I'm glad this round of treatment is done. I'm exhausted, I'm so sick of feeling sick all the time. It feels like the side effects (best case scenario, side effects) never really leave. I'm so run down. I need a break - a real break. And I kind of get one.
I feel good this afternoon, not great, but good. I had something called hydration yesterday. For me, it's a litre of IV saline over four hours. Hydration keeps me up all night, because I need to use the bathroom. The need to use the bathroom keeps me on the edge of sleep. Last night was all nightmares. This afternoon, I've recovered. I'm tired, but I went grocery shopping.
The break I get is from chemotherapy. I need a break from it, my body needs to recover. If I don't take a break, my quality of life will get too low and, eventually, I'll refuse treatment. I want a long break. Last time I had roughly six months. My oncologist doesn't want me to take that long. Every day I'm not receiving treatment, I'm losing ground to the cancer. It's the worst optimization problem I've ever had to think about.
I talk to my current oncologist for likely the last time in mid May. It'll take a few weeks to get me fully transfered to an oncologist in Sudbury. And a few more weeks after that to schedule treatment. That's likely what my break looks like. The six month break did very little to reduce the intensity of the side effects I was feeling. It was almost as if no time had passed. I've had a hard time making myself go to treatment for the last few months. I think I'm likely to refuse further treatment before the cancer spreads somewhere serious. I'm not
there yet, though.
I don't get a break from life, though. I don't have nearly as much as I used to left, and I'm going to get rid of even more, but I packing is still exhausting. Now that I'm off chemo, I'm hoping I recover some of the energy I used to have so I can get stuff done.
At the zoo
We look silly, but the hippo looks great
Home after chemo
Chemo suite, cycle 11
At the marsh
Best room at the junk store
Goderich, Ontario
Goderich, Ontario
Goderich, Ontario
Final visit with my oncologist
Got my medicine!
After cycle 12
From the comments
James Petrosky: My hair hasn't started to come back yet, but the facial hair really has. I'll take the small victories, even if the texture is different than it used to be
A day of adventure! But uncharacteristically, I didn't take a lot of photos. The adventuring was centred around Goderich, Ontario (which is a pretty town with a beautiful Lake Huron waterfront, a roundabout at the centre of town with a courthouse in the centre, and some pretty waterfront industry (to my eyes), also a lighthouse which was on the todo list).
I met a friend for lunch in Fordwich (a tiny town I didn't know existed until yesterday). Then traveled to Goderich, then up to Kincardine where I met another lighthouse and experienced the sublime beauty of the world waiting for possibly the worst hot chocolate I've ever had. Finally I traveled to Hanover for dinner, which I had at a casino, so I guess I also visited my first casino today. I won by not playing.
Much more importantly, I saw so many cows (with their poodle sized calf), dozens of sheep with their little lambs, a field full of mini goats (a highlight of the day), many dogs and, a kilometer from home, a cute tabby cat.
I regret to inform you all that I still have not met a corgi.
I know there's no controlling when you're going to be struck by the beauty of the world and the finality of our mortality, but a Tim Hortons in Kincardine with a knock off Nickelback song playing is a touch ridiculous
(We later figured out the song must be That Song by Big Wreck)
From the comments
James Petrosky: I spent half an hour looking out over Lake Huron (main body, not Georgian Bay) for over half an hour, but of course things come over me in the dumbest and least interesting place I've been all day
Ëmmy Smäll: first of all I love all of this, second of all Huron is the only Great Lake I haven’t seen yet but lakes always put me in a place I couldn’t attempt to explain but I get it
James Petrosky: Ëmmy Smäll I was out in that part of the province to have lunch with a friend I hadn't seen in a while, and the beach spot was specifically recommended. It was worth an hour trip out of my way
James Petrosky: But then I wanted to see a lighthouse and ended up further out of my way in Kincardine
James Petrosky: So anyways I can check off "have a good cry in a Tim Hortons parking lot" from my list of required Canadian experiences
Carolyn Coney: James Petrosky an incredibly Canadian moment (tm)
