Surgery recovery has been slow. The pain disappeared a week ago, but I still tire quickly when walking uphill. I'm still off chemo, which makes things a lot easier, but it's still difficult.
My mental health has taken a hit over the past few weeks. When combined with the recovery, it means that I don't have much energy to do more than the bare minimum. It's unfortunate, but tends to happen every change of season, so it wasn't unexpected, and I have an appointment about it coming up.
From the comments
James Petrosky: The township put the benches and picnic tables out down at the beach this week. It makes my little strolls a lot more pleasant.
Gang, I'm so tired. Tired of counting cycles. Tired of the side effects. Tired of living in a sort of constant existential terror.
I took a walk to the beach, roughly 400m, and found myself lightly winded when I got there. Walking back was the same story. I've been doing some basic yardwork, collecting leaves that fell on the patio stones mainly, and after three hours of medium-light labour I'm so exhausted I need a nap. I've never been the most fit person, but even at the peak of my cancer pain on the late summer I was still able to work (medium-heavy labour) fifty hour weeks without wearing myself out. It's a lot to get used to. And to add further insult, my nose has been running constantly for the last month. It's a known side effect, but it's gross and frustrating.
For the sake of my mental health, I need surgical dates to look forward to. I'm hoping I hear something this week
From the comments
James Petrosky: Most of the time I'm pretty comfortable with my mortality, but the anxiety and depression and exhaustion have a way of eroding the peace I've made and found.
James Petrosky: My personal nurse has been a tremendous help, though
Its been over a year since the then unknown pain stole my preferred sleeping position (on my side, body pillow between knees to help with my back) from me and forced increasingly elaborate pillow piles to prop myself up to find rest. And today, today I successfully had the most restful nap in that old position. Because of the PICC, I can only lay on one side, and I can't do it while I'm receiving chemotherapy, but this counts as a major quality of life win. I'm choosing not to read anything more into it, but I am excited to share the news with my oncologist next week.
They've closed down the beach for the season, and left me with a forest of signs. Two of three restaurants are closed until the spring, and I plan one more takeout poutine from the last if it's still open this coming weekend. The normal cycles of ends and restarts are always a thing I like to mark, to notice, but they seem especially bittersweet right now. Fortunately there are these small victories (and the fact that the best poutine in the area is open year round)
Its Thanksgiving weekend in Canada, and we're having our turkey dinner tonight. We rarely have it on Monday, the day Thanksgiving actually falls, because you have more non work days to eat delicious leftovers. This time, it's not work, but the start of Cycle 3 on Thursday, that motivates celebrating early.
To my Canadian friends, I hope you have the Thanksgiving you dream of.
To my non Canadian friends, have a wonderful weekend.
Dawn, down at the beach
It's cold down at the (other, larger) beach
My goof poodle ❤️
My poodle pals
From the comments
James Petrosky: Another of the poodles on their own
James Petrosky: The menacing October sky of Lake Huron
James Petrosky: Thanksgiving dinner round these parts (this little cottage, specifically, and not necessarily anywhere else) is a roasted turkey served with fresh (never canned, canned was served at a family gathering once years ago and that faux pas is still talked about), mashed potatos, dressing (no stuffing is served), gravy, boiled turnip and steamed green beans. Peas often replace the beans, but we found some fresh ones this week.
Unfortunately neither of my brothers, nor my partner, could make it. But we do the best with who we have (namely, my parents and the poodles)
James Petrosky: In case you were wondering what we watch on tv during and after dinner, is the United States National Park Service Alaskan bear cam and a collection of webcams in Siberia.
You know those days that feel like overwhelming victories because they went fine rather than catastrophic? I'd file today with those days.
The news is generally good. Mt. Sinai has similar procedures as Royal Victoria does. My case will be presented to the surgical oncology team, who will decide if and when surgery may take place. Typically there are two rounds of chemo (each of six two week blocks, for six months total) before you become a candidate for the surgery.
The garden is starting to look spoopy (also today's hospital fashion)
Somehow I forgot to get one with a hospital sign, but here I am, terrified out of my mind waiting jn a hospital room in a strange city.
A short and not comprehensive list of songs I've had to remove from my playlists since being diagnosed with cancer:
Kettering by The Antlers
Easy/Lucky/Fred by Bright Eyes
There are certainly others, but these found themselves removed today.
I want to reiterate how wonderful you've all been, how much your kind words and Facevook reactions mean to me. You all mean so much to me, thank you all so much for existing ❤️
From the comments
Mica: Have you seen the anime short of the little girl who gets turned into a gengar? So cute
I haven't felt this good in months. My pain levels, while still much higher than my pre cancer baseline, haven't been this good in months. I have energy, apatite, drive. Chores are caught up, projects are being done, hobbies being perused. But there's so much to do before Cycle 2 starts Thursday.
Laundromat selfies are practically a requirement now
Its fucking wimdy
From the comments
David: So you can do this ?
James Petrosky: David I'm going to keep going for sure. It's not a war or a battle, it's a seige. I'll hold as long as I can.
James Petrosky: I saw my poodle pal today ❤️
It was almost too dark for her goofy face
Cycle one is drawing to a close and I have A Lot of appointments this week. And I know I'll be bedridden for the first five days of cycle two at least, so there's a lot to do. But for now, I keep busy, I work on projects, I find water birds in new and exciting places. It's not the life I expected, but I'll still make it mine.
Public art in downtown Midland, Ontario
Honestly I think I like loons more than geese, they're a magnificent and haunting bird, geese are just what we deserve. Also, I absolutely love geese as much as I say I do. My love for loons is passionate, but silent.
A nice thing about being a trades person is having excellent practical outer wear. Balm Beach has no street lights, but I was extremely visible (dancing badly to Firework, no less) and completely dry.
Even when you're sick with a potentially terminal illness, some days are just days. I did hobbies today. I played video games. I listened to podcasts without skipping around to only get light subject matter. I got some okay chip truck fries and baked them in a convection oven twice to make excellent chip truxk fries. I fired up my 3D printer for the first time since I was in trade school to make a joke at my own expense. I finally, one year later, finished modifying a Value Village tripod and took not great (but lots of fun) night photos.
Some days are just normal. They're rare. I treasure them.
"UNDERSTATEMENT Gold Medal" (actually made of yellow PLA) in commemoration of me giving cancer a 0/10 rating
I didn't take many photos, so you get this one of me figuring out how long it records
My hair is extremely bush here
I love this photo ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I'm a ghoooost (I misjudged the time again but also there was a car)
From the comments
James Petrosky: This is from 2020 but the GoPro software is hinky and uploaded it again and it's a really good photo of Thomasin and I so why not share it again ❤️
Would you believe I'd never been to an Arcade? Or won something cool in a claw game? Cross those of the list. Galaxian was my second favourite Arcade game going up (a Windows 95 port) (Asteroid was my favourite, but the table was broken today). The driving game was tremendous fun, but making hard turns without the forces your body expects is weird and made me dizzy.
We also played a bunch of skee ball, but were having so much fun we forgot all about photos. We wanted to play some Adams Family (1991) pinball but some very good pinball players were ahead of us, maybe next time.
*so I know none of these are actually selfies but that's because it's impossible to play these games and hold your phone.
I won two clip sharks and I'm so excited about it
At 50c this and Ms. Pacman are the cheapest games and probably where you'd find me next time
Gang I'm terrible at all Pacman games
I went with the yellow one because yellow is the best colour
This machine is so much fun and so dazzling to be inside
Sneaky machine got my image
*excited raccoon sounds* trash!
Sadly no stuffed animals in this, but many fidgit spinners
You have no idea how excited I was to win a yellow clip shark friend for my blue clip shark
Today was not an easy day. I managed to get a few things on my todo list done, but spent most of the afternoon in bed sleeping. I'm tired and my mood is low. The feeling passes, but there's a strong temptation to dwell there.
In the morning, before getting up
I've been crying a lot, and I have no intention of hiding that.
This photo looks sadder than it is, I found a low pressure sodium light and the monochromatic light was fun to play with. This shirt is blue, my hair is green
I really liked the sodium lamp, I have future plans for it
From the comments
James Petrosky: I did try and get a change of scenery to break the mood, but that truck was parked in my driveway blocking me in. After a decade of knowingly struggling with mental illness, I have a large toolbox for dealing with this sort of thing. But sometimes we're thwarted, and sometimes we fail, and that's okay. Thomasin, as always, is a delight and a help, and honestly filling my bed with cute soft toys had a much bigger positive effect than I would have thought.
James Petrosky: I don't reallt care how any individual person reacts to this, live your life, but it's goosing wild to put your cat group into mourning, with no posts for a day
Had a good day, saw a relative, received an amazing gift, went to a restaurant with a 2nd floor porch patio overlooking the beach. A good day. But the bottom still fell out. I'm not alone, I've never had more support (and Thomasin has never been more clingy), but I still feel that way. The feeling passes, but it is powerful.
My new pal Canda
My new pal Canda
On the patio, enjoying poutine and cola (they serve my favourite beer, but I can't have beer for a very long time, if ever)
This patio is the source of most of Balm Beach's pretty lights
I stayed much longer than I expected, you can yell because I've now had too much sun
I only look sunburned, the sun is filtering through a giant red string light bulb
Late night. Sometimes, there is no naritive. Sometimes, you just go to the beach to watch the moon reflect in the waves. Sometimes, you make a new smol skunk friend.
Sometimes you've saved up enough energy to just pretend things are normal for half an hour. And the moon and the weather and the trash friends just play along with you.
I like the lights, even if it didn't turn out
Same restaurant as the first photo
Same restaurant as the first photo
Same restaurant as first photo, the lights are pretty to look at, but I can't make them work
Bench outside a realtor
Bench outside a realtor
Same realtor, but the lighting washed out the flowers
This is the photo I wanted, the lighting is nice and I really like the shutters a lot
Same realtor
Same realtor, pretending I'm in a slasher movie
Same realtor, more slasher
Would it surprise you to learn I have a favourite street light?
Would it surprise you to learn I have a favourite street light?
Today has been an exhausting day, physically and mentally. Mentally, going into work for the last time before treatment was a lot. Everyone has a different way to process bad news from an acquaintance or coworker. And I've been unable to control the pain at all the last couple of days, I have some ideas why (because nothing materially changed with my condition the last few days, so it's got to be behavioural in part) and I have an appointment with my nurse practitioner next Tuesday, so we'll get this solved.
Anyways, ice cream always helps. My favourite place is soon to be closed for the winter, so I simply must take advantage before then. Thomasin has become aggressively cuddly, she really enjoys when I spend lots of time at home, so at least someone is going to benefit from my situation ❤️
Night at the Balm Beach breakwater. I'm not good at low light photography, but I still like how these came out. It's Labour Day weekend, which is the end of the tourist season here. I'm normally pretty happy about that, I like how quiet it gets and I like the storms that roll in off Lake Huron in the fall. Today, looking at the Balm Beach Smokehouse made me cry a bit. Major markers of time feel a lot more final, more perminant. It was too much, I had to head home.
From the comments
James Petrosky: This is what I was looking at at the end, when the weight of it all was becoming too much. It's so kitschy and silly but I love it so much. I'd have gotten a beer if my body could handle it, they have my favourite beer in the world on tap, but instead that's just another marker that things have changed in ways I don't want.
Morning, last night I dyed my hair, but since we finished so late I hadn't seen it in daylight. I really like it in daylight. Most of the photos taken at the breakwater in Balm Beach, I spend a lot of time down there, it's a short walk, it's very pretty, and one of my favourite places in the area. It was overcast so the light was soft and perfect.
With the oncologist appointment Friday, this week has taken a profoundly weird turn. I want it all to be secret, to pretend it isn't real, but the pain is getting to a point that I can't even move normally, require naps to get through the day.
Work friends who found out this past week, I'm sorry, I almost said something several times every day I came in this week. But shooting the shit like everything was normal felt so good, and I needed that feeling for as long as I could have it. I don't like to have lied, but it couldn't have been otherwise.
Nothing special going on, excited to meet my oncologist, have given the short term disability forms to my primary care physician, have yet to fill them out myself. I know the information barrier I've put in place for work is breaking, and that it can't hold, but that I just have to hold on for a couple more weeks.
It was almost too dark for her goofy face
