Aug 27, 2022
This was written on September 4th, 2022
Saturday after colonoscopy. I'd told my boss the previous week, and HR earlier this one, so the strong separation I had between work and everything else was breaking down. I had promised myself that I could get one (1) Squishmellow friend per procedure so I was excited that I was going to get one today. This was going to be my first solo trip since before I got Covid-19 (and before this nightmare started) that I was looking forward to. It was a great day ❤️
Aug 26, 2022
Good news! I have something for the abdominal pain now.
Good news! It works really well!
Bad news! I have about the same tolerance for T3s as I do for everything else, so that's fun.
From the comments
James Petrosky: This would be fine if they were for home, but less so for driving and work (especially because the position I'm physically in for driving is really bad for pain.)
James Petrosky: It's great to feel at home in my body for the first time in a year, but the cost is a little bit more of the normal I'm coming to miss more and more every day.
James Petrosky: I've wanted to make posts about "the thing they don't tell you about cancer is" with a thousand little adjustments (buying a new large bottle of extra strength Tylenol every trip to the grocery store, when normally one a year was a lot) but the reality is that you really cling to everything that still feels normal, knowing that many of them have a time limit (the big one for me is work, I think I probably have 2-4 weeks before I go on leave, and I'm not ready to recon with that yet). Today I learned that my reaction to T3s means that I have to give up forklift driving and height work or be risk fairly severe pain. That is a lot of normal lost, and a lot of either lying about why or filling people in on the situation.
What they don't tell you is that normal is the currency you pay along the road to treatment.
And every time you make a payment, the part of your brain you can take a mental break from it in shrinks. Until all that's left is existential terror and exhaustion, from the disease and from the side effects.
That's pretty fucking bleak, I'm not feeling that trash tonight. I have felt that trash, I drove 6 hours alone in pain knowing every second of the trip that the reward I was looking forward to was breaking my parents' hearts with this fucking news. Nothing will ever feel like that.
I'm alright tonight. A little bit high on T3s. Watching math videos and playing with my stupid electronic toy instruments. If I was healthy right now, I'd be doing exactly the same (except it would be cannibis)
Aug 23, 2022
I meet with an oncologist next Friday
From the comments
James Petrosky: I love all the reacts, but I'm very excited. I'm also upset at Zucc for taking the good backgrounds away and durining my character into a weird stress ball texture.
Aug 23, 2022
It was hard enough to give a fuck at work before, why do I expect myself to do this?*
*I'm doing it to pretend things are normal in a way that isn't dangerous for as long as I can but holy fuck
From the comments
Jon Muggleton: Right with you, buddy. I may not be exactly where you're at, but I've felt the same way since I came back.
Gena Radcliffe: Yeah, I get this.
Anthony Daley Di Poce: I absolutely love your ability to do this. I thank Ra that I work at home with my wife. I would spill the beans day one if I still worked in the office. I am shit at hiding anything.
Anthony Daley Di Poce: Love, respect, and admire.
James Petrosky: Anthony Daley Di Poce okay but what do you think of the internal manic chaos bisexual in me's plan to reveal it by dying my hair purple and then, when asked why I did it, saying that I'm starting chemo soon and I wanted to try while I could?
Anthony Daley Di Poce: James Petrosky (emperor voice) "Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen."
Aug 23, 2022
This was written on September 4th, 2022
Nearly midnight, almost forgot today, which would have been the end of the project. They're bad, but they exist, which is what matters.
Aug 22, 2022
This was written on September 4th, 2022
Today I consciously decided to try and take more photos of myself, after decades of doing my best to not be in anything. I'm not good at it, but I'm trying.
Aug 21, 2022
I reflected on this on August 21, 2023
This was written on September 4th, 2022
Back at home after Barrie trip, at the Balm Beach breakwater. Look, I'm 35, I know I'm bad at selfies, and I would normally only share the really good ones. But that isn't what this album is about.
Aug 20, 2022
I reflected on this on August 20, 2023
If your wondering how fast advertisements for nonsense natural remedies take over your feed, it's within hours (maybe quicker, I was at work and not paying full attention).
I've already blocked and reported a half dozen.
Right now I'm still in a position where I can laugh these off, block some scammers, and move on. If I start to break, someone please just point me at Science Based Medicine to set me straight again ❤️
Aug 19, 2022
This was written on September 4th, 2022
Two days earlier, all the information I learned on the 3rd was confirmed through additional testing. This was the day I started sharing much more widely. This was a very bad week. Thomasin, as always, was a great comfort
Aug 19, 2022
Friends, this is not going to be a happy post. I understand if you take a pass, just know that you're all important to me, you brighten and give colour to my life, and that I love you all.
.
.
.
I've been diagnosed with cancer of the appendix. Its already spread to at least two other places. This is the source of the gut/abdominal/belly button pain I've been complaining about for a while. We've only suspected for just over two weeks. and only had it confirmed this week, so I don't know what the outlook is like, but I'm choosing to be hopeful.
Work friends, please keep this to yourselves. Work is the only place I can pretend things are normal right now and that is important to my mental health.
All friends, please don't tell me you're praying for me. That's often used as a passive aggressive threat towards atheists, and while I know you don't mean it that way, I'm already emotionally spent.
Again, you all mean the world to me, and the world is a better place having all you in it ❤
From the comments
James Petrosky: But seriously though the Ontario heathcare system is deeply flawed, but once the full weight of it is behind you things move fast.
James Petrosky: And for American friends, the combo of public health care and good employer benefits means I'm not worried financially.
Aug 13, 2022
Holy crap CBD is a demon chemical that damns me to an unrestful sleep full of vivid and surreal dreams. I'll take seven.
From the comments
James Petrosky: Maybe I'm just overdoing it? Who knows. Prerolls are weird and I have no idea what I'm doing (other than trying to reliably fall asleep and remain asleep until morning)
Amber: James Petrosky vaping? Smoking? Edible?
James Petrosky: Amber 0.35g prerolled joint, so smoking. Buying small numbers of prerolls is the easiest way for me to find what I like, so I can then get dried flower for the vaporizer. Sadly I can't have edibles right now because they dehydrate me and because of a health problem that has to be avoided (but the problem also makes sleep difficult so catch 22)
Amber: James Petrosky edibles are expensive! I can’t do preroll because of asthma. A portable vape is great cuz I know my exact temp; easy on my lungs. It’s amazing learning smoking has no control and can overheat the preroll. Best of luck! Big learning curve but worth it!
James Petrosky: Amber I've been doing higher THC stuff since 2020, including edibles, but changing life situations has rendered the high THC stuff a poor choice because of elevated paranoia risk (I think related to the same issue, but maybe related to the bipolar disorder or something else) and the edible dehydration issue is a non-starter.
Amber: James Petrosky I’m sorry to hear that. Cbd is a good option for you then. No high, but nice and mellow. I vape sour space candy when I feel anxious and it works like a charm to calm me down. There’s so many strains, it’s overwhelming!
James Petrosky: Amber yeah I tried two this week, one did nothing and this one (Black widdow I think) was too much. It's not pure CBD numbers because the first was higher, but the second also had a small but meaningful amount of THC in it. Anyways, the search continues
Aug 11, 2022
This was written on September 4th, 2022
The day after the appendix biopsy. The biopsy itself wasn't too bad, I generally take freezings well, but the position they had me in made my belly hurt in a way I didn't think pain could. 0/10.
Aug 08, 2022
This was written on September 4th, 2022
At home after work, biopsy of my appendix had been scheduled, but had not happened. Family and a few close friends know, but no one else.
Aug 04, 2022
This was written on September 4th, 2022
A lot of new tests had been scheduled, I knew I was driving five hours to Elliott Lake the next day and was dreading it. I'd been planning this visit for months (it got changed up a bit because I got Covid-19, and then again the day before, because I no longer had the energy for big trips and now needed to be nearer an emergency room I didn't think Chapleau could provide)
Aug 03, 2022
This was written on September 4th, 2022
Big-Head-Tiny-Body comforts me after the worst phone call I've ever recieved
Jul 29, 2022
Guess who forgot they couldn't taste food and bought pizza to celebrate the long weekend?
Jul 28, 2022
This was written on September 4th, 2022
First day back after Covid-19, unaware of diagnoses yet
Jul 23, 2022
This week refuses to quit with the ups and downs
From the comments
James Petrosky: (that means I passed my exam and am a licenced electrician as of today)
(also holy shit it wasn't even close, 89/100 with a pass mark of 70, that's at the extreme high end of what I was expecting)
Robert: James Petrosky have you ever considered that you’re good at certain things?
James Petrosky: Robert Ocasionally, I was reasonably sure I had passed but I also didn't sleep for the three or four nights prior and timed my meals wrong day of so I was loopy from low blood sugar by the end of it, so it wasn't super easy to judge the outcome
Jul 22, 2022
That's a positive.
Sep 08, 2021
I reflected on this on September 8, 2023
Super glad my body has decided that hunger is boring and unhelpful and instead goes all in on confusion and irritability