Cancer Selfies

Oct 10, 2023

Trips & Treatment

This set of photos was taken over the past month.

I can't remember if I've said anything about the CT scan I got a few weeks ago, or the blood work I had done before I left for Bancroft, but that has happened, and it's time to see my oncologist. The appointment is tomorrow afternoon.

I don't have a good understanding of how people think I'm doing. I know I've been pretty vocal about how the surgical recovery has been going (very well, overall, but further gains are likely to be small, although its possible I don't yet know my capacity in some regards). But I have been less vocal (I think) about cancer symptoms.

I haven't been able to sleep through a night in weeks. I'll wake up, with my guts feeling like their solid, in the middle of the night. Sometimes water makes me have to use the bathroom with urgency. Sometimes it makes me throw up for a half an hour. Either way, sometimes I can get back to sleep, sometimes I doze until noon.

The list of things my dietician recommended I avoid a month or two ago has become largely mandatory. The small amount of coleslaw you get with fish and chips is usually fine, but salad or a helping of broccoli is a mistake. Fish never seems to be a problem, chicken is fine unless fried, and most red meat should be avoided. These rules must be followed exactly when far from home, or if I want to travel the next day, but can still be relaxed a bit if I'm staying in the Midland area.

The combination of chemotherapy and sleeplessness, at least, have left me extremely forgetful, clumsy and sluggish. I keep losing my keys. I've forgotten how to do basic computer stuff I've known for decades (or have tried to do it the Windows 95 way). I cannot focus on books, even though I got a fun adult book about dinosaurs from the library. My cooking abilities, long atrophied by years of deep depression, can't manage with my boring diet, tiny kitchenette and lack of energy to do dishes or other chores.

There are pains. Pains in places I especially don't want them, places that might indicate tumor growth (but probably not spread). But are they the sort that predate all this? I can't remember. I'll bring them up.

I'm extremely tired. I'm not particularly jazzed about continuing to do this. I've grown more and more convinced that the Bancroft trip is my post surgery peak, and that it's slow decline from here on. Those sort of thoughts are the way of madness, but the nature of the recovery and the disease means there will exist a peak or plateau.

Two weeks ago I was pretty certain I would not be restarting chemotherapy this time. The CT scan report only reinforces this conclusion. But the last few weeks have been rough, and I'm a lot less sure now.

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of some large plastic skulls A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a stone building with a plaque that reads "Designated Heritage Site, Ye Olde Jailhouse, Township of Bexley, 1890, Heritage Victoria"

One of the places that claims to be Canada's Smallest Jailhouse, Coboconk

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair happily stands in front of a wall made of active bee hive covered in clear plastic

Bees! Settler's Villiage, Bobcaygeon

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a the panel of an antique dairy truck (photographer has forgotten if its motorized or horse drawn) with Kawartha Dairy written on it

Antique dairy truck, Settler's Villiage, Bobcaygeon

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a a rock outcrop on the side of the road, he is pointing to a horizontal gap that has weathered into the rock. The lower rock is grey and has no visible layers and is metamorphic, the upper rock has horizontal layering and is sedimentary

The Unconformity, near Burleigh Falls

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a large Ontario Provincial Police emblem inside the OPP Museum wearing a stylaized Halloween (1978) t-shirt that reads "Get in Loser, We're Going Slashing", he is also wearing a clip on visitor's badge for the museum

The OPP Museum, Orillia

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a display board that reads "42. Couchiching", it is a sign for a lock station on a waterway

I've visited a lot of locks, and have so many more to go. This one has a restaurant with pretty good fish and chips

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a some marsh plants

At the marsh

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a green and white sign that reads "Parks Canada, Saint-Louis Mission, National Historic Site of Canada"1

A tiny tiny tiny little historic site in Tay Township, near Midland. This sign is most of the site, sadly

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a sculpture primarily made of wood with metal and other objects afixed to it, it has a face and is supposed to be reminiscent of a settler, it is taller than the man <figcaptionHuntsville sculpture forest A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a sculpture of a moose made of scrap metal pieces, several horseshoes and rail road spikes are able to be made out

Huntsville sculpture forest

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a concrete structure shaped like a large person made of balloons, there is a green coroded copper casting of a maple leaf on its upper left chest

Huntsville sculpture forest

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a forest waterfall

Hogg's Falls, Beaver Valley, near Thornbury

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a brick wall, which seperates him from a ravine with a high waterfall at one end, the scene takes place in an autumn forest in the sun

Eugenia Falls, Beaver Valley, near Thornbury

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a white pine branch, which partially obscures a rapids-waterfall, much Canadian shield is visible in the foreground, and it comprises the entirety of the waterfall

High Falls, Bracebridge

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a low waterfall with no crest, the Canadian shield rocks are identifyable as gneiss from the texture visible in the photo

Port Sidney Falls, Port Sidney

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a manually operated lift lock station, a picnic table is in the foreground

A lock! Huntsville

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of an outdoor mural of Tom Tompson's painting "Northern River"

Huntsville has a lot of beautiful mural reproductions of Tom Thomson and the Group of Seven's artwork. This is the one that I liked most as a photo with me in it (the painting is Northern River by Tom Thompson)

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of an outdoor mural of Tom Thompson's painting "The Jack Pine" on the side of a wooden building, he is estatic

The Jack Pine. Nearly a religious experience

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a window looking out on an urban forest

At the McMichael Canadian Art Collection

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a stone fireplace with a sign reading "Canoe Lake" on the mantle

At the McMichael Canadian Art Collection

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a sumac bush which has begun to turn red in the autumn, his moustache curls on the ends A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands on top of a pile of off white rocks, most are pop can size but larger boulders the size of curling stones also exist

You guys gotta believe me this is a really good rock pile, totally worth the 3 hour drive

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a wooden fence seperating him from a steep hill covered in autumn colours, hills stretch out to the horizon, some covered in green conifers, others the red and gold leaves of the season, a river snakes through the midground

Eagle's Nest Lookout, Bancroft

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair looks alarmed in front of a chain link fence and a sign that reads "No Trespassing, Trespassers will be Prosecuted"

I think I'm technically in the clear here

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands between rows of corn A man with short hair and bushy facial hair struggles to hold up a large, tall pumpkin roughly the size of his torso

Too heavy to carry

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits on the ground in front of a hay bale that has been decorated like a birthday cake, it has six candles made of pool noodles topped with autumn leaves arranged to look like fire A man with short hair and bushy facial hair pretends to struggle to hold back a large concrete sphere in front of a wooden farm fence

Giant Banting Sphere, Banting birthplace, Alliston

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in a pumpkin patch with a vine holding several small orange pumpkins around his neck A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits in his apartment, lights in the background imitate a nebula as captured by the Hubbel Space Telescope

From the comments

James Petrosky: When I started, I had many reasons to take my selfies, but I was pretty certain they weren't for me. I have no idea if they were then, I don't have access to that brain state. They're absolutely, in part, for me now

James Petrosky: I took a drive, ate a shawarma, almost ate some additional Taco Bell (the line was too long), had a nice drive until I met a raccoon, found a potential corn maze that's very close, and feel a bit better. It's hard to make yourself eat when your stomach is off, even when you know it'll make you feel better. And I need to try harder to get out of the apartment every day, even for a little walk, even if it's hard once the October storms come and it's always so rainy. None of these steps solve anything, but it isn't about solutions, it's a about comfort. For that reason, I'm happy to see my oncologist tomorrow. I get to do a trip to Barrie, I get to talk to people and be around people who, sadly, understand my situation. I get to go for pho after, which is damn near the perfect food for if you're chronically underhydrated like me.
I don't like chemotherapy, but I like trips and cats and people, so if it's time for it, then I look forward to quiet days laying in bed watching old noirs.

Sep 18, 2023

Sep 17, 2023

VLog: September 17th, 2023

Saint-Louis Mission National Historic Site is located in Tay Township, Ontario, just outside of Midland, Ontario. It consists of a monument, two plaques, and a small area of cut grass in a forest. Nearby is a monument to an early Anglican Church. I visited sites in Tiny and Springwater as well, but none had much worth talking about.

Sep 15, 2023

Sep 14, 2023

VLog: September 14th, 2023

Its another road trip day! I'm traveling through Severn Township today.

OPP Museum

I visited the Ontario Provincial Police Museum at the OPP Headquarters in Orillia, Ontario. I was unsure about making this stop, but it was free and only a few kilometers out of my way. You are visiting the HQ, so your information is logged into their systems and you must present photo ID. There was a sign encouraging you to take photos, but I didn't see it until my way out, so I have nothing from inside the museum to share.

Antiques on 11N

Antiques on 11 North is one of my regular junk store stops. Its weird going to them, because I used to leave with the exact sort of things I'm trying to get rid of now, but its still enjoyable

Swing Bridge Foundations, Highway 11 at Trent-Severn Waterway

This is the former site of a swing bridge. Its a prety spot to stop for a picnic, but Highway 11 makes it a bit loud.

Limestone Outcrop on Cambrian Road

I didn't record a video at Lock 42 Couchiching because I intended to record one at #43, but that didn't work out. This is either the Gull River formation (the same one as at Burleigh Falls) or the Bobcaygeon formation, both are limestone and both are exposed near this location.

Big Chute Marine Railway

I've returned to the Big Chute Marine Railway (#44) because Lock #43 Swift Rapids is reachable by water only. This is hinted at on the Trent-Severn Waterway webpage, but not explicitly stated. I had plans to continue to the final lock, #45 Port Severn, but the locks aren't operating anymore and the washrooms are closed, so its time to head home.

Sep 14, 2023

PICC and chemo anniversaries

Tomorrow is the anniversary of Cycle 1, Day 1 of chemotherapy. And I don't have a lot to say about it that I haven't said already. It's a horrible medicine, but it's what's keeping me alive and going on adventures. At this point, there's simply no me without it, and that's just a fact I have no choice but to accept, and that's fine.

Last year, late at night, after the PICC had been inserted (one year anniversary today), after I'd had my little walk down to the breakwater and gazed lovingly into the void where either Wasaga Beach should be, or where the sun just departed from, I returned home and took these two pictures. Pictures I did not intend to share. Pictures just for me, so I could track how the disease and the treatment were affecting my body.

Honestly, a year later, I expected a much, much, more dramatic change. Chemo is one of those drugs that really scales with your bodyweight, so I know for a fact, from the exact same calibrated scale, that I have varied by about a kilogram this whole time (2.2lbs). But the photos match the scale. The change is largely in the hair, not the body.

A man with long green hair stands sideways to the camera A man with long green hair faces the camera A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands sideways to the camera A man with short hair and bushy facial hair faces the camera

From the comments

James Petrosky: For clarity, the photos with green hair and the blue shirt are from 2022, roughly 12 hours before first chemo. The photos with the cool Michael Myers shirt are from 2023.

Sep 13, 2023

Sep 12, 2023

Precambrian-Ordovician Nonconformity outside Burleigh Falls, Ontario

Across Ontario there are several outcrops where you can see the precambrian-paleozoic nonconformity. One of these is approximately 3km West of Burleigh Falls, Ontario, on Peterborough Road 36.

A nonconformity is a missing part of the geological column where sedimentary rock was deposited on a crystalline igneous or metamorphic rocks. Here our igneous rocks are from the Grenville province of the Canadian Shield, and our middle Ordovician rocks are from the Gull River and Shadow Lake formations (part of the Simcoe group). The point of contact between these rocks represents approximately 550 million years of missing geological history, the Ordovician rocks are only 450 million years old.

I said I was going to give you coordinates for the site. After seeing it, and comparing it to what Google StreetView has from a few years ago, I'm not going to do that. Tourist erosion is a real problem in hobby geology. It shouldn't take long for anyone interested to locate the outcrop with this information. If you find yourself there, please respect those who will come after you, and please don't be a nuisance to the people who live nearby.

Sep 12, 2023

Sep 11, 2023

Sep 10, 2023

Sep 09, 2023

VLog: September 9st, 2023

I travel a route through central Ontario passing through Coboconk, Fenelon Falls, and Bobcaygeon to arrive at an rock outcrop near Burleigh Falls.

Part 1: Balm Beach

Part 2: Coboconk, Ontario

Part 3: Trent-Severn Waterway Lock #35: Rosedale

Part 4: Kawartha Settlers Village, Bobcaygeon, Ontario

Part 4: Trent-Severn Waterway Lock #28: Burleigh Falls

Sep 04, 2023

A Walk in Tiny Marsh

Join me as I walk the length of the main dyke at Tiny Marsh. We see sandhill cranes, great blue herons, swans, some ducks and geese and a whole lot of frogs.

The first half, we talk about the wildlife, the marsh, and stories I have about these creatures. On the way back, we talk about Meg 2: The Trench and other magnificently stupid movies.

This is shot with a head mounted camera, so the camera moves a lot and is shakier than is idea.

Sep 04, 2023

Sep 04, 2023

Mortality

I reflected on this on September 4, 2024

This is the anniversary of when I started this album. I'm not sure what I thought I was doing then, but eventually I found my comfort zone relating my experiences with the medical system - the administrative side and the treatment side. This was a comfortable place through chemotherapy, and honestly an exciting one for me to be in through surgery. But I've struggled a bit since then.

I thought it was just that surgical recovery was boring (and it is), but chemotherapy was the same two week cycle sixteen times, and I never felt this way about it. I still talk nonstop about my cancer, as any of you who know me in person, or are in the same Facevook groups, can attest. But I haven't been able to figure out this place.

I think the reason is that, in light of my failed surgery and prognosis, the only place it made sense for me to go was do the same kind of day by day thing, but instead of it being about getting the full cancer trearment experience at 35, it's about grappling with mortality at 36 and, statistically, dying at 37.

Mental health wise, I'm just coming down from a minor hypomanic episode and feel stable, bipolar wise. My lithium levels are good. If asked how I'm doing, I'd truthfully answer "good, given the circumstances," but I can't tell you if that means I'm doing good.

I'm not an actor, though, when you see a look of delight on my face, that's real. I do have an actual notebook with an actual list of neat stuff to do and I am actually crossing things off on all my little adventures. I'm getting out and experiencing the world. Probably doing way more than I ever would have if I remained otherwise healthy, too, which is a thought too terrifying to contemplate.

To end, because it's been haunting my dreams and hopefully sharing will help, if someone, someday, talks about my death bed conversion, know that they are a disgusting fiend who takes advantage of the vulnerable to glorify themselves. If disease progression or treatment leaves me vulnerable earlier than that, same logic applies. These people were never able to convince me so far, I doubt they'll come up with something compelling in the next few years. I doubt I'm interesting or notable enough to receive this treatment, but I know it happens, so I know I'm not 100% unreasonable in my fears.

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a rusty old truck, fields appear to be in the background

Outside Bala, Ontario, searching for its Bog Beast (visible in far background)

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits in a folding chair, smiing, with a hat with a goose on it A man with short hair and bushy facial hair lies in bed with a small hamster Squishmallow

When I bought it, I thought it was a cat, I now realize it's a hamster. My first pets were a pair of hamsters, who's claws terrified me so much I barely held them. And now I have a cat who walks up and bites me for unknown feline reasons, we change so much

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of the water, with the lights from a bar reflected, at sunset

At Balm Beach, arcade, store and restaurant visible as bright lights

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a drainage ditch on a dam, the water is murkey

Recording videos at the marsh

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands, the camera is angled so you can see his messanger bad with a blue shark and white goose plush attached

Goose friend!

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits in a Muskoka chair, side eyeing a Parks Canada beaver logo stamped on it

Suspect beaver (at Kirkfield lift lock)

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a steel door covered in grafiti

Mystery door, Collingwood

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of some fish sculptures bolted onto a wall, they're painted rainbow colours, one is painted in trans flag colours

Rainbow trout, Thornbury

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of an old wooden tressle bridge

Old historical rail bridge, Thornbury

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits at the Balm Beach waterfront

A cool evening, down by the bay

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in an antique store recreation of a 70s living room, a blond woman is sitting on the couch

Most antique shop booths are dragon's hoards of shiny things, thrown together. This one was a beautiful room (ft [Lilly]({tag}Lilly))

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in an antique store, a sholder hight creepy monkey statue is centred in the frame

Is he looking at me?

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair lays in bed looking tired with a long, curled moustach

State of the Moustache

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits in a computer chair holding a plastic skull

Memento mori

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits on a second floor patio overlooking a busy beach

At the restaurant in Balm Beach (I had what they called an Austin Cheese Steak, which i assume is a regular cheese steak with Texas grilling traditions. I have no idea, it was delicious though)

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a giant inflatable pizza shaped flotation device

I'm stoned in some of these pictures, but not this one, no matter how it looks.

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a poster for Meg 2: The Trench

10/10, only note is that I wanted more giant octopus

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits on a bench in a marsh looking contented and relaxed

I can tell the chemo really effected me because it's above 30C here, there's no shade for 2km, I've already been outside for half an hour, and I'm just comfortable.

From the comments

James Petrosky: 37 is an estimate. I don't want anyone who knows me well enough to start doing math on my birthday and panicking. 38 is probably a better estimate, but 37 fits the flow a lot better, and it's all statistics based on regular colon cancer anyways


James Petrosky: I want to dramatically say "from here on in its all about death" but honestly it's been that way for a while. You have no idea how happy the "thinking about death" joke in Barbie made me, because a) it was funny, and matched my mental state perfectly and b) gave me a lot of cover to joke about it all summer. So thank you, Uncontrollable Thoughts of Death Barbie, you're a life saver.


James Petrosky: Somewhat related to liars for Jesus are liars for other spiritual causes. Mediums, channelers, seyances, ghost hunters, it's all evidence free nonsense, and they do tremendous harm to people undergoing grief by giving them a false hope that can never, ever be realized. If there is somehow an afterlife that can communicate back to the living, I promise you I'll never, ever give these dangerous frauds the time of day. I can be a stubborn person, and this is the thing I'm most stubborn about, so you can be sure I'll hold to it.

Because we live in something approaching a techno dystopia, it's possible to train a large language model on someone's social media history to create a computer program that can write and speak like you can. Maybe there's not enough information available for me. Almost certianly I'm not important enough for this treatment. But if this is done, and it's done well enough to be convincing, the output program is also not me. It's just an actor, playing a role. The same as a spiritualist, they just learn their script from different sources.

Sep 03, 2023

Sep 02, 2023

Sep 01, 2023

Aug 31, 2023

Aug 30, 2023

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