Last week I noticed that my hair was thinning noticeably. Today I noticed that my facial hair is following the same pattern. But I was able to be the most physically active I've been in nearly a year today. I was limited by dinner time, not nap time, for the first time since at least the spring. The side effects are difficult, and even though it can never be a cure, the treatment works, and it's worth all the hair loss.
Haunted mirror
Back at the marsh
Sweater bear sweater is the best sweater
I like scarves normally, but they've become a lifesaver to me now. They're the easiest layer to remove or replace, and are much easier to carry than a sweater or coat. They've become an item I always have around rather than one I wear December-February
Autumn colours
This was supposed to better feature that exploded cattail over my shoulder
The sky menace with spikes of cloud
From the comments
James Petrosky: The cattail, in its fluffy magnificence
Its Thanksgiving weekend in Canada, and we're having our turkey dinner tonight. We rarely have it on Monday, the day Thanksgiving actually falls, because you have more non work days to eat delicious leftovers. This time, it's not work, but the start of Cycle 3 on Thursday, that motivates celebrating early.
To my Canadian friends, I hope you have the Thanksgiving you dream of.
To my non Canadian friends, have a wonderful weekend.
Dawn, down at the beach
It's cold down at the (other, larger) beach
My goof poodle ❤️
My poodle pals
From the comments
James Petrosky: Another of the poodles on their own
James Petrosky: The menacing October sky of Lake Huron
James Petrosky: Thanksgiving dinner round these parts (this little cottage, specifically, and not necessarily anywhere else) is a roasted turkey served with fresh (never canned, canned was served at a family gathering once years ago and that faux pas is still talked about), mashed potatos, dressing (no stuffing is served), gravy, boiled turnip and steamed green beans. Peas often replace the beans, but we found some fresh ones this week.
Unfortunately neither of my brothers, nor my partner, could make it. But we do the best with who we have (namely, my parents and the poodles)
James Petrosky: In case you were wondering what we watch on tv during and after dinner, is the United States National Park Service Alaskan bear cam and a collection of webcams in Siberia.
Today is the first properly cool day yet, we've had a some chilly mornings, but days have made it to the double digits. Not so today. Today I learned I'm going to need to get used to wearing a lot more sweaters than I've ever had to before.
I'm choosing to take this as an opportunity rather than a setback, because sweaters are quite nice and I adore cardigans.
You know those days that feel like overwhelming victories because they went fine rather than catastrophic? I'd file today with those days.
The news is generally good. Mt. Sinai has similar procedures as Royal Victoria does. My case will be presented to the surgical oncology team, who will decide if and when surgery may take place. Typically there are two rounds of chemo (each of six two week blocks, for six months total) before you become a candidate for the surgery.
The garden is starting to look spoopy (also today's hospital fashion)
Somehow I forgot to get one with a hospital sign, but here I am, terrified out of my mind waiting jn a hospital room in a strange city.
Tomorrow I meet the second oncology team. I cannot possibly express how anxious I am. If I am accepted for surgery (which i won't find out tomorrow) and if it goes exceedingly well, I could be free and have an almost normal life. But that's a lot of ifs. And I'm terrified that I'm not going to be a good candidate. And everything that entails. But I'm trying to stay hopeful, and if absolutely nothing else I'll know a lot more tomorrow by this time.
(What I don't need or want is any false assurances right now. I don't need to be told to stay positive, my moods are stable and toxic positivity is as dangerous as negativity. The best way to show support for me over the next day is with photos of adorable or delightful things and creatures. Please respect my wishes in this, but also please don't come down on anyone who doesn't see all this right away or interprets it differently. I'm an adult and I'll engage as I feel the need to. I love you all)
Bessie didn't care for my new selfie stick
Autumn is the dunes of Wasaga is something else
More dunes
I found a quiet spot for a quick sit down
From the comments
James Petrosky: I edited the one photo I said I wasn't going to and now I really like it so I'll just shove it here
Immediately noticeable side effects were pretty easy this time. I've learned how to properly take my side effect medicine, especially the one for nausea. My energy levels are back near where they were on last day 14.
But it was a bad weekend for my hair. After carefully brushing out a mat that developed over the weekend (probably started earlier, I've been really scared to touch it at all) I lost half a sink full. I knew this was coming.
Today I speak for the trees
I didn't intend for this plant to be in frame, but I'm going to try again sometime.
Waiting for my Catbus
No geese, few ducks, two swans.
I overdid it, I should have done the 2km walk, not the 3.5km one. I've just realized my mistake, but I already passed half way, so I have to keep going.
The giant blade of grass at the middle left ruined a bunch or the great photos because it is a cruel abstraction
I moved the Squishmallows to their hammocks and Thomasin is instantly happy to have her fifth favourite napping spot back. She immediately came for a snuggle and even let take this photo
Tomorrow starts Cycle 2. There will likely be six cycles, then some more testing, and then we'll know how well all of this is working.
I'm feeling a lot more calm and comfortable this time. I've got a good idea what's coming (three days of barely getting out of bed, one or two more feeling pretty rough), but I know I can expect the rest of the cycle to bring some energy and a lot more joy than I've been used to the previous couple of months.
I love the fall clouds over Georgian Bay
The tree is pretty neat, but you should have seen the fossil coral on the rock I used as a support for the camera (I forgot to get a photo sorry)
Can you tell which way the wind blows by the pines?
A short and not comprehensive list of songs I've had to remove from my playlists since being diagnosed with cancer:
Kettering by The Antlers
Easy/Lucky/Fred by Bright Eyes
There are certainly others, but these found themselves removed today.
I want to reiterate how wonderful you've all been, how much your kind words and Facevook reactions mean to me. You all mean so much to me, thank you all so much for existing ❤️
From the comments
Mica: Have you seen the anime short of the little girl who gets turned into a gengar? So cute
I haven't felt this good in months. My pain levels, while still much higher than my pre cancer baseline, haven't been this good in months. I have energy, apatite, drive. Chores are caught up, projects are being done, hobbies being perused. But there's so much to do before Cycle 2 starts Thursday.
Laundromat selfies are practically a requirement now
Its fucking wimdy
From the comments
David: So you can do this ?
James Petrosky: David I'm going to keep going for sure. It's not a war or a battle, it's a seige. I'll hold as long as I can.
James Petrosky: I saw my poodle pal today ❤️
It was almost too dark for her goofy face
Cycle one is drawing to a close and I have A Lot of appointments this week. And I know I'll be bedridden for the first five days of cycle two at least, so there's a lot to do. But for now, I keep busy, I work on projects, I find water birds in new and exciting places. It's not the life I expected, but I'll still make it mine.
Public art in downtown Midland, Ontario
Honestly I think I like loons more than geese, they're a magnificent and haunting bird, geese are just what we deserve. Also, I absolutely love geese as much as I say I do. My love for loons is passionate, but silent.
A nice thing about being a trades person is having excellent practical outer wear. Balm Beach has no street lights, but I was extremely visible (dancing badly to Firework, no less) and completely dry.
This cycle is now more than half over. I'm looking forward to my next visit to the chemo lounge with some trepidation, knowing now what it's going to bring, but also with the knowledge that I do physically feel a lot more well with treatment than without. My quality of life has not been better in months.
However, I have to visit the hospital Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday for consultations, bloodwork, treatment, and other care. Being sick is exhausting, but beautiful fall days (that I forgot to document) like today make the whole mess so very worth it
I gained a new skill!
I gained two new skills!
From the comments
James Petrosky: Also I think I have a problem
James Petrosky: I'm not great yet, but I have lots of time to practice
The PICC line goes directly from your forearm, usually non dominant, to your heart, following large veins. This makes it a extremely dangerous potential route for infection to easily and directly reach your heart, with consequences as dire as you'd like to imagine.
I have two red lines that, if crossed, I'm told I must immediately go to the ER for emergency intervention. They are above 38 for an hour, or above 38.3 at any point. When I'm running any sort of fever (for me, I've set my cutoff at 37, because I rarely stray beyond 36.5), I'm to take no medications that lower a fever.
All my painkillers are Tylenol based. They all lower a fever. So I'm also in a lot of cancer pain, with a cold style headache on top of it.
Long preamble to say that this morning I had a fever that peaked at 37.8. I didn't panic, but I did have a very tense couple of hours. Yesterday, I got my 2nd Covid-19 booster (hurray bivalent vaccine), which was almost certainly the cause of this. But I also had my PICC dressing changed, and the nurse was extremely careful, but who's to say I didn't get an infection (well, I am, now, but at 5AM that was not clear).
The tldr of it is everything about cancer treatment, or any treatment, is a trade off of risks and benefits. The PICC is a tremendous risk, but also a fantastic benefit. I was not ready for the level of responsibility I have to take for my own body during this. But it's a wild and fascinating ride
My face when my temperature went up for the 3rd consecutive hour (probably 37.6 here, I jumped into go mode when I got 37.😎
Relief after reading 37.4 (also exhaustion)
From the comments
James Petrosky: To be clear, I'm in no danger. I never was actually in any danger. And if the situation had turned, I had everything ready to go to address the situation before it turned truly dangerous.
My partner and I have talked through all this stuff with the oncologist and nurses. We're not expects by any means, but we're informed and empowered and ready to act when needed. ❤️
Also, the side effects were much more minor for me this time. I got a proper fever all the other times, and were I healthy and working I'd probably have gone in today without even noticing it. So yeah, bivalent vaccine: 👍👍
Thomasin is a cute criminal (but very much a criminal)
Thomasin is surprisingly good on a harness ❤️
You should imagine me, driving down Balm Beach Road (short bit of highway between two towns, 80 limit), windows down, singing along with Karen Carpenter to Superstar, because I was on Balm Beach Road four times today and it happened each time (add karaoke to the remission list)
I love carving pumpkins, but I love eating pumpkin seeds even more (a project for tomorrow)
I love garlic bread as much as I love pumpkin seeds
Get your fucking booster, it's one of the things anyone can do that takes no effort that makes my life, and the life of all immunocompromised people, a little easier (it also helps you ❤️) (Ontarians of all ages can get the bivalent vaccine starting the 26th) I got mine today because I'm immunocompromised now and we qualify early
That's all, friends have a great night ❤️ (and maybe to listen to Superstar, if only to sing along to the chorus)
Addendum:
Sweet Chilli Heat Doritos remain the best instantaneous cure for nausea available commercially, which honestly makes no sense but has been true since at least 2007
The pizza criminal is caught!
A cute criminal
My seed haul
Honk!
Shocked Pikachu (by accident)
2x shocked Pikachu (on purpose)
Who's that alarmingly red character?
It was supposed to be a cat, I'm never using a paper stencil again
Garlic bread
Garlic bread ❤️
❤️❤️❤️
From the comments
MA PUNKINS
Honk! (I love this one so much)
😮
More demon than cat, but either way the dark redeams it
Even when you're sick with a potentially terminal illness, some days are just days. I did hobbies today. I played video games. I listened to podcasts without skipping around to only get light subject matter. I got some okay chip truck fries and baked them in a convection oven twice to make excellent chip truxk fries. I fired up my 3D printer for the first time since I was in trade school to make a joke at my own expense. I finally, one year later, finished modifying a Value Village tripod and took not great (but lots of fun) night photos.
Some days are just normal. They're rare. I treasure them.
"UNDERSTATEMENT Gold Medal" (actually made of yellow PLA) in commemoration of me giving cancer a 0/10 rating
I didn't take many photos, so you get this one of me figuring out how long it records
My hair is extremely bush here
I love this photo ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I'm a ghoooost (I misjudged the time again but also there was a car)
From the comments
James Petrosky: This is from 2020 but the GoPro software is hinky and uploaded it again and it's a really good photo of Thomasin and I so why not share it again ❤️
On day 5 I finally felt good enough to actually do stuff. It's wild to walk out of Canadian Tire and feel "yes, that was a pleasant trip that I both needed to take and did not make me feel upset in any way".
My apartment has never had a number on it, which has suited my desire for privacy, but not being monstrous to home care nurses ranks pretty high on my list of desires.
Plus! The weather today is extremely late summer/early fall and the breeze is perfect. I might take a picnic to the water if the weather holds.
I still feel a little sick, like I could throw up, but not like it's iminant. I'm getting used to it, but I'm feeling unwell most of the time. I don't think I can enjoy apple anymore, at least for a while, which is a pain because apple sause is one of the main foods recommended for this sort of queesy feeling in general, and especially for chemo patients.
Successful Canadian Tire trip
Successful Canadian Tire trip
Successful Canadian Tire trip
Appartment #9
The waves are very good today
It's hard to keep the hair out of my eyes today
Honourary Nurse Thomasin, asleep on the job
From the comments
James Petrosky: Eff it, it's a bit cool out (newly repaired thermometer reads 21.7C) but I've got the body fat to sit outside in the shade (one of the chemotherapy drugs makes you very photosensitive so it has to be the shade) so bonus recreation of an earlier profile pic
To properly protect you from bacterial, and especially viral, particles, a mask must be properly fitted to your face. And a chemotherapy patient should be properly protected if they want to maintain some sort of normal life by going to shops and such.
I didn't have to go so complete here, but I thought it would be easier to cut as it comes back in to fit the mask rather than the opposite. I'm having some major doubts right now, though 😛
I didn't shave closer because unnecessary cuts are also a risk to be avoided, so I'm stuck in this in between worst of all worlds (and it's pretty funny, I'm laughing, at least)
The chemo bottle has been removed. It was good to get out of the apartment, and I'm going to need to balance getting out with how low I feel on days 1-3. I wasn't going to get Tomara, but I take frequent emergency washroom breaks, now, and the mall in Barrie has the cleanest washrooms with the lowest human density (fast food is much much more crowded). Anyways, this charmer called to me and I have poor impulse control.
The next one I'm allowed to get for myself is after the end of the sixth cycle.
I wanted to post more, but my hydro's been out since early this afternoon and I don't have the light to do it. Tomorrow, perhaps.
Going up to the inpatient cancer center to have the bottle removed
Cancer ward waiting room
It's done, it's gone, it feels good, but some of the feelings linger
I still have my take home bottle of chemo, it'll be removed late tomorrow morning. I'm not sure which of the drugs caused it, but I threw up last night. I've mostly slept since all day, but did get to see my parents before they returned to Northern Ontario for a few days. I had three phone calls (two followup, one scheduled) and I'm exhausted.
From the comments
James Petrosky: The bathroom of a chemotherapy patient is considered potentially hazardous. Other humans can use it so long as they follow a few ground rules, but animals are not allowed in.
Some animals are extremely offended at this
James Petrosky: I tried to capture it, but the lighting wasn't great, the dark blue pouch on my torso attacked to the belt I bought in Peru over a decade ago (and finally found its use) is the chemo bottle. It's a lot less of a pain than I thought it would be, the only slight challenge is keeping Thomasin away from a fun fun springy hose. She's been good, though.
I'm in good paws
Even if she did immediately start biting me right after the last photo
It was almost too dark for her goofy face
