Cancer Selfies

The night before chemotherapy

Tomorrow is it, day one of my first round of chemotherapy. I'd be lying to you if I said I was okay, or that I was calm, or ready. Because I'm none of those things. I haven't even fully come to terms with my diagnosis. There's been no time, and getting to this point as fast as possible has quite literally been a case of life and death. I'm exhausted, I'm anxious, I can't sleep.

Tomorrow beings answers to important questions like how will I tolerate chemotherapy, what are my side effects going to be like, how careful am I going to have to be.

Tomorrow brings hope. The only way out of this for me is through the cancer centre, through these appointments. It's absolutely terrifying, every single part of this has been terrifying. Every new pain has been the terror of further spread. Every Covid-19 type symptom for months terrified me that I'd delay this process (and now will cause anxiety because I'm about to become immunocompromised). Every single thing that is slightly abnormal is a new horror. And they will all remain horrors, the thing that has replaced university exams or abusive Target liquidation customers as the antagonist of my stress dreams. But, tomorrow, I also to start striking back. And that's not nothing.

PICC install day

The PICC line, for those (like myself) who were unaware, is a line inserted into a vein in my non dominant forearm that extends to the heart. I'm glad I was ignorant until minutes before the procedure, because that is the stuff of nightmares for me, even if the actual result felt, at worst, a bit weird

On the types of chemotherapy

There are many sorts of chemotherapy. Which makes sense, cancer is a collection of diseases of various tissues.

There are many sorts of chemotherapy. Which makes sense, different tumors and different cancers are going to have different vulnerabilities.

There are many sorts of chemotherapy. Which makes sense, side effects are an important consideration, and the risks must always be balanced with the benefits of the drugs.

There are many sorts of chemotherapy. Which makes sense, some are used to prepare for surgery, or to remove the cancer completely. Others are palliative, used to prolong life and minimise pain.

Friends, my chemotherapy is palliative. Which isn't to say my oncologist has given up on me, this round of chemotherapy is simultaneously the correct standard of care and the necessary first step to get a more advanced treatment.

The PICC goes in tomorrow, and the first round of chemo starts the day after. I've never been more tired and overwhelmed in my life.

My parents are visiting this week, which is a great comfort, and they've brought my best poodles, Annie (golden labradodle) and Bessie (black standard poodle). I've saved this post for the day I got lots of good photos, maybe it'll help lighten things a touch.

What is a PICC?

Once installed, a Peripherally Inserted Central Catheter (PICC) line must be cleaned by a qualified medical professional once a week. Since in hospital chemotherapy appointments happen every two weeks, they arrange a home care nurse to visit during the off week to clean and maintain it. Here you see me, once again outside the laundromat, after having a long difficult conversation, detailing my whole medical history, just exhausted by the crushing reality of it all.

Three more days.

(My arm's up all goofy because my seat is leaned back to about 45 degrees, because of the abdominal pain, and there just wasn't much else to do with it.)

Phone Anxiety

Fun fact! Phone anxiety only gets worse when it's literally a matter of life and death

From the comments

James Petrosky: Okay I whine but I think it's all done. Turns out the trick is to short circuit my worry circuits with the care circuits by putting "order flee medication for Thomasin" last because I will always put off stuff for me but cats are much too important
James Petrosky: To anyone worrying, it's important but not iminant. I need to get some CT scan results to someone at another hospital, but apparently the best/only way to so that is a USB drive.

James Petrosky: It's not like I'm not calling an ambulance because I'm too nervous, is what I mean.
Stefanie: James Petrosky really in this day and age they can’t send the files over in a better more accessible way? That’s really unfortunate
James Petrosky: Stefanie patient confidentiality is the killer, I think
Stefanie: James Petrosky it makes sense but it’s unfortunate given you probably can’t like mail it
James Petrosky: Stefanie I think it's a USB drive, so I might be able to mail it. Once I have it I'm calling and asking how they want it sent
James Petrosky: It's a CD/DVD. What is this, 2005?
I can't even look at the files 😆
Stefanie: James Petrosky damn that’s really old school (says the nurse who was still sending out patients with CDs last year 😆) yeah you probably can’t because of software needs and they put some super security measures on them for confidentiality
James Petrosky: Stefanie no I can't because I haven't owned a CD drive in almost a decade

A walk at the marsh

I've been under no illusions about my situation since I first learned of the diagnosis, but the past few days have been the emotional weight of it all coming to fully rest on my shoulders. It's been hard. Really hard. I'm tired a lot and today I has to give up on something because it causes me physically too much pain. I'm still haven't fully accepted that, yet.

But I met some swans up close, and Thomasin is very cute, and I have amazing friends and family (all the readers included ❤️) and I'm excited/terrified that I start chemo in four days.

Thank you all for sticking with me so far ❤️

From the comments

James Petrosky: Other junk I didn't get photos of but I found super exciting to see at the marsh:

• So many green frogs and leopard frogs. So so so many. Every step a cascade of frogs jumped away, especially the leopard frogs because the path they were on was a lot less rraceled
• a small seige of sandhill cranes, three of which landed and put on a bit of a show, stretching their wings and making silly crane sounds
• a single very smol garder snake, at the folk horror mound
• I accidentally treed an American Bitern, a bird I had never seen before today, and got a really good look at a majestic water bird looking extremely goofy at the top of a tree. 10/10 recommend viewing beautiful majestic wildlife outside of its preferred environment (except moose, leave them in the swamps, you don't need a highway kaiju fight)
• Evidence of a moose or other large animal, which I didn't investigate because the last thing I want to meet in a swamp on foot is a territorial moose
• Did you know swans sing? And that their song is profoundly beautiful? And they harmonize with each other? I'm still 100% team Canada goose, but the water fowl alliance of ducks-geese-swans is simply unbeatable. A whole lot of swan watching is on the remission list

Sarah: You've got this. And sometimes you will feel like you don't. And that's okay. I think the biggest lie that people are made to beleive is that they have to hold it together and be strong. But it's okay to be soft and get messy. You're entitled to it and those feelings are perfectly valid. Be gentle with yourself, give yourself grace and cry when you need to. Treat yourself and give in when you want things thay bring you comfort. You deserve those things.

My first visit to an arcade

Would you believe I'd never been to an Arcade? Or won something cool in a claw game? Cross those of the list. Galaxian was my second favourite Arcade game going up (a Windows 95 port) (Asteroid was my favourite, but the table was broken today). The driving game was tremendous fun, but making hard turns without the forces your body expects is weird and made me dizzy.

We also played a bunch of skee ball, but were having so much fun we forgot all about photos. We wanted to play some Adams Family (1991) pinball but some very good pinball players were ahead of us, maybe next time.

*so I know none of these are actually selfies but that's because it's impossible to play these games and hold your phone.

Sushi thief

Its not all bad, all my silly stuffed animals do honestly help. I surround myself in them and it's comforting. Except for Thomasin, who protests until she gets a whole side to herself.

Also, cheap supermarket sushi lunch. I can only eat sushi for another four days so I'm enjoying even the cheap stuff while I can. But someone else was also really interested in it, so we had to battle a bit. Don't worry, it's tuna melts for dinner, she's going to get her favourite fish, too.

Monochromatic light

Today was not an easy day. I managed to get a few things on my todo list done, but spent most of the afternoon in bed sleeping. I'm tired and my mood is low. The feeling passes, but there's a strong temptation to dwell there.

From the comments

James Petrosky: I did try and get a change of scenery to break the mood, but that truck was parked in my driveway blocking me in. After a decade of knowingly struggling with mental illness, I have a large toolbox for dealing with this sort of thing. But sometimes we're thwarted, and sometimes we fail, and that's okay. Thomasin, as always, is a delight and a help, and honestly filling my bed with cute soft toys had a much bigger positive effect than I would have thought.

Do Kissenger Next

We've earned some more nice things I think.

From the comments

James Petrosky: I don't reallt care how any individual person reacts to this, live your life, but it's goosing wild to put your cat group into mourning, with no posts for a day

At the beach, on the patio

Had a good day, saw a relative, received an amazing gift, went to a restaurant with a 2nd floor porch patio overlooking the beach. A good day. But the bottom still fell out. I'm not alone, I've never had more support (and Thomasin has never been more clingy), but I still feel that way. The feeling passes, but it is powerful.

Late night, on the beach

Late night. Sometimes, there is no naritive. Sometimes, you just go to the beach to watch the moon reflect in the waves. Sometimes, you make a new smol skunk friend.

Sometimes you've saved up enough energy to just pretend things are normal for half an hour. And the moon and the weather and the trash friends just play along with you.

A Kitty cat break

I wanted to go for a walk, but Thomasin had other ideas. She loves cuddles in the computer chair, and I sit with her as long as I can, but it's often a very painful position. Tonight I had to get up first, and she's sulking about it.

An ice cream break

Today has been an exhausting day, physically and mentally. Mentally, going into work for the last time before treatment was a lot. Everyone has a different way to process bad news from an acquaintance or coworker. And I've been unable to control the pain at all the last couple of days, I have some ideas why (because nothing materially changed with my condition the last few days, so it's got to be behavioural in part) and I have an appointment with my nurse practitioner next Tuesday, so we'll get this solved.

Anyways, ice cream always helps. My favourite place is soon to be closed for the winter, so I simply must take advantage before then. Thomasin has become aggressively cuddly, she really enjoys when I spend lots of time at home, so at least someone is going to benefit from my situation ❤️

From the comments

Some bonus Thomasin

Officially off work

The disability paperwork is submitted. I'm officially off until the end of treatment. Whenever that is. Normally it feels great to leave work for almost any reason, I've finally found one where that isn't true. The first is a service entrance, the second is the maintenance office (but people were around so the mask is ready to go back on)

Another morning squish

Early morning, with Felexine. I haven't really slept well at all, the pain has been too intense. I don't think anything has changed with disease progression since last week, I think it has to be behavioural. I'm pretty constipated from the T3s, and that is at least part of it. I need to call my nurse practitioner about work paperwork regardless, so I'll ask then.

I'm going into work this morning to hand in my short term disability paperwork. And to tell the final people who don't know what's going on, and telling them I'll be away for at least six months. I was dreading this all last week, but after Friday it doesn't seem nearly as bad. The benefit of perspective, I guess. Everyone's going to be supportive, but it's still going to be an exhausting morning.

Evening squish

Maurice and I, exhausted at the end of the day. Turns out the 5km and the agonizing pain of the drive home (just 20 minutes, but a 20 minutes that stretched forever) was overdoing it. I've barely been out of bed since, except to be bad at labour solidarity and buy some pizza.

The fatigue has crept up on me so carefully and quietly that I only noticed after it became completely overwhelming.

I still experience happiness and joy, and am still driven by hope, and these things aren't failing. But I'm just so tired now.

Thank you, everyone, for your kindness and your words and your attention. It's so much easier to stay hopeful when I feel noticed, seen, wanted. You're all amazing ❤️

Fruit flies

In my month of Covid-19 and cancer exhaustion I have allowed some serious Produce Crimes to happen and now my apartment has enough fruit flies for several exorcism movies. I'm so tired

Afternoon squish

Afternoon. I over did it on the walk. I nearly pulled over several times during the drive home because sitting is one of the worst positions to be on, but walking is fine, and helps a lot in the short term. I want to be able to drive myself to most of my appointments, but if it keeps up like this, I'm not going to be able to. Long term I have significantly more existential fears, but short term it's all about losing normal, and I'm terrified of losing the normal of mobility in my life. I have enough friends and family to get me through this if I do, but it would be devistating for my mental health.

Tiny Marsh

Tiny Marsh. The marsh isn't small, Tiny is just the name of thr township. I over did it with a 5ish km walk this morning. There were many swans, some ducks, but no geese. The marsh is similar to the wetlands I grew up with, with similar shore species and lots of cattails, but the lack of rock and jackpine makes it special and unique to me. Even if it's absolutely typical of every wetland in the area. Plus there's always so many cool dogs (no photos, I keep to myself as best I can)