<! --I reflected on this on September 1, 2023 -->
Given that there are fewer than 24 hours until I meet my oncologist, I'm going to go back to the CUTE ANIMAL PHOTOS well because holy fuck I have an anxiety disorder and I didn't understand anxiety could be so bad
The comments comtain dozens of posts featuring people's pets and wild animals
Insurance forms are wild. "List the symptoms of your illness that prevent you from working. List which job tasks you can still preform" weren't you listening when I wrote one of the worst four word phrases possible in the English language? And you want to know if I'll still be able to bend conduit while hooked up to an IV.
Fuck these ghouls.
James Petrosky: Those words are "Cancer that has spread", although that phrasing only makes sense on a form. The real life equivalent is "you have cancer, and it has already spread" and I don't wish that statement on anyone, whoever wrote this form should really consider that someone who's going to fill it out did and not be the worst cog in the machine about it.
This was written on September 4th, 2022
With the oncologist appointment Friday, this week has taken a profoundly weird turn. I want it all to be secret, to pretend it isn't real, but the pain is getting to a point that I can't even move normally, require naps to get through the day.
Work friends who found out this past week, I'm sorry, I almost said something several times every day I came in this week. But shooting the shit like everything was normal felt so good, and I needed that feeling for as long as I could have it. I don't like to have lied, but it couldn't have been otherwise.
I reflected on this on August 30, 2023
Good news! I have appointments with two different oncologists!
Bad news! I have appointments with two different oncologists.
Ron: Because two different cancers or...
I wanted to say it's good to talk to different professionals about something this important but then it occurred to me.
James Petrosky: Ron two different treatment styles, I think. My understanding, the first is a traditional surgery and chemo option, the second is a more aggressive hybrid approach. The first is at a regional hospital and the second is one of the major hospitals in Toronto
Ron: James Petrosky Given the unfortunate delay in your diagnosis I suppose aggressive might be called for, but honestly cancer scares me enough that I definitely just reflexively equate aggressive with good when it comes to dealing with it. I'd nuke it from orbit if I could
James Petrosky: Ron Bedison I'm fortunate that otherwise my health is still fairly good, so going off absolutely no information I'd also opt for the more aggressive treatment. But more than anything else I'm so in the dark and I just want information.
This was written on September 4th, 2022
I think I look sad here, and I have many reasons to, but I don't remember why specifically. I think it's the laundromat, and I've just gotten off the phone with a nurse at the Barrie Regional Cancer Center. I've said multiple times that the currency of this past month has been normalcy, and few things ruin your sense of normal like that sort of phone call.
This was written on September 4th, 2022
Nothing special going on, excited to meet my oncologist, have given the short term disability forms to my primary care physician, have yet to fill them out myself. I know the information barrier I've put in place for work is breaking, and that it can't hold, but that I just have to hold on for a couple more weeks.
This was written on September 4th, 2022
Post solo trip, celebrating with my new friend Nessie, plus also Chip and of course Thomasin. It was a simple, but perfect, day ❤️
This was written on September 4th, 2022
Saturday after colonoscopy. I'd told my boss the previous week, and HR earlier this one, so the strong separation I had between work and everything else was breaking down. I had promised myself that I could get one (1) Squishmellow friend per procedure so I was excited that I was going to get one today. This was going to be my first solo trip since before I got Covid-19 (and before this nightmare started) that I was looking forward to. It was a great day ❤️
"Do you want a gift receipt"
"No I am an adult and me and my new friend Nessie are going home to watch monster movies together"
James Petrosky: Things you wish you said after the situation is over.
James Petrosky: We are going to take T3s and watch monster movies, though. Obviously Chip and Thomasin will be there, too.
James Petrosky: I wasn't sure this was the right one in the store, but turning around and seeing her smiling face tells me it was.
James Petrosky: My deal with myself is that every major cancer milestone I get to add something silly and cute to my plush collection. Today it was almost a giant Bulbasaur, but Nessie was a lot softer
Good news! I have something for the abdominal pain now.
Good news! It works really well!
Bad news! I have about the same tolerance for T3s as I do for everything else, so that's fun.
James Petrosky: This would be fine if they were for home, but less so for driving and work (especially because the position I'm physically in for driving is really bad for pain.)
James Petrosky: It's great to feel at home in my body for the first time in a year, but the cost is a little bit more of the normal I'm coming to miss more and more every day.
James Petrosky: I've wanted to make posts about "the thing they don't tell you about cancer is" with a thousand little adjustments (buying a new large bottle of extra strength Tylenol every trip to the grocery store, when normally one a year was a lot) but the reality is that you really cling to everything that still feels normal, knowing that many of them have a time limit (the big one for me is work, I think I probably have 2-4 weeks before I go on leave, and I'm not ready to recon with that yet). Today I learned that my reaction to T3s means that I have to give up forklift driving and height work or be risk fairly severe pain. That is a lot of normal lost, and a lot of either lying about why or filling people in on the situation.
What they don't tell you is that normal is the currency you pay along the road to treatment.
And every time you make a payment, the part of your brain you can take a mental break from it in shrinks. Until all that's left is existential terror and exhaustion, from the disease and from the side effects.
That's pretty fucking bleak, I'm not feeling that trash tonight. I have felt that trash, I drove 6 hours alone in pain knowing every second of the trip that the reward I was looking forward to was breaking my parents' hearts with this fucking news. Nothing will ever feel like that.
I'm alright tonight. A little bit high on T3s. Watching math videos and playing with my stupid electronic toy instruments. If I was healthy right now, I'd be doing exactly the same (except it would be cannibis)
Oversharing warning!
.
.
.
Whoda thought that the worst part about the colonoscopy (well, so far, material was sent out for further testing) would be that my sinuses are all plugged and painful
Ron: Not me, but my sinuses aren't particularly prone to blockage like some of my family members. Air mask related or a reaction to the anesthesia?
James Petrosky: Ron I'm told I removed the mask, so I don't know. The side I was laying on is a lot worse, and because of the cancer pain I haven't been able to sleep on my side in over a year so I have no idea.
Never been under anesthetic before, either
Ron: James Petrosky Ugh, yeah, my sinuses are sensitive enough that I do need to flip over from time to time. Sorry. General anesthesia is really deceptive. It's like being drunk without any sense of being that way. I'm told I'm hilarious when going under or coming out of it.
James Petrosky: Ron I think I just have to get used to it (a anesthesia) because I think even the best case scenario has a lot of it coming up 😛
Which, to be clear, being it the fuck on
James Petrosky: A few more hours on and the regular cancer pain is once again the worst discomfort I'm dealing with minute to minute. Which genuinely sounds a lot more dire than I mean it to, I'm not being negative or defeatist, I promise. This is just what it sounds like when a sick engineer talks about their illness. (I checked with my friends from engineering school and we all agreed about this)
I meet with an oncologist next Friday
James Petrosky: I love all the reacts, but I'm very excited. I'm also upset at Zucc for taking the good backgrounds away and durining my character into a weird stress ball texture.
It was hard enough to give a fuck at work before, why do I expect myself to do this?*
*I'm doing it to pretend things are normal in a way that isn't dangerous for as long as I can but holy fuck
Jon Muggleton: Right with you, buddy. I may not be exactly where you're at, but I've felt the same way since I came back.
Gena Radcliffe: Yeah, I get this.
Anthony Daley Di Poce: I absolutely love your ability to do this. I thank Ra that I work at home with my wife. I would spill the beans day one if I still worked in the office. I am shit at hiding anything.
Anthony Daley Di Poce: Love, respect, and admire. James Petrosky: Anthony Daley Di Poce okay but what do you think of the internal manic chaos bisexual in me's plan to reveal it by dying my hair purple and then, when asked why I did it, saying that I'm starting chemo soon and I wanted to try while I could? Anthony Daley Di Poce*: James Petrosky (emperor voice) "Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen."
This was written on September 4th, 2022
Nearly midnight, almost forgot today, which would have been the end of the project. They're bad, but they exist, which is what matters.
This was written on September 4th, 2022
Today I consciously decided to try and take more photos of myself, after decades of doing my best to not be in anything. I'm not good at it, but I'm trying.
I reflected on this on August 21, 2023
This was written on September 4th, 2022
Back at home after Barrie trip, at the Balm Beach breakwater. Look, I'm 35, I know I'm bad at selfies, and I would normally only share the really good ones. But that isn't what this album is about.
I adopted a new friend
This was written on September 4th, 2022
Did some shopping in Barrie with a friend, ended up with some neat t-shirts and Chip, my first Squishmellow (the beaver) because Thomasin can be cuddly, but cannot be counted on to be cuddly at all times.
Coke Dreamworld Zero tastes like someone mixed regular Coke and Inca Kola, but with an unpleasant artificial sweetener taste. Here's hoping I can find regular to give it a go
James Petrosky: I encourage everyone to try Inca Kola if they can find it, it's a touch too sweet but deliciously citrusy and refreshing
Lina: Yeah, love Inca cola. Reminds me of this soft drink we had in Venezuela called Frescolita, it was red and like 100% sugar lol
James Petrosky: Lina I need to find a South American grocer somewhere and hope they have these pops
Gillian: The Dreamworld Coke tasted like they just mixed the leftover flavors from their other drinks and tossed them into regular Coke.
James Petrosky: Gillian honestly that sounds like my jam
Carolyn: James Petrosky you should definitely visit the Coca Cola museum then!
James Petrosky: Carolyn where is that?
Carolyn: James Petrosky Atlanta, Georgia, USA- they have a “tasting room” with all the flavors from around the world and some are gnarly
James Petrosky: Carolyn it's on the remission list
Ryan: It tasted like mango and a hint of guava to me. I like Inca Kola, but I wish they had a less caloric version in my town.
Tu: I thought it tasted like peaches! And I’ve occasionally found Inka Cola in the “Latin foods” section of large grocery stores. I always thought it tasted like bubblegum!
James Petrosky: Tu the parts I'm from don't have good Latin sections, unfortunately
James Petrosky: Not going to lie, didn't particularly enjoy regular variety. But I did find some Coke Quebec Maple and that was very nice
Pro: I found a store that sells grey market American Vanilla Coke (no French on the label, inscrutable units)
Con: Covid-19 has decided I can't taste vanilla today
I also cleared out all the stores I could think of of Starlight, as a treat to myself when I do good at an appointment.