Cancer Selfies

Oct 10, 2023

17:28

Trips & Treatment

This set of photos was taken over the past month.

I can't remember if I've said anything about the CT scan I got a few weeks ago, or the blood work I had done before I left for Bancroft, but that has happened, and it's time to see my oncologist. The appointment is tomorrow afternoon.

I don't have a good understanding of how people think I'm doing. I know I've been pretty vocal about how the surgical recovery has been going (very well, overall, but further gains are likely to be small, although its possible I don't yet know my capacity in some regards). But I have been less vocal (I think) about cancer symptoms.

I haven't been able to sleep through a night in weeks. I'll wake up, with my guts feeling like their solid, in the middle of the night. Sometimes water makes me have to use the bathroom with urgency. Sometimes it makes me throw up for a half an hour. Either way, sometimes I can get back to sleep, sometimes I doze until noon.

The list of things my dietician recommended I avoid a month or two ago has become largely mandatory. The small amount of coleslaw you get with fish and chips is usually fine, but salad or a helping of broccoli is a mistake. Fish never seems to be a problem, chicken is fine unless fried, and most red meat should be avoided. These rules must be followed exactly when far from home, or if I want to travel the next day, but can still be relaxed a bit if I'm staying in the Midland area.

The combination of chemotherapy and sleeplessness, at least, have left me extremely forgetful, clumsy and sluggish. I keep losing my keys. I've forgotten how to do basic computer stuff I've known for decades (or have tried to do it the Windows 95 way). I cannot focus on books, even though I got a fun adult book about dinosaurs from the library. My cooking abilities, long atrophied by years of deep depression, can't manage with my boring diet, tiny kitchenette and lack of energy to do dishes or other chores.

There are pains. Pains in places I especially don't want them, places that might indicate tumor growth (but probably not spread). But are they the sort that predate all this? I can't remember. I'll bring them up.

I'm extremely tired. I'm not particularly jazzed about continuing to do this. I've grown more and more convinced that the Bancroft trip is my post surgery peak, and that it's slow decline from here on. Those sort of thoughts are the way of madness, but the nature of the recovery and the disease means there will exist a peak or plateau.

Two weeks ago I was pretty certain I would not be restarting chemotherapy this time. The CT scan report only reinforces this conclusion. But the last few weeks have been rough, and I'm a lot less sure now.

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of some large plastic skulls A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a stone building with a plaque that reads "Designated Heritage Site, Ye Olde Jailhouse, Township of Bexley, 1890, Heritage Victoria"

One of the places that claims to be Canada's Smallest Jailhouse, Coboconk

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair happily stands in front of a wall made of active bee hive covered in clear plastic

Bees! Settler's Villiage, Bobcaygeon

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a the panel of an antique dairy truck (photographer has forgotten if its motorized or horse drawn) with Kawartha Dairy written on it

Antique dairy truck, Settler's Villiage, Bobcaygeon

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a a rock outcrop on the side of the road, he is pointing to a horizontal gap that has weathered into the rock. The lower rock is grey and has no visible layers and is metamorphic, the upper rock has horizontal layering and is sedimentary

The Unconformity, near Burleigh Falls

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a large Ontario Provincial Police emblem inside the OPP Museum wearing a stylaized Halloween (1978) t-shirt that reads "Get in Loser, We're Going Slashing", he is also wearing a clip on visitor's badge for the museum

The OPP Museum, Orillia

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a display board that reads "42. Couchiching", it is a sign for a lock station on a waterway

I've visited a lot of locks, and have so many more to go. This one has a restaurant with pretty good fish and chips

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a some marsh plants

At the marsh

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a green and white sign that reads "Parks Canada, Saint-Louis Mission, National Historic Site of Canada"1

A tiny tiny tiny little historic site in Tay Township, near Midland. This sign is most of the site, sadly

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a sculpture primarily made of wood with metal and other objects afixed to it, it has a face and is supposed to be reminiscent of a settler, it is taller than the man <figcaptionHuntsville sculpture forest A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a sculpture of a moose made of scrap metal pieces, several horseshoes and rail road spikes are able to be made out

Huntsville sculpture forest

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a concrete structure shaped like a large person made of balloons, there is a green coroded copper casting of a maple leaf on its upper left chest

Huntsville sculpture forest

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a forest waterfall

Hogg's Falls, Beaver Valley, near Thornbury

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a brick wall, which seperates him from a ravine with a high waterfall at one end, the scene takes place in an autumn forest in the sun

Eugenia Falls, Beaver Valley, near Thornbury

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a white pine branch, which partially obscures a rapids-waterfall, much Canadian shield is visible in the foreground, and it comprises the entirety of the waterfall

High Falls, Bracebridge

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a low waterfall with no crest, the Canadian shield rocks are identifyable as gneiss from the texture visible in the photo

Port Sidney Falls, Port Sidney

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a manually operated lift lock station, a picnic table is in the foreground

A lock! Huntsville

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of an outdoor mural of Tom Tompson's painting "Northern River"

Huntsville has a lot of beautiful mural reproductions of Tom Thomson and the Group of Seven's artwork. This is the one that I liked most as a photo with me in it (the painting is Northern River by Tom Thompson)

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of an outdoor mural of Tom Thompson's painting "The Jack Pine" on the side of a wooden building, he is estatic

The Jack Pine. Nearly a religious experience

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a window looking out on an urban forest

At the McMichael Canadian Art Collection

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a stone fireplace with a sign reading "Canoe Lake" on the mantle

At the McMichael Canadian Art Collection

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a sumac bush which has begun to turn red in the autumn, his moustache curls on the ends A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands on top of a pile of off white rocks, most are pop can size but larger boulders the size of curling stones also exist

You guys gotta believe me this is a really good rock pile, totally worth the 3 hour drive

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a wooden fence seperating him from a steep hill covered in autumn colours, hills stretch out to the horizon, some covered in green conifers, others the red and gold leaves of the season, a river snakes through the midground

Eagle's Nest Lookout, Bancroft

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair looks alarmed in front of a chain link fence and a sign that reads "No Trespassing, Trespassers will be Prosecuted"

I think I'm technically in the clear here

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands between rows of corn A man with short hair and bushy facial hair struggles to hold up a large, tall pumpkin roughly the size of his torso

Too heavy to carry

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits on the ground in front of a hay bale that has been decorated like a birthday cake, it has six candles made of pool noodles topped with autumn leaves arranged to look like fire A man with short hair and bushy facial hair pretends to struggle to hold back a large concrete sphere in front of a wooden farm fence

Giant Banting Sphere, Banting birthplace, Alliston

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in a pumpkin patch with a vine holding several small orange pumpkins around his neck A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits in his apartment, lights in the background imitate a nebula as captured by the Hubbel Space Telescope

From the comments

James Petrosky: When I started, I had many reasons to take my selfies, but I was pretty certain they weren't for me. I have no idea if they were then, I don't have access to that brain state. They're absolutely, in part, for me now

James Petrosky: I took a drive, ate a shawarma, almost ate some additional Taco Bell (the line was too long), had a nice drive until I met a raccoon, found a potential corn maze that's very close, and feel a bit better. It's hard to make yourself eat when your stomach is off, even when you know it'll make you feel better. And I need to try harder to get out of the apartment every day, even for a little walk, even if it's hard once the October storms come and it's always so rainy. None of these steps solve anything, but it isn't about solutions, it's a about comfort. For that reason, I'm happy to see my oncologist tomorrow. I get to do a trip to Barrie, I get to talk to people and be around people who, sadly, understand my situation. I get to go for pho after, which is damn near the perfect food for if you're chronically underhydrated like me.
I don't like chemotherapy, but I like trips and cats and people, so if it's time for it, then I look forward to quiet days laying in bed watching old noirs.

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Sep 04, 2023

20:55

Mortality

I reflected on this on September 4, 2024

This is the anniversary of when I started this album. I'm not sure what I thought I was doing then, but eventually I found my comfort zone relating my experiences with the medical system - the administrative side and the treatment side. This was a comfortable place through chemotherapy, and honestly an exciting one for me to be in through surgery. But I've struggled a bit since then.

I thought it was just that surgical recovery was boring (and it is), but chemotherapy was the same two week cycle sixteen times, and I never felt this way about it. I still talk nonstop about my cancer, as any of you who know me in person, or are in the same Facevook groups, can attest. But I haven't been able to figure out this place.

I think the reason is that, in light of my failed surgery and prognosis, the only place it made sense for me to go was do the same kind of day by day thing, but instead of it being about getting the full cancer trearment experience at 35, it's about grappling with mortality at 36 and, statistically, dying at 37.

Mental health wise, I'm just coming down from a minor hypomanic episode and feel stable, bipolar wise. My lithium levels are good. If asked how I'm doing, I'd truthfully answer "good, given the circumstances," but I can't tell you if that means I'm doing good.

I'm not an actor, though, when you see a look of delight on my face, that's real. I do have an actual notebook with an actual list of neat stuff to do and I am actually crossing things off on all my little adventures. I'm getting out and experiencing the world. Probably doing way more than I ever would have if I remained otherwise healthy, too, which is a thought too terrifying to contemplate.

To end, because it's been haunting my dreams and hopefully sharing will help, if someone, someday, talks about my death bed conversion, know that they are a disgusting fiend who takes advantage of the vulnerable to glorify themselves. If disease progression or treatment leaves me vulnerable earlier than that, same logic applies. These people were never able to convince me so far, I doubt they'll come up with something compelling in the next few years. I doubt I'm interesting or notable enough to receive this treatment, but I know it happens, so I know I'm not 100% unreasonable in my fears.

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a rusty old truck, fields appear to be in the background

Outside Bala, Ontario, searching for its Bog Beast (visible in far background)

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits in a folding chair, smiing, with a hat with a goose on it A man with short hair and bushy facial hair lies in bed with a small hamster Squishmallow

When I bought it, I thought it was a cat, I now realize it's a hamster. My first pets were a pair of hamsters, who's claws terrified me so much I barely held them. And now I have a cat who walks up and bites me for unknown feline reasons, we change so much

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of the water, with the lights from a bar reflected, at sunset

At Balm Beach, arcade, store and restaurant visible as bright lights

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a drainage ditch on a dam, the water is murkey

Recording videos at the marsh

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands, the camera is angled so you can see his messanger bad with a blue shark and white goose plush attached

Goose friend!

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits in a Muskoka chair, side eyeing a Parks Canada beaver logo stamped on it

Suspect beaver (at Kirkfield lift lock)

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a steel door covered in grafiti

Mystery door, Collingwood

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of some fish sculptures bolted onto a wall, they're painted rainbow colours, one is painted in trans flag colours

Rainbow trout, Thornbury

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of an old wooden tressle bridge

Old historical rail bridge, Thornbury

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits at the Balm Beach waterfront

A cool evening, down by the bay

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in an antique store recreation of a 70s living room, a blond woman is sitting on the couch

Most antique shop booths are dragon's hoards of shiny things, thrown together. This one was a beautiful room (ft [Lilly]({tag}Lilly))

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in an antique store, a sholder hight creepy monkey statue is centred in the frame

Is he looking at me?

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair lays in bed looking tired with a long, curled moustach

State of the Moustache

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits in a computer chair holding a plastic skull

Memento mori

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits on a second floor patio overlooking a busy beach

At the restaurant in Balm Beach (I had what they called an Austin Cheese Steak, which i assume is a regular cheese steak with Texas grilling traditions. I have no idea, it was delicious though)

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a giant inflatable pizza shaped flotation device

I'm stoned in some of these pictures, but not this one, no matter how it looks.

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair stands in front of a poster for Meg 2: The Trench

10/10, only note is that I wanted more giant octopus

A man with short hair and bushy facial hair sits on a bench in a marsh looking contented and relaxed

I can tell the chemo really effected me because it's above 30C here, there's no shade for 2km, I've already been outside for half an hour, and I'm just comfortable.

From the comments

James Petrosky: 37 is an estimate. I don't want anyone who knows me well enough to start doing math on my birthday and panicking. 38 is probably a better estimate, but 37 fits the flow a lot better, and it's all statistics based on regular colon cancer anyways

James Petrosky: I want to dramatically say "from here on in its all about death" but honestly it's been that way for a while. You have no idea how happy the "thinking about death" joke in Barbie made me, because a) it was funny, and matched my mental state perfectly and b) gave me a lot of cover to joke about it all summer. So thank you, Uncontrollable Thoughts of Death Barbie, you're a life saver.

James Petrosky: Somewhat related to liars for Jesus are liars for other spiritual causes. Mediums, channelers, seyances, ghost hunters, it's all evidence free nonsense, and they do tremendous harm to people undergoing grief by giving them a false hope that can never, ever be realized. If there is somehow an afterlife that can communicate back to the living, I promise you I'll never, ever give these dangerous frauds the time of day. I can be a stubborn person, and this is the thing I'm most stubborn about, so you can be sure I'll hold to it.

Because we live in something approaching a techno dystopia, it's possible to train a large language model on someone's social media history to create a computer program that can write and speak like you can. Maybe there's not enough information available for me. Almost certianly I'm not important enough for this treatment. But if this is done, and it's done well enough to be convincing, the output program is also not me. It's just an actor, playing a role. The same as a spiritualist, they just learn their script from different sources.

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Sep 03, 2022

21:00