancer type pamphlets, only four had photos of people who might have been my age. Three of the four were reproductive cancers. The remainder, including colon, featured people decades older.

I'm very tired, my mood has fallen a bit, but I'm ready to start Cycle 3.

A man with long green hair wearing a light blue shirt and surgical mask sits next to a window in a hospital waiting room

In Royal Victoria Health Centre's Cancer Centre waiting room

A man with long green hair wearing a light blue shirt hugs a black standard poodle on a couch

My favourite poodle ❤️
 ·Tags:  Pre-Surgery Chemo  Chemotherapy  Course 1  Long Hair  Full Hair  Green Hair  No Beard  Simcoe-Muskoka Cancer Centre  Oncologist  Blood Work  Bessie  Poodles  Wasaga Beach

Sep 02, 2022

14:00

A visit with the oncologist

This was written on September 4th, 2022

A month less a day earlier, I learned I had cancer. In two weeks from today, I start chemotherapy. I don't want to rank my bad days, but these two are easily the worst of them. Its only through the power of amazing sushi (and my wonderful partner) that I look so calm here, because there do not exist words for how I felt.

Out goes the 1 Squishmellow per procedure plan, might as well just pile them on (Maggie the manta ray, Nabila the narhwal, Maurice the moose).

I never made it to work that day. So I never got to tell the people I wanted to in person. I'm sorry for that, but I can still barely function when writing this on the 4th.

A man with long dark hair tied back sits in the passanger seat of a car A man with long dark hair is burried by 5 Squishmellows

From the comments

James: I have to tie my hair back to wear my N95 masks, I don't love how it looks but fashion must be sacraficed for health

 ·Tags:  Pre-Treatment  Long Hair  Full Hair  Brown Hair  Long Beard  Squishmellows  Sushi  Alicia  Oncologist  Simcoe-Muskoka Cancer Centre

Sep 02, 2022

12:00

Sep 01, 2022

11:49

Oncologist panic

<! --I reflected on this on September 1, 2023 -->

Given that there are fewer than 24 hours until I meet my oncologist, I'm going to go back to the CUTE ANIMAL PHOTOS well because holy fuck I have an anxiety disorder and I didn't understand anxiety could be so bad

The comments comtain dozens of posts featuring people's pets and wild animals

 ·Tags:  Pre-Treatment  Oncologist  Anxiety

Aug 30, 2022

14:00

Keeping secrets is hard, but necessary, for now

This was written on September 4th, 2022

With the oncologist appointment Friday, this week has taken a profoundly weird turn. I want it all to be secret, to pretend it isn't real, but the pain is getting to a point that I can't even move normally, require naps to get through the day.

Work friends who found out this past week, I'm sorry, I almost said something several times every day I came in this week. But shooting the shit like everything was normal felt so good, and I needed that feeling for as long as I could have it. I don't like to have lied, but it couldn't have been otherwise.

A man with long dark hair sits in a bed, he looks sad and tired

 ·Tags:  Pre-Treatment  Long Hair  Brown Hair  Long Beard  Home  Balm Beach  The Bad Month  Oncologist  Pain

Aug 30, 2022

13:37

Two oncology teams

I reflected on this on August 30, 2023

Good news! I have appointments with two different oncologists!

Bad news! I have appointments with two different oncologists.

From the comments

Ron: Because two different cancers or...
I wanted to say it's good to talk to different professionals about something this important but then it occurred to me.

James Petrosky: Ron two different treatment styles, I think. My understanding, the first is a traditional surgery and chemo option, the second is a more aggressive hybrid approach. The first is at a regional hospital and the second is one of the major hospitals in Toronto

Ron: James Petrosky Given the unfortunate delay in your diagnosis I suppose aggressive might be called for, but honestly cancer scares me enough that I definitely just reflexively equate aggressive with good when it comes to dealing with it. I'd nuke it from orbit if I could

James Petrosky: Ron Bedison I'm fortunate that otherwise my health is still fairly good, so going off absolutely no information I'd also opt for the more aggressive treatment. But more than anything else I'm so in the dark and I just want information.

 ·Tags:  Pre-Treatment  Long Hair  Brown Hair  Long Beard  Simcoe-Muskoka Regional Cancer Centre  Mt. Sinai  Oncologist  The Bad Month

Aug 28, 2022

14:00

Work's end is near

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Nothing special going on, excited to meet my oncologist, have given the short term disability forms to my primary care physician, have yet to fill them out myself. I know the information barrier I've put in place for work is breaking, and that it can't hold, but that I just have to hold on for a couple more weeks.

A man with long dark hair and a beard lies in bed

 ·Tags:  Pre-Treatment  Long Hair  Brown Hair  Long Beard  Home  Work  The Bad Month  Penetanguishene  Balm Beach  Oncologist

Aug 23, 2022

14:00