Cancer Selfies

RIP tooth filling

This year I'm celebrating Thanksgiving with lots of yoghurt and hummus (not at the same time) because my filling lasted a week and now that tooth has got to come out.

Thanksgiving during the plague

By the end of March 2020, it was obvious that Thanksgiving was lost. The scientists were working hard, but clinical trials and logistics just take time. 2021 was quiet and careful. 2022 was in a cabin in Wasaga Beach. 2023 is delayed, because Covid-19 never left us. I don't know if there will be a 2024.

I have a firm no regrets policy (for that is the path of madness), but I wish I'd known that 2019 would be the last normal Thanksgiving of my life.

Even if I doubt I'd change much.

The following was originally posted October 5th, 2020

We're closing in on Thanksgiving, easily my favourite holiday, and even knowing that it's essentially been cancled since March hasn't helped me cope.

From the comments

James Petrosky: This is sad, have a cat

James Petrosky: I'm going to say something that sounds contradictory but isn't.
I'm doing okay, I am as joyful as I seem, I spend my time listening to science communication and get to think about dinosaurs a lot.
The knowledge that every marker - every holiday, anniversary, astronomical event, that passes could easily be my last is a profound weight that no one else can bear for me.
The geese are leaving me, but there'll always be someone to welcome them back.

Its a negative

So it's not Covid-19, at least

From the comments

James Petrosky: Still tired with a messed up digestive situation. But I guess the cause of that was always a bit obvious

Picking apart symptoms

Trying to pick apart symptom causes is hard. Yeah, the cancer is obviously leaving me a specific sort of tired all the time, and limits my endurance on activities. It also does wild and continuously changing things to my digestive system. I'm taking a break from cannibis, in part so that there are fewer potential complications at the dentist Monday, but also because its periodically a good idea. That obviously causes changes in apitite and sleep, too.

But all that doesn't seem enough to explain how tired I am right now, at least I hope it doesn't, since I've slept for most of two days (one after an outing is normal, not two). I know I'm not drinking enough water, my tap water has always been awful and, because of the tooth, I'm trying to cut back on pop and juice. And it feels like food is sitting in my belly, not doing anything, which is absolutely a chemo side effect but not one I'm terribly familiar with outside of that.

Anyways I'm going to see if I can get my hands on a Covid-19 rapid test tomorrow. Exhaustion and digestive problems are 100% explained by the cancer, but still something feels off.

If I do have it, I was either exposed on Tuesday at the gallery or Sunday in Huntsville, either way useless for the contact tracing we're not doing. And that puts me on day 2 or 4 and I'm just as tired as I was after September 10th when I did my Burleigh Falls outcrop trip. So if it's positive, it's very mild.

From the comments

James Petrosky: There are no respiratory symptoms at all, so I didn't even consider it. I spent most of the summer lying down and resting, spending two days doing that after a night of insomnia doesn't even feel worth mentioning.
I had attributed the insomnia to the cannibis, normally I have some before bed to help me sleep, and insomnia is a discontinuation symptom in some people. But covid also matches it. Too many variables, no where near enough data.

VLog: July 29, 2023

A 1% chance of death is a terrifyingly high chance

Lots of bad anniversaries coming up

Past James had best enjoy that long weekend, even with the ruined pizza, Tuesday is going to be the worst fucking day

I've got a lot of feelings about the coming week, but I'm in a good place, mentally. I've found my peace.

The following was originally posted July 29, 2022

Guess who forgot they couldn't taste food and bought pizza to celebrate the long weekend?

From the comments

James Petrosky: I'm also pretty sure I worked all weekend, maybe even the Monday. So I didn't enjoy the weekend. Sometimes thats just how it goes

I was supposed to be on vacation that week, too. Which made all the testing I had to do that week (blood, ultrasound, CT) much easier to work around.

I'll never really get to use my licence

I was pretty pleased about passing my licencing exam last year. But we now know that I did it with excruciating cancer pain AND some pretty bad intestinal panic. Also I did extremely well.

Couldn't have been prouder of any other accomplishment to end my career on (even though it traditionally marks the beginning of a career)

The following was originally posted July 23, 2022

This week refuses to quit with the ups and downs

From the comments

James Petrosky: You can sad and care react if that's what feels right, but I'm genuinely pleased with what I accomplished, and am comfortable with it being an ending. I am at peace.

My Covid-19 anniversary (and a lot more coming)

Oh hey! It's the anniversary of the start of the worst, hardest two weeks of my life. But today's the day I get to return home, too, where Thomasin awaits. Truly a mixed bag of a day.

We must choose to focus on the good, however. Which is pretty easy when she's so soft

The following was originally posted July 22, 2022

That's a positive.

From the comments

James Petrosky: For spoilers, August 5th is the day I traveled five hours, alone, to tell my parents about the cancer diagnosis. I do not recommend, but I can't think of another way I'd have done it.

But the two week period wasn't all bad, I watched a lot of Universal Monsters movies while I had covid, and still think of those quite fondly.

Averted emergncy post!

Cycle 1 Day 8

The PICC line goes directly from your forearm, usually non dominant, to your heart, following large veins. This makes it a extremely dangerous potential route for infection to easily and directly reach your heart, with consequences as dire as you'd like to imagine.

I have two red lines that, if crossed, I'm told I must immediately go to the ER for emergency intervention. They are above 38 for an hour, or above 38.3 at any point. When I'm running any sort of fever (for me, I've set my cutoff at 37, because I rarely stray beyond 36.5), I'm to take no medications that lower a fever.

All my painkillers are Tylenol based. They all lower a fever. So I'm also in a lot of cancer pain, with a cold style headache on top of it.

Long preamble to say that this morning I had a fever that peaked at 37.8. I didn't panic, but I did have a very tense couple of hours. Yesterday, I got my 2nd Covid-19 booster (hurray bivalent vaccine), which was almost certainly the cause of this. But I also had my PICC dressing changed, and the nurse was extremely careful, but who's to say I didn't get an infection (well, I am, now, but at 5AM that was not clear).

The tldr of it is everything about cancer treatment, or any treatment, is a trade off of risks and benefits. The PICC is a tremendous risk, but also a fantastic benefit. I was not ready for the level of responsibility I have to take for my own body during this. But it's a wild and fascinating ride

From the comments

James Petrosky: To be clear, I'm in no danger. I never was actually in any danger. And if the situation had turned, I had everything ready to go to address the situation before it turned truly dangerous.

My partner and I have talked through all this stuff with the oncologist and nurses. We're not expects by any means, but we're informed and empowered and ready to act when needed. ❤️

Also, the side effects were much more minor for me this time. I got a proper fever all the other times, and were I healthy and working I'd probably have gone in today without even noticing it. So yeah, bivalent vaccine: 👍👍

Taste still hasn't returned

Pro: I found a store that sells grey market American Vanilla Coke (no French on the label, inscrutable units)

Con: Covid-19 has decided I can't taste vanilla today

I also cleared out all the stores I could think of of Starlight, as a treat to myself when I do good at an appointment.

There are a lot of tests

This was written on September 4th, 2022

A lot of new tests had been scheduled, I knew I was driving five hours to Elliott Lake the next day and was dreading it. I'd been planning this visit for months (it got changed up a bit because I got Covid-19, and then again the day before, because I no longer had the energy for big trips and now needed to be nearer an emergency room I didn't think Chapleau could provide)

Bank holiday 2022

Guess who forgot they couldn't taste food and bought pizza to celebrate the long weekend?

I passed my CofQ exam

This week refuses to quit with the ups and downs

From the comments

James Petrosky: (that means I passed my exam and am a licenced electrician as of today)

(also holy shit it wasn't even close, 89/100 with a pass mark of 70, that's at the extreme high end of what I was expecting)

Robert: James Petrosky have you ever considered that you’re good at certain things?
James Petrosky: Robert Ocasionally, I was reasonably sure I had passed but I also didn't sleep for the three or four nights prior and timed my meals wrong day of so I was loopy from low blood sugar by the end of it, so it wasn't super easy to judge the outcome

Covid-19 finally got me

That's a positive.