Cancer Selfies

Signs of winter

Cycle 3 Day 4

Its been over a year since the then unknown pain stole my preferred sleeping position (on my side, body pillow between knees to help with my back) from me and forced increasingly elaborate pillow piles to prop myself up to find rest. And today, today I successfully had the most restful nap in that old position. Because of the PICC, I can only lay on one side, and I can't do it while I'm receiving chemotherapy, but this counts as a major quality of life win. I'm choosing not to read anything more into it, but I am excited to share the news with my oncologist next week.

They've closed down the beach for the season, and left me with a forest of signs. Two of three restaurants are closed until the spring, and I plan one more takeout poutine from the last if it's still open this coming weekend. The normal cycles of ends and restarts are always a thing I like to mark, to notice, but they seem especially bittersweet right now. Fortunately there are these small victories (and the fact that the best poutine in the area is open year round)

Sweater weather forever

Cycle 2 Day 10

Its Thanksgiving weekend in Canada, and we're having our turkey dinner tonight. We rarely have it on Monday, the day Thanksgiving actually falls, because you have more non work days to eat delicious leftovers. This time, it's not work, but the start of Cycle 3 on Thursday, that motivates celebrating early.

To my Canadian friends, I hope you have the Thanksgiving you dream of.

To my non Canadian friends, have a wonderful weekend.

From the comments

James Petrosky: Another of the poodles on their own

James Petrosky: The menacing October sky of Lake Huron

James Petrosky: Thanksgiving dinner round these parts (this little cottage, specifically, and not necessarily anywhere else) is a roasted turkey served with fresh (never canned, canned was served at a family gathering once years ago and that faux pas is still talked about), mashed potatos, dressing (no stuffing is served), gravy, boiled turnip and steamed green beans. Peas often replace the beans, but we found some fresh ones this week.

Unfortunately neither of my brothers, nor my partner, could make it. But we do the best with who we have (namely, my parents and the poodles)

James Petrosky: In case you were wondering what we watch on tv during and after dinner, is the United States National Park Service Alaskan bear cam and a collection of webcams in Siberia.

James Petrosky: Sunset at Woodland Beach

First visit to Mt. Sinai

Cycle 2 Day 8

You know those days that feel like overwhelming victories because they went fine rather than catastrophic? I'd file today with those days.

The news is generally good. Mt. Sinai has similar procedures as Royal Victoria does. My case will be presented to the surgical oncology team, who will decide if and when surgery may take place. Typically there are two rounds of chemo (each of six two week blocks, for six months total) before you become a candidate for the surgery.

Cancer can spoil art for you

Cycle 1 Day 13

A short and not comprehensive list of songs I've had to remove from my playlists since being diagnosed with cancer:

• Kettering by The Antlers
• Easy/Lucky/Fred by Bright Eyes

There are certainly others, but these found themselves removed today.

I want to reiterate how wonderful you've all been, how much your kind words and Facevook reactions mean to me. You all mean so much to me, thank you all so much for existing ❤️

From the comments

Mica: Have you seen the anime short of the little girl who gets turned into a gengar? So cute

Things are already going better after one cycle

Cycle 1, Day 12

I haven't felt this good in months. My pain levels, while still much higher than my pre cancer baseline, haven't been this good in months. I have energy, apatite, drive. Chores are caught up, projects are being done, hobbies being perused. But there's so much to do before Cycle 2 starts Thursday.

From the comments

David: So you can do this ?

James Petrosky: David I'm going to keep going for sure. It's not a war or a battle, it's a seige. I'll hold as long as I can.

James Petrosky: I saw my poodle pal today ❤️ It was almost too dark for her goofy face

Making the most of my time, Midland edition

Cycle 1 Day 11

Cycle one is drawing to a close and I have A Lot of appointments this week. And I know I'll be bedridden for the first five days of cycle two at least, so there's a lot to do. But for now, I keep busy, I work on projects, I find water birds in new and exciting places. It's not the life I expected, but I'll still make it mine.

Good days are possible with chemo

Cycle 1 Day 6

Even when you're sick with a potentially terminal illness, some days are just days. I did hobbies today. I played video games. I listened to podcasts without skipping around to only get light subject matter. I got some okay chip truck fries and baked them in a convection oven twice to make excellent chip truxk fries. I fired up my 3D printer for the first time since I was in trade school to make a joke at my own expense. I finally, one year later, finished modifying a Value Village tripod and took not great (but lots of fun) night photos.

Some days are just normal. They're rare. I treasure them.

From the comments

James Petrosky: This is from 2020 but the GoPro software is hinky and uploaded it again and it's a really good photo of Thomasin and I so why not share it again ❤️

My first visit to an arcade

Would you believe I'd never been to an Arcade? Or won something cool in a claw game? Cross those of the list. Galaxian was my second favourite Arcade game going up (a Windows 95 port) (Asteroid was my favourite, but the table was broken today). The driving game was tremendous fun, but making hard turns without the forces your body expects is weird and made me dizzy.

We also played a bunch of skee ball, but were having so much fun we forgot all about photos. We wanted to play some Adams Family (1991) pinball but some very good pinball players were ahead of us, maybe next time.

*so I know none of these are actually selfies but that's because it's impossible to play these games and hold your phone.

Monochromatic light

Today was not an easy day. I managed to get a few things on my todo list done, but spent most of the afternoon in bed sleeping. I'm tired and my mood is low. The feeling passes, but there's a strong temptation to dwell there.

From the comments

James Petrosky: I did try and get a change of scenery to break the mood, but that truck was parked in my driveway blocking me in. After a decade of knowingly struggling with mental illness, I have a large toolbox for dealing with this sort of thing. But sometimes we're thwarted, and sometimes we fail, and that's okay. Thomasin, as always, is a delight and a help, and honestly filling my bed with cute soft toys had a much bigger positive effect than I would have thought.

Do Kissenger Next

We've earned some more nice things I think.

From the comments

James Petrosky: I don't reallt care how any individual person reacts to this, live your life, but it's goosing wild to put your cat group into mourning, with no posts for a day

At the beach, on the patio

Had a good day, saw a relative, received an amazing gift, went to a restaurant with a 2nd floor porch patio overlooking the beach. A good day. But the bottom still fell out. I'm not alone, I've never had more support (and Thomasin has never been more clingy), but I still feel that way. The feeling passes, but it is powerful.

Late night, on the beach

Late night. Sometimes, there is no naritive. Sometimes, you just go to the beach to watch the moon reflect in the waves. Sometimes, you make a new smol skunk friend.

Sometimes you've saved up enough energy to just pretend things are normal for half an hour. And the moon and the weather and the trash friends just play along with you.

An ice cream break

Today has been an exhausting day, physically and mentally. Mentally, going into work for the last time before treatment was a lot. Everyone has a different way to process bad news from an acquaintance or coworker. And I've been unable to control the pain at all the last couple of days, I have some ideas why (because nothing materially changed with my condition the last few days, so it's got to be behavioural in part) and I have an appointment with my nurse practitioner next Tuesday, so we'll get this solved.

Anyways, ice cream always helps. My favourite place is soon to be closed for the winter, so I simply must take advantage before then. Thomasin has become aggressively cuddly, she really enjoys when I spend lots of time at home, so at least someone is going to benefit from my situation ❤️

From the comments

Some bonus Thomasin

Time is too much

Night at the Balm Beach breakwater. I'm not good at low light photography, but I still like how these came out. It's Labour Day weekend, which is the end of the tourist season here. I'm normally pretty happy about that, I like how quiet it gets and I like the storms that roll in off Lake Huron in the fall. Today, looking at the Balm Beach Smokehouse made me cry a bit. Major markers of time feel a lot more final, more perminant. It was too much, I had to head home.

From the comments

James Petrosky: This is what I was looking at at the end, when the weight of it all was becoming too much. It's so kitschy and silly but I love it so much. I'd have gotten a beer if my body could handle it, they have my favourite beer in the world on tap, but instead that's just another marker that things have changed in ways I don't want.

Dye in daylight

Morning, last night I dyed my hair, but since we finished so late I hadn't seen it in daylight. I really like it in daylight. Most of the photos taken at the breakwater in Balm Beach, I spend a lot of time down there, it's a short walk, it's very pretty, and one of my favourite places in the area. It was overcast so the light was soft and perfect.

An evening at the breakwater

I reflected on this on August 21, 2023

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Back at home after Barrie trip, at the Balm Beach breakwater. Look, I'm 35, I know I'm bad at selfies, and I would normally only share the really good ones. But that isn't what this album is about.