Cancer Selfies

A morning squish

Morning. I'm a side sleeper, and I haven't been able to side sleep for months and months because of the cancer pain. Even now I'm still not good enough at sleeping propped up that I can reliably get a good night's sleep. Last night I did not sleep well, which is fine, I'll just need a nap later.

Nessie and her soft soft corderoy belly is mg favourite Squish. I set them up on the other side of the bed, but she's always within reach if I need a quick squish. I should have gotten something like this years ago, it's so pleasant and comforting. Don't be too adult or manly or whatever for something to squeeze.

Hair colour lightning round

I reflected on this on September 9, 2023

If the chemo is going to take my hair, I'm going to have fun with it first

From the Comments

James Petrosky: *it isn't a forgone conclusion that I'll lose my hair, and I'm pretty excited about this whole thing

Time is too much

Night at the Balm Beach breakwater. I'm not good at low light photography, but I still like how these came out. It's Labour Day weekend, which is the end of the tourist season here. I'm normally pretty happy about that, I like how quiet it gets and I like the storms that roll in off Lake Huron in the fall. Today, looking at the Balm Beach Smokehouse made me cry a bit. Major markers of time feel a lot more final, more perminant. It was too much, I had to head home.

From the comments

James Petrosky: This is what I was looking at at the end, when the weight of it all was becoming too much. It's so kitschy and silly but I love it so much. I'd have gotten a beer if my body could handle it, they have my favourite beer in the world on tap, but instead that's just another marker that things have changed in ways I don't want.

Dye in daylight

Morning, last night I dyed my hair, but since we finished so late I hadn't seen it in daylight. I really like it in daylight. Most of the photos taken at the breakwater in Balm Beach, I spend a lot of time down there, it's a short walk, it's very pretty, and one of my favourite places in the area. It was overcast so the light was soft and perfect.

The dye job: Dying

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Dying hair, and some late night dyed hair photos. I really wanted it to look like the bright blue of the first few photos, but the green is great and we have plans to go again soon ❤️ Love my light skulls though, a project I actually finished.

The dye job: Bleaching

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Bleaching/bleached hair. There are a lot because it was so weird to see myself this way, and I knew it wasn't lasting very long.

The dye job: Before bleaching

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Before bleaching

The dye job: Morning of

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Morning. I've always toyed with the idea of dying my hair, but I had figured the point in my life where it made sense had passed. I work in a fairly conservative workplace and it made more sense to let this particular thing go. But with the threat of losing my hair looming? Heck no we're doing this shit.

Later, in the dark of the night

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Bed time, making the best of it. I really like narwhals a lot. They're just so silly looking, and Nabila the pastel tie dye narhwal is great ❤️

A visit with the oncologist

This was written on September 4th, 2022

A month less a day earlier, I learned I had cancer. In two weeks from today, I start chemotherapy. I don't want to rank my bad days, but these two are easily the worst of them. Its only through the power of amazing sushi (and my wonderful partner) that I look so calm here, because there do not exist words for how I felt.

Out goes the 1 Squishmellow per procedure plan, might as well just pile them on (Maggie the manta ray, Nabila the narhwal, Maurice the moose).

I never made it to work that day. So I never got to tell the people I wanted to in person. I'm sorry for that, but I can still barely function when writing this on the 4th.

From the comments

James: I have to tie my hair back to wear my N95 masks, I don't love how it looks but fashion must be sacraficed for health

Done work for ???

I reflected on this on September 1, 2023 This was written on September 4th, 2022

After my shift. I rarely take photos of myself at work. I like my uniform, it's extremely practical. These are some of the only photos that exist of me in it. I had promised myself that I'd take Friday off if it didn't go great, and I guess I was doing the "hope for the best plan for the worst" thing.

The last day of work before treatment

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Hours before what I didn't yet realize is my last shift for months. I felt good about it. Tomorrow, I'd get all the information from the oncologist and fill in everyone at work I cared about enough to want to tell. I was right about the shift, it was a great one to go out on, I was wrong about Friday.

Keeping secrets is hard, but necessary, for now

This was written on September 4th, 2022

With the oncologist appointment Friday, this week has taken a profoundly weird turn. I want it all to be secret, to pretend it isn't real, but the pain is getting to a point that I can't even move normally, require naps to get through the day.

Work friends who found out this past week, I'm sorry, I almost said something several times every day I came in this week. But shooting the shit like everything was normal felt so good, and I needed that feeling for as long as I could have it. I don't like to have lied, but it couldn't have been otherwise.

The difficult sort of phone call

This was written on September 4th, 2022

I think I look sad here, and I have many reasons to, but I don't remember why specifically. I think it's the laundromat, and I've just gotten off the phone with a nurse at the Barrie Regional Cancer Center. I've said multiple times that the currency of this past month has been normalcy, and few things ruin your sense of normal like that sort of phone call.

Work's end is near

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Nothing special going on, excited to meet my oncologist, have given the short term disability forms to my primary care physician, have yet to fill them out myself. I know the information barrier I've put in place for work is breaking, and that it can't hold, but that I just have to hold on for a couple more weeks.

After a day trip to Barrie, Ontario

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Post solo trip, celebrating with my new friend Nessie, plus also Chip and of course Thomasin. It was a simple, but perfect, day ❤️

Post colonoscopy (with good results, given the situation)

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Saturday after colonoscopy. I'd told my boss the previous week, and HR earlier this one, so the strong separation I had between work and everything else was breaking down. I had promised myself that I could get one (1) Squishmellow friend per procedure so I was excited that I was going to get one today. This was going to be my first solo trip since before I got Covid-19 (and before this nightmare started) that I was looking forward to. It was a great day ❤️

Appointent Friday

I meet with an oncologist next Friday

From the comments

James Petrosky: I love all the reacts, but I'm very excited. I'm also upset at Zucc for taking the good backgrounds away and durining my character into a weird stress ball texture.

Faking it for the maintenance team

It was hard enough to give a fuck at work before, why do I expect myself to do this?*

*I'm doing it to pretend things are normal in a way that isn't dangerous for as long as I can but holy fuck

From the comments

Jon Muggleton: Right with you, buddy. I may not be exactly where you're at, but I've felt the same way since I came back.

Gena Radcliffe: Yeah, I get this.

Anthony Daley Di Poce: I absolutely love your ability to do this. I thank Ra that I work at home with my wife. I would spill the beans day one if I still worked in the office. I am shit at hiding anything.

Anthony Daley Di Poce: Love, respect, and admire. James Petrosky: Anthony Daley Di Poce okay but what do you think of the internal manic chaos bisexual in me's plan to reveal it by dying my hair purple and then, when asked why I did it, saying that I'm starting chemo soon and I wanted to try while I could? Anthony Daley Di Poce*: James Petrosky (emperor voice) "Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen."

Late night selfies

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Nearly midnight, almost forgot today, which would have been the end of the project. They're bad, but they exist, which is what matters.