Saint-Louis Mission National Historic Site is located in Tay Township, Ontario, just outside of Midland, Ontario. It consists of a monument, two plaques, and a small area of cut grass in a forest. Nearby is a monument to an early Anglican Church. I visited sites in Tiny and Springwater as well, but none had much worth talking about.
Boy do I have a lot of feelings about the Terry Fox Run, F🎗️ck Cancer bumper stickers and the like, and the way the media talks about cancer patients. But it really is a lot lot of feelings, and I haven't been able to articulate them in months, so I guess this is all I'm capable of saying to mark the 42nd Terry Fox Run.
James Petrosky: The man did great things, but it sure would have been nice if we, as a society, hadn't decided that running across the second largest country in the world was one of the proper ways of dying of cancer. It's an impossible standard to live up to.
Nobody dare say you don't hold me to this standard. Just don't.
I know you, individually, don't. But I've been scouring the news for months and it is absolutely how we, as a society, feels.
The actual requirement to die this way correctly is to pick a physical feat that a regular person would recognize as difficult and also something they'd never do. Journeying across the country is the best possible choice. The country is fucking huge. Across a province, or a long trail system also work for less physically capable people. Going from fat pre diagnosis to running marathons also works. The important thing is that you have beaten cancer, and are taking a victory lap (and telling society that you care about your health now, because did you really do everything in your power to avoid cancer in the first place?), or are the general, getting yourself ready for the final showdown (you were going to die either way, in the case, but at least you tried by doing something that was never going to affect the outcome)
James Petrosky: I am not about to go policing how any cancer survivor, family member, or terminal case relates to, and talks about, the disease. If you're thinking of a fuck cancer sticker for my benefit, don't. I hate them. I don't need the constant reminder, I already know it's a pretty shit disease. But if it helps you, have at it.
This is complicated by the juvanile jackasses who broke out the Fuck Trudeau signs days after his election. Whether any of us like it or not, a comparison is being made. What was once a flippant say of saying "ugh, this giant class of diseases, right?" now is forever tied up in conservative grievance politics and the fascist trucker convoy. They made a statement against a disease into a statement in favour of another one (that would fuck me up beyond fixing if I got it again)
James Petrosky: Devoting your life to something important to you is one of the three correct ways to die of cancer. The second is to deny the situation, seek out experimental treatments, and fight (because cancer is a battle, and when you lose a battle, you are at least somewhat at fault (unless your a World War 1 general)). So, really, if you don't fight, how can you be upset about dying?
Again, I don't need to hear that you don't think this about me.
Of course it's really complex in reality, most experimental treatments don't work because that is the stage of research they're at. It showed promise in a dish, let's see how it works in a body. But side effects exist, especially on treatments that haven't been proven to work yet. So, really, the treatment probably won't do much good, it's almost certain to leave you with vomiting and constant diahrea. But you're still the general, and it's still your battle to lose.
James Petrosky: The third proper way to die of cancer is only available to people much older than me. 50 is young in a lot of cancer circles. People 65+ can be praised for dying in their beds, surrounded by friends and family, reflecting on a life well lived. I'm 36, so I haven't lived enough. I just get to die an illegal death from cancer.
James Petrosky: Non Canadians. Terry Fox was a young man who died of cancer while trying to run across the country. He started on the east coast and made it to Thunder Bay, Ontario. He's probably the person you can get the most Canadians to say was the Greatest Canadian.
Extremely bad news to all my anxiety friends! You're going to spend the whole time you're aware that you are dying (and I don't mean in the sense that death is the only birthright of any living thing, I mean in the active sense) worrying that you're doing it wrong, that maybe you should be spending more time tidying so that you can look like your holding together (which obviously has nothing to do with how much dust is on your bookshelf, but fuck does it feel like it should).
James Petrosky: I think this is the unpleasant death subject I think about most. My sincere belief is that I made a todo list of mostly just weird junk to occupy time and give me enjoyment. But another valid interpretation is that it's an act, intended to fool me and everyone else, into thinking I'm processing things well, when really I'm so fucked that I can't even be honest about my own motivations.
I think I'm doing trips because I experience genuine joy from them, but I haven't figured out how to tell for sure.
James Petrosky: Tidying and cleaning is a really, really big one for me, because it's something I've always failed at. So, naturally, if I can keep my apartment in order, then I'm doing fine, and since it's a fucking disaster around here (asside from the litter box and toilet), I'm not fine. (Specifically do not want offers to help, holy shit the only way to make this worse is to have to admit I'm no longer capable of maintaining my space, even if it's true)
James Petrosky: My thoughts are very fragmented here, I should have probably let this one develop a little longer. But the take away is that there's no right way to die, there are probably wrong ways but if you aren't doing colonialism looking for the fountain of youth, you're probably okay.
I took a walk just before sunset on September 6th, looking for small woodland animals. Video includes a walk through a marsh on a boardwalk, some leopard frogs and a trumpeter swan towards the end.
Its another road trip day! I'm traveling through Severn Township today.
I visited the Ontario Provincial Police Museum at the OPP Headquarters in Orillia, Ontario. I was unsure about making this stop, but it was free and only a few kilometers out of my way. You are visiting the HQ, so your information is logged into their systems and you must present photo ID. There was a sign encouraging you to take photos, but I didn't see it until my way out, so I have nothing from inside the museum to share.
Antiques on 11 North is one of my regular junk store stops. Its weird going to them, because I used to leave with the exact sort of things I'm trying to get rid of now, but its still enjoyable
This is the former site of a swing bridge. Its a prety spot to stop for a picnic, but Highway 11 makes it a bit loud.
I didn't record a video at Lock 42 Couchiching because I intended to record one at #43, but that didn't work out. This is either the Gull River formation (the same one as at Burleigh Falls) or the Bobcaygeon formation, both are limestone and both are exposed near this location.
I've returned to the Big Chute Marine Railway (#44) because Lock #43 Swift Rapids is reachable by water only. This is hinted at on the Trent-Severn Waterway webpage, but not explicitly stated. I had plans to continue to the final lock, #45 Port Severn, but the locks aren't operating anymore and the washrooms are closed, so its time to head home.
Tomorrow is the anniversary of Cycle 1, Day 1 of chemotherapy. And I don't have a lot to say about it that I haven't said already. It's a horrible medicine, but it's what's keeping me alive and going on adventures. At this point, there's simply no me without it, and that's just a fact I have no choice but to accept, and that's fine.
Last year, late at night, after the PICC had been inserted (one year anniversary today), after I'd had my little walk down to the breakwater and gazed lovingly into the void where either Wasaga Beach should be, or where the sun just departed from, I returned home and took these two pictures. Pictures I did not intend to share. Pictures just for me, so I could track how the disease and the treatment were affecting my body.
Honestly, a year later, I expected a much, much, more dramatic change. Chemo is one of those drugs that really scales with your bodyweight, so I know for a fact, from the exact same calibrated scale, that I have varied by about a kilogram this whole time (2.2lbs). But the photos match the scale. The change is largely in the hair, not the body.
James Petrosky: For clarity, the photos with green hair and the blue shirt are from 2022, roughly 12 hours before first chemo. The photos with the cool Michael Myers shirt are from 2023.
I tried and failed to locate an oxbow lake.
Across Ontario there are several outcrops where you can see the precambrian-paleozoic nonconformity. One of these is approximately 3km West of Burleigh Falls, Ontario, on Peterborough Road 36.
A nonconformity is a missing part of the geological column where sedimentary rock was deposited on a crystalline igneous or metamorphic rocks. Here our igneous rocks are from the Grenville province of the Canadian Shield, and our middle Ordovician rocks are from the Gull River and Shadow Lake formations (part of the Simcoe group). The point of contact between these rocks represents approximately 550 million years of missing geological history, the Ordovician rocks are only 450 million years old.
I said I was going to give you coordinates for the site. After seeing it, and comparing it to what Google StreetView has from a few years ago, I'm not going to do that. Tourist erosion is a real problem in hobby geology. It shouldn't take long for anyone interested to locate the outcrop with this information. If you find yourself there, please respect those who will come after you, and please don't be a nuisance to the people who live nearby.
Support your local(ish) library. I picked up A Good Death by Sandra Martin, because its time to become informed about physician assisted death.
I finally launched this blog! Which you already know, because you're here. Also, still tired from my trip to Burleigh Falls.
I overdid it yesterday, I'm very tired.
I travel a route through central Ontario passing through Coboconk, Fenelon Falls, and Bobcaygeon to arrive at an rock outcrop near Burleigh Falls.
Part 1: Balm Beach
Part 2: Coboconk, Ontario
Part 3: Trent-Severn Waterway Lock #35: Rosedale
Part 4: Kawartha Settlers Village, Bobcaygeon, Ontario
Part 4: Trent-Severn Waterway Lock #28: Burleigh Falls
I really wish I better understood why this is a symptom, probably something to do with the pain.
Anyways, we didn't know it, but I've now been talking cancer for two years. I have no idea what to think of that.
The following was originally posted September 9, 2021
Super glad my body has decided that hunger is boring and unhelpful and instead goes all in on confusion and irritability
Join me as I walk the length of the main dyke at Tiny Marsh. We see sandhill cranes, great blue herons, swans, some ducks and geese and a whole lot of frogs.
The first half, we talk about the wildlife, the marsh, and stories I have about these creatures. On the way back, we talk about Meg 2: The Trench and other magnificently stupid movies.
This is shot with a head mounted camera, so the camera moves a lot and is shakier than is idea.
Its a heat wave! I abandoned the rest of my Balm Beach weekend plans in favour of Meg 2.
I reflected on this on September 4, 2024
This is the anniversary of when I started this album. I'm not sure what I thought I was doing then, but eventually I found my comfort zone relating my experiences with the medical system - the administrative side and the treatment side. This was a comfortable place through chemotherapy, and honestly an exciting one for me to be in through surgery. But I've struggled a bit since then.
I thought it was just that surgical recovery was boring (and it is), but chemotherapy was the same two week cycle sixteen times, and I never felt this way about it. I still talk nonstop about my cancer, as any of you who know me in person, or are in the same Facevook groups, can attest. But I haven't been able to figure out this place.
I think the reason is that, in light of my failed surgery and prognosis, the only place it made sense for me to go was do the same kind of day by day thing, but instead of it being about getting the full cancer trearment experience at 35, it's about grappling with mortality at 36 and, statistically, dying at 37.
Mental health wise, I'm just coming down from a minor hypomanic episode and feel stable, bipolar wise. My lithium levels are good. If asked how I'm doing, I'd truthfully answer "good, given the circumstances," but I can't tell you if that means I'm doing good.
I'm not an actor, though, when you see a look of delight on my face, that's real. I do have an actual notebook with an actual list of neat stuff to do and I am actually crossing things off on all my little adventures. I'm getting out and experiencing the world. Probably doing way more than I ever would have if I remained otherwise healthy, too, which is a thought too terrifying to contemplate.
To end, because it's been haunting my dreams and hopefully sharing will help, if someone, someday, talks about my death bed conversion, know that they are a disgusting fiend who takes advantage of the vulnerable to glorify themselves. If disease progression or treatment leaves me vulnerable earlier than that, same logic applies. These people were never able to convince me so far, I doubt they'll come up with something compelling in the next few years. I doubt I'm interesting or notable enough to receive this treatment, but I know it happens, so I know I'm not 100% unreasonable in my fears.
James Petrosky: 37 is an estimate. I don't want anyone who knows me well enough to start doing math on my birthday and panicking. 38 is probably a better estimate, but 37 fits the flow a lot better, and it's all statistics based on regular colon cancer anyways
James Petrosky: I want to dramatically say "from here on in its all about death" but honestly it's been that way for a while. You have no idea how happy the "thinking about death" joke in Barbie made me, because a) it was funny, and matched my mental state perfectly and b) gave me a lot of cover to joke about it all summer. So thank you, Uncontrollable Thoughts of Death Barbie, you're a life saver.
James Petrosky: Somewhat related to liars for Jesus are liars for other spiritual causes. Mediums, channelers, seyances, ghost hunters, it's all evidence free nonsense, and they do tremendous harm to people undergoing grief by giving them a false hope that can never, ever be realized. If there is somehow an afterlife that can communicate back to the living, I promise you I'll never, ever give these dangerous frauds the time of day. I can be a stubborn person, and this is the thing I'm most stubborn about, so you can be sure I'll hold to it.
Because we live in something approaching a techno dystopia, it's possible to train a large language model on someone's social media history to create a computer program that can write and speak like you can. Maybe there's not enough information available for me. Almost certianly I'm not important enough for this treatment. But if this is done, and it's done well enough to be convincing, the output program is also not me. It's just an actor, playing a role. The same as a spiritualist, they just learn their script from different sources.
Balm Beach weekend part 3 (too tired to arcade, did other restaurant, did attend impromptu antique car show), and the difficulty of planning.
I was never a joiner, why'd my stupid body think this was where the cool cats were at?
Science News: Why are more people under 50 getting colorectal cancer? Scientists have some clues
James Petrosky: The tldr is that they're recommending1 you talk to your doctor if you've got two of the following2:
I had pain and diarrhea, but the pain came much too late, and my digestive system has always been a bit unideal so I never thought much of it.
I reflected on this on September 3, 2024
I miss my long hair, and my green hair, and especially the few days it was blue hair. I did a thing I'd half heartedly wanted to do for a decade, and I'm glad I did. It's nice that not everything in my Facevook memories is an emotional timebomb I've got to work through.
The following was originally posted August 30, 2022
If the chemo is going to take my hair, I'm going to have fun with it first
From the Comments
James Petrosky: *it isn't a forgone conclusion that I'll lose my hair, and I'm pretty excited about this whole thing
Balm Beach weekend part 2 (antiquing in Barrie (not Balm Beach)).
