Returning from outside for the corgi and concert with my brothers. Joseph is driving, Willy accompanying, I'm in the wheelchair, too tired to risk using my own body. Like many, I wish I'd spent more time in with my siblings, and I'm truly grateful for the time I've been able to spend with them here at the hospice.
September 2022, just finished chemo cycle 1, at the boardwalk on Woodland Beach in Tiny township.
August 2023, the main chunk of surgical recovery complete, I'm ready to have my autumn of adventure, exploring central Ontario. Picture taken at Science North in Sudbury, as part of a day where we honoured our grandfather by doing the activities he used to take us out for.
August 2024. Last night. Hospice Suite, St. Joseph's Hospital. I'm noticeably weaker and more tired than I was, but I still have my good moments. There's still joy to be found.
I've said on more than one occasion that I've had nothing but teriffic luck with my interactions with the health care system. The surgeon who originally had my case in Midland took my pain complaints seriously, my medical and surgical oncologists did absolutely everything they could, and, finally, my doctor in Elliot Lake took me on as a patient the moment she got my case out of the ER.
My Elliot Lake doctor gave me my Daley, the tasty tasty noodle boy. He's my broth buddy, picked because I've been on a fluid only diet since early July (even though I'm not even really eating that, either).
I know my experience is not typical, I'm familiar with other people's horror stories. But I'm so grateful for the care I've received, and I hope we all can get what we deserve in the future.
*I'm not forgetting nurses, at least on purpose. I feel confident that my stay at Mt. Sinai would have been days longer if not for two specific nurses taking special interest in my case. Here, as a palliative patient, I have nurses who will stop by for a chat, sharing bits of their lives outside the hospital walls (children, dogs, cats, a goat, skeet shooting, a little bit of everything). It keeps me grounded and in the world. Also, the nurses do all the real labour or care, for which I cannot possibly express enough gratitude for
My last solo adventure was a trip down King's Highway 17, starting at the turnoff to Elliot Lake and ending at at Echo Bay. The destination was adding a second oversized coin to my collection, the Giant Loonie at Echo Beach (the other in my collection is the Big Nickle in Sudbury, which is much bigger and more impressive). I visited a few landmarks, got pretty lost on some backroads without any cellular coverage at all, and found some artisanal sourkraut in a valley I didn't know existed.
The only thing I can recommend without reservation from this trip is a visit to the Black Bear Cafe on St. Joseph's Island, they had the finest buttertarts I've ever purchased and a lemon bar that I somehow managed to savour over a few improbable days.
The Loonie is just off the highway, though, so if silly roadside nonsense is your thing (like it is mine), then it's an easy thing to cross off your List Formally Known as the Remission List. The sourkraut was really good, and I'm upset I don't get to finish eating it, but I have no idea how to return to that location, so it's lost to us all.
A Cancervercery marks the anniversary of an important event in your cancer journey. August 2nd, 2022 marks the first time a doctor uttered the word and changed the direction of my life irrevecobly.
The Cancervercery is not a celebration of diagnosis, it's about survival. Cancer is a truly monstrous thing, and marking another year with it is good and right.
For my first Cancervercery, August 2nd, 2023, my best friend Lilly Hill helped me throw a tea party for some of my favourite plush friends. There were adult drinks (which i couldn't have, its hard on a liver already harmed by the cancer), tea, cake and, finally a fire in the evening.
It was a wonderil day of whimsy and make believe, the perfect escape from a reality that can be unkind. Plus, cake!
I've seen Cats (2019), conservatively, over 250 times. The Covid-19 layoff period was one of hyperfixation for me. Somehow, through all those viewings, my only partner was Thomasin, and I think she was more into our group watches for the quiet cuddles rather than the cinematic masterpiece.
One night in hospice we decided it was time to watch it. I was too afrade that people close to me wouldn't enjoy it that I didn't let them have the choice.
My youngest brother, Joseph, and my partner, Alicia, took the plunge with me, probably for the final time.
For me, some of the magic was gone. The warm glow of hyperfixation has long passed. I still adore the music the way I always have, still love the dedication to bisexual lighting, and still love the weird little story they crammed into a musical that did not need it. I remembered the hours I spent pouring over vintage maps of London, trying to figure out the geography of the world. After the movie was over, I listened to The Flop House Cats episode, just to draw out that feeling I'm hoping is a nontoxic nostalgia.
My partner and my brother both had a good time, too. It was fun to rehash the old talking points, all of which kind of come down to not a singe choice being made correctly during production. I don't think it'll end up on either of their top ten lists, but we were happy to share that particular bit of madness together.
I really lucked out that the software I chose at random for my digital scrap book had a perfect cover page for me. I get to choose joy and wonder and whimsy and to experience the beautiful madness of the world because of all of you supporting me throughout the whole of my cancer journey.
An exploration of the bleak breakfast (singular) I get daily that I am usually still excited for. Also popcorn cheese powder.
The full hospice playlist
Consider donating to St Joseph's Hospital in Elliot Lake, they do excellent work for a small community. They're working on improving their oncology area, which is very close to my heart. These improvements will allow more patients to recieve their treatment in the community they live in, rather than traveling two hours each way to the nearest cancer centre.
If you want to keep your money closer to home, then please consider donating to a hospice. The one here has given me and my family so much joy and comfort in a very difficult time in our lives time. I don't think I'd still feel as alive and vibrant, and I would not still be creating, without the care this hospice provides. Hospice is a gift we all deseve at our appointed hour.
Surviving cancer has been a long, hard process of identifying the demons that haunt the dark places in my life and befriending them.
First, I tried the disease itself. But that's too big. I still haven't gotten to the point of forgiveness to my own body for the betrayal it's put on me. But I have accepted it, and recognize it as an amoral force of nature.
My real first victory was over denial. Accepting the diagnosis was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I don't remember if it was the first or second chemo session that convinced me completely, but it was early. And for this I'm thankful, it let me jump right into the photo project which has enriched my life and delivered a tremendous amount of meaning to me. And maybe it'll help someone, too.
There have been dozens of little and big anxieties. I used to hate needles, now I have four perminant IVs in my limbs. Eighteen chemo cycles over two years is enough exposure for most. My treatment was repetitive, it's easy to make boring or anxiety like that.
A secret I only just started telling is that three days before the HIPEC surgery, when I had the consent forms filled out but hadn't sent them in, I very nearly didn't. I had won a minor duel with denial on routine stuff, but not when a dozen organs were on the line. But the fortitude I'd developed in eight months of treatment carried me through, and for my trouble I was gifted certainty. But not granted our desired outcome.
Befriending death is the difficult one. I've been working on it since accepting my diagnosis in September 2022 and since accepting my surgical fate in June 2023. I've come a long way. I know the form death will take (it's private, don't ask), and I know my last act will be to embrace it as a close friend. And I know that this will happen on their time, and I'm not ready yet.
There's more, so much more, buried in my Facebook wall (I've read it all for a project), but today I want to celebrate a small, but important for me, victory. The Antler's Hospice is a beautiful little album, perhaps nothing worth writing about these years later, but I like it's tragic beauty. I banned it from my playlist in 2022 because the central metaphor of a hospice was too much for me while coping with terminal illness.
Friends, I listened to that album straight through. In the cold dark of the hospice I've called home for over a month. My partner is in the next room, but she's asleep. And the nurses largely leave us alone after dark. It's just me, my headphones, the inky darkness of a Northern Ontario night, and the hum of my medical machines.
How I imagine it supposed to be listened to it.
I've become fast friends with Hospice again. I only hope this small victory can apply elsewhere. But if not, I have Kettering back. And thats beauty I want from the world.
James Petrosky: The song I have forgiven for hitting too close to home. It's a beautiful and powerful song.
Brennan Moline: James Petrosky thank you as always for sharing powerful art that speaks to you
Gena Radcliffe: “I still haven’t forgiven my body for the betrayal it’s put on me. But I have accepted it, and recognize it as an amoral force of nature.” This is beautiful, powerful, and deeply relatable.
James Petrosky: Gena Radcliffe it took me so long to get here, and it requires constant work as the cancer creates new nightmares, but it's given me so much peace and mental stillness.
Cathy Petrosky: You have taught this old lady so much. For this I am so grateful. 🥰
Dennis Dorion: Your mom is so right. This past, short 2 years will have changed so many lives. I hope in some way we can pay it forward. Each day is so precious. It is so easy to look at the big things and miss all the beautiful smalls. You have been able to capture all these smalls. I am beginning to see these smalls because of you. Thank you so much for being you. ❤️💜
Consider donating to St Joseph's Hospital in Elliot Lake, they do excellent work for a small community. They're working on improving their oncology area, which is very close to my heart. These improvements will allow more patients to recieve their treatment in the community they live in, rather than traveling two hours each way to the nearest cancer centre.
If you want to keep your money closer to home, then please consider donating to a hospice. The one here has given me and my family so much joy and comfort in a very difficult time in our lives time. I don't think I'd still feel as alive and vibrant, and I would not still be creating, without the care this hospice provides. Hospice is a gift we all deseve at our appointed hour.
Today, my partner Alicia and brother Joseph watched Cats. This was both of their first times, and probably something around my 250th.
I hadn't watched it since before my diagnosis. I needed comforts like this more than ever, but with Cats I'm always terrified that the magic will have somehow evaporated. That I'll be left like the majority who panned it, stuck in a grayer world, lacking those beautiful neon alleys.
Cats' powerful sway over me is broken. My capacity for that obsession died the day I had to say out loud the words "it's cancer" to my parents, "stage four". But Cats is still a joy, a delight, a bright and colourful balm, and exactly what today needed.
Brennan Moline: You are a much stronger man than me for being able to resist forcing your friends and family to watch your obsession. I know I forced Annette on more than a few folks
James Petrosky: Brennan Moline some things are just so close to you that you need to be forced to share with your loved ones. The fear of rejection has been too white hot, but I'm glad I overcame it today.
Brennan Moline: James Petrosky I understand that -- after some bad reactions to the aforementioned forced annette, I am much more hesitant now.
Jamie Piedmont Murgatroyd Teller: Brennan Moline you did the right thing
Brennan Moline: Jamie Piedmont Murgatroyd Teller By forcing Annette or being hesitant haha
Jamie Piedmont Murgatroyd Teller: Brennan Moline the former, the good news must be spread (it’s my favorite film of the decade so far)
Brennan Moline: Jamie Piedmont Murgatroyd Teller Fuck yes, so glad to meet another devotee of the baby Annette (who is a baby, afterall). It's among my favorite films of all time. It came at a time when I was feeling really weirdly sullen and pessimistic and slapped me out of nowhere as one of my new favorite movies. I even have a tattoo saying "Sympathy for the Abyss"
Cam Percy: Sharing Cats (2019) with someone for the first time is one of my favourite things to do. I'm so glad you got to do it today.
Cam Percy: SKIM BLE SHANKS THE RAIL WAY CAT
James Petrosky: Cam Percy Skimble won't let anything go wrong, and that is a comforting thought
Consider donating to St Joseph's Hospital in Elliot Lake, they do excellent work for a small community. They're working on improving their oncology area, which is very close to my heart. These improvements will allow more patients to recieve their treatment in the community they live in, rather than traveling two hours each way to the nearest cancer centre.
If you want to keep your money closer to home, then please consider donating to a hospice. The one here has given me and my family so much joy and comfort in a very difficult time in our lives time. I don't think I'd still feel as alive and vibrant, and I would not still be creating, without the care this hospice provides. Hospice is a gift we all deseve at our appointed hour.
Very occasionally, you can catch a perfect tinsel like strand of nostalgia. We embraced, shared, and parted as friends. It's the safe way to spend time with these ghosts.
(We had a group watch of Repo: The Genetic Opera and all felt it held up as a beautiful cult film, the way we did in university)
Consider donating to St Joseph's Hospital in Elliot Lake, they do excellent work for a small community. They're working on improving their oncology area, which is very close to my heart. These improvements will allow more patients to recieve their treatment in the community they live in, rather than traveling two hours each way to the nearest cancer centre.
If you want to keep your money closer to home, then please consider donating to a hospice. The one here has given me and my family so much joy and comfort in a very difficult time in our lives time. I don't think I'd still feel as alive and vibrant, and I would not still be creating, without the care this hospice provides. Hospice is a gift we all deseve at our appointed hour.
To people, Al, and to podcasts, The Flop House. Thank you for spending this time with me
The full hospice playlist
Consider donating to St Joseph's Hospital in Elliot Lake, they do excellent work for a small community. They're working on improving their oncology area, which is very close to my heart. These improvements will allow more patients to recieve their treatment in the community they live in, rather than traveling two hours each way to the nearest cancer centre.
If you want to keep your money closer to home, then please consider donating to a hospice. The one here has given me and my family so much joy and comfort in a very difficult time in our lives time. I don't think I'd still feel as alive and vibrant, and I would not still be creating, without the care this hospice provides. Hospice is a gift we all deseve at our appointed hour.
I'm no longer writing Cancer Selfies, that project didn't finish where I wanted or where I expected, but it did finish at the right place. People have used the final post (hospice, sticky on my profile) as a place to leave nice messages for me and my family, which I appriciate more than I can express. This is a good place for them. I've enjoyed reading them all, and keeping them together makes them easier to find in the future.
Thank you for going through this with me.
The full hospice playlist
Consider donating to St Joseph's Hospital in Elliot Lake, they do excellent work for a small community. They're working on improving their oncology area, which is very close to my heart. These improvements will allow more patients to recieve their treatment in the community they live in, rather than traveling two hours each way to the nearest cancer centre.
If you want to keep your money closer to home, then please consider donating to a hospice. The one here has given me and my family so much joy and comfort in a very difficult time in our lives time. I don't think I'd still feel as alive and vibrant, and I would not still be creating, without the care this hospice provides. Hospice is a gift we all deseve at our appointed hour.
Today I'm celebrating my second Cancervercery. I don't think that, as a birthday like holiday, it's likely to catch on with anyone else, but it's important to me.
It marks the anniversary of my diagnosis, celebrates the months and months enduring chemo and recovering from surgery. It's an opportunity for me to look back at all the things I've done while under the shadow of one of humanities greatest nightmares.
For my first Cancervercery, I threw a squishmallow tea party, complete with a decorated Cancervercery cake. Whimsy and silliness were powerful enough then to contain the horror.
For my second, and final, Cancervercery, that horror is unavoidable and inescapable. I've survived and thrived during my time in hospice, during the time when the processes of death itself could not be ignored. I've prepared a tour of my hospice life, complete with the digression and discussion everyone who knows me has come to expect. It's a long video, but a nice length for a visit (1.5 hours). It's extremely intimate and emotional. But I chose to make it, and I chose to publish it, and I'm choosing to share it here.
My first Cancervercery (this is a genuinely fun and joyful video)
Consider donating to St Joseph's Hospital in Elliot Lake, they do excellent work for a small community. They're working on improving their oncology area, which is very close to my heart. These improvements will allow more patients to recieve their treatment in the community they live in, rather than traveling two hours each way to the nearest cancer centre.
If you want to keep your money closer to home, then please consider donating to a hospice. The one here has given me and my family so much joy and comfort in a very difficult time in our lives time. I don't think I'd still feel as alive and vibrant, and I would not still be creating, without the care this hospice provides. Hospice is a gift we all deseve at our appointed hour.
I've enjoyed my time as amateur science communicator. This is not that.
The full hospice playlist
Consider donating to St Joseph's Hospital in Elliot Lake, they do excellent work for a small community. They're working on improving their oncology area, which is very close to my heart. These improvements will allow more patients to recieve their treatment in the community they live in, rather than traveling two hours each way to the nearest cancer centre.
If you want to keep your money closer to home, then please consider donating to a hospice. The one here has given me and my family so much joy and comfort in a very difficult time in our lives time. I don't think I'd still feel as alive and vibrant, and I would not still be creating, without the care this hospice provides. Hospice is a gift we all deseve at our appointed hour.
I've enjoyed my time as amateur science communicator. This is not that.
Content warnings for cancer, death, dying, medical terror, and crimes against peach lemonade.
The full hospice playlist
Consider donating to St Joseph's Hospital in Elliot Lake, they do excellent work for a small community. They're working on improving their oncology area, which is very close to my heart. These improvements will allow more patients to recieve their treatment in the community they live in, rather than traveling two hours each way to the nearest cancer centre.
If you want to keep your money closer to home, then please consider donating to a hospice. The one here has given me and my family so much joy and comfort in a very difficult time in our lives time. I don't think I'd still feel as alive and vibrant, and I would not still be creating, without the care this hospice provides. Hospice is a gift we all deseve at our appointed hour.
Hospice Suite. St. Joseph's General Hospital, Elliot Lake, Ontario.
The hospice suite is my home now. I've been in treatment for a partial bowel obstruction for a few weeks. For a while, it was promising, but then things turned, and the word hospice was uttered more and more regularly.
I have thoughts about many things, about how we talk about people as having lost their battle with cancer (you do you, but it's not for me), the ubiquity of Fuck Cancer bumper stickers (you do you, not for me) and even my own cancer as a seige (I like it more than a battle, but ultimately it shares the same problem). I can't stand the hushed tones and terror in our voices, as though it was some cheap fantasy villian.
All I've got, after two years of treatment and surgeries and hospital stays and mounds of medications and so much vomiting is the slowed down, minor key, horror movie trailer cover of Abba's Waterloo. Something fun and wonderful turned terrible, terrible but somehow compelling.
I intend to remain in hospice for the majority of the remainder of my life. I would love to see people. Lots of people. The celebration of life that will follow my passing will be a smaller, quieter affair, to reflect the wishes and needs of my family.
The Hospice Suite is located at St. Joseph's General Hospital in Elliot Lake, Ontario. 70 Spine Lake Road. Visiting hours are listed as 11AM-7PM, but staff have been really flexible with us so far.
Elliot Lake is two hours from either Sudbury or Sault St. Marie, has one hotel (Hampton Inn, it's nice), there are highway side motels (varying quality) and some options in Blind River (40 minutes away).
Because of disease progression, and especially the amount of painkillers I'm on, I don't have as much internet energy as I used to. I'm trying to read everything as I can, but I won't be able to respond as I used to. It's just the nature of my Waterloo.
I love you all, you've meant so much to me for as long as I've known all of you, and especially for the last two years.
PS the hospice is animal friendly, so you might get to meet an orange cat (but she's been anxious, so we might leave her at home)
PPS this is a catholic hospital, and that's a complicated question for the healthy to debate, I'm not interested in that debate, any discussion of religion (I'll fist bump and share a Coke over some forms of annihilation) and any discussion of politics.
PPPS I don't know how long I have.
There were many kind responses to this post. I don't have the heart to go throuhg them again. The scrapbook records them.
Consider donating to St Joseph's Hospital in Elliot Lake, they do excellent work for a small community. They're working on improving their oncology area, which is very close to my heart. These improvements will allow more patients to recieve their treatment in the community they live in, rather than traveling two hours each way to the nearest cancer centre.
If you want to keep your money closer to home, then please consider donating to a hospice. The one here has given me and my family so much joy and comfort in a very difficult time in our lives time. I don't think I'd still feel as alive and vibrant, and I would not still be creating, without the care this hospice provides. Hospice is a gift we all deseve at our appointed hour.
I don't have a lot of answers, and have even less energy to share what I do have, but increasingly all roads are converging onto hospice care. Thank you all for your love and support these past years, I couldn't have made it this far without you.
Eva Bowering: Love you James. My heart has been with you on your long journey and I will wish you nothing but peace as you transition onward to hospice care. Thinking of you and your closest loved ones.
Janet Dorion: Oh James. We love you more than you know. Miss you so much 😢 💔
Lan L.: oh my dear, we all love you too
Ross Keith: Love you man. We’re all here with you
Cynthia Davis: Hugs James, my thoughts are with you. And geese, geese are with you too 🪿
Park Parkison: Thinking of you, James. ❤️
Emily Hutchinson: Thinking of you. Hoping for a peaceful move into hospice and whatever the future brings.
Dawn Gildenmeister: Thinking of you. We love you. 💗
Holly Kay: Love you so much! Big hugs.
Monica Bell: Sending love your way, and cat pictures ❤️
Sherri Lynn Singer: We are all thinking about you; we are with you.
Beverley Singer: Hugs my brave nephew!💕
Sarah Baggs: Love you, buddy.
Brennan Moline: Sending so much love to you. You are an amazing friend.
Katie Schaefer: Despite only knowing you through shared fandom FB groups, I am sending you all the love. I wish we could hang out in person to discuss the wonder that is Geese, how silly cats are, and debate about which squishmallow is the cutest. ♥️
Jack Cuellar: Love you, pal.
Joe Patrick: Sending love, James. I’m so happy that our paths crossed.
Aaron Lyttle: Love ya James
Jon Muggleton: Oh, man, I was just thinking about you. Love you, man, and hope this gets you some peace.
Julie Campbell: Hugs, my friend
Sarah Snider: I’m sorry, friend ❤️
Elysia Yardley: Sending you so much love right now, James. Zoey getting a kiss ♥️. I’m here if you need to talk
Katie Tremblay: We are thinking about you and sending so much love. 💜🩷
Gail Coulter Cyr: Hugs my friend/cousin, you have been a real warrior!!
Anthony Daley Di Poce: Thank you for sharing all of your adventures with us.
David Richman: I am so sorry.
Mica Richard: Love you James, thanks for the update
Alex Schroeder: We love you and thank you for everything
Ashleigh Latimer: Luv you ! If I can do anything let me know!!
Peter Tremblay: You've been a real inspiration Jimmy. We love you and think of you all the time. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
Lara Baker Whelan: I have so admired your candor and bravery as you shared your journey. I wish you peace and love on this next stage. Even though we never met in person, I know I will think of you always.
Kevin Q Gray: Love you James, thank you for sharing your journey, it has meant so much to many and continues to do so.
Charles Meier: See you on the other side
TeJay Wonch: Sending you love from Minnesota
Cindy Claussen: Wishing you all the comfort of these two snuggled together.
Laura Brzezinski: ❤ and 🫂 🤗 Will always be part of the "dream team" (Target). Lols. I hope you will be allowed to see your kitty in hospice. ❤ Sending you thoughts and geese maybe a few raccoons too
Ivy Clark: You are a witty and lovable person and I love hearing your perspective. ❤️
Sam Selby: Ah jeez. Sorry it's taken a bit of a turn. We love you 💖
Dayna Normand: I'm hanging out on my porch, with a cat that I don't own but I think you would enjoy him. Sending you all the positive vibes James
Domino Bay: I love you so much, James. I am so honored to have been able to be part of your life in our little internet circle.
Helen Herbst LaStar: Fuck. Sending love and my invisible dog. We wish you comfort.
Jeremy Simington: You're a graceful warrior, James. Peace, brother.
Rina Haenze: Garak and I send love (along with his blep).
Cecile Tremblay: Love you Jim, you'll always be my baby cousin. Xo
Malcolm Nygard: You are wonderful. Let me know if I can do anything, or if you ever want to talk.
Becca Simmons: Love you, friend. Tina sends slow blinks.
Kevin O'Leary: Knowing you, even if only online, is an enriching and wonderful experience. I hope the hospice transition is as smooth as ot can be
Melodie Younce: hugs ❤️
Lilly Hill: The beebs, almost as cool as you but not quite, hope the pain fucks off for the most part ❤️❤️
Lina John: Thinking of you James ❤️🙌🏾 sending you love and balcony pigeons
Jenny Maurer: Jesus ❤️
Beverley Singer: Love you James! I have travelled this way, along side of you. Let them rid you of this pain.
Kris Lin: Knowing you, even through silly internet posts is a joy. I hope you find peace and a release from the pain. Sending love ❤️
Heather Reller: Little Buddy says hello and hopes you feel ok soon!!
Margaret Miller: I have only known you through the flop house group and what you've written on your own page, and I want to thank you for all of it. It has felt like an honor to get to be a witness to your life and your dying. I will never forget you.
Juha Heikkilä: Love you. You are so so loved.
Sarah Hendricks: Thinking of you
Laurel Ivy: I wish things were different. Sending you good vibes, my friend. 🫂.
Katie Tremblay: So many touching messages. Wow - you are so loved. ❤
Jenny Lou Santoro: 🦆 Thinking of you .... hugs hugs hugs 🦃. I couldn’t find a goose. Hope a duck and a turkey work. 😻 and a cat of course!
Wendy D Hooving: ((~hugs~))
박선재: Hi James. I am your cousin John McKenna’s wife Sophia. We have never met, but I’ve heard about you. Sending our love and prayers to you❤️