Cancer Selfies

A morning squish

Morning. I'm a side sleeper, and I haven't been able to side sleep for months and months because of the cancer pain. Even now I'm still not good enough at sleeping propped up that I can reliably get a good night's sleep. Last night I did not sleep well, which is fine, I'll just need a nap later.

Nessie and her soft soft corderoy belly is mg favourite Squish. I set them up on the other side of the bed, but she's always within reach if I need a quick squish. I should have gotten something like this years ago, it's so pleasant and comforting. Don't be too adult or manly or whatever for something to squeeze.

Hair colour lightning round

I reflected on this on September 9, 2023

If the chemo is going to take my hair, I'm going to have fun with it first

From the Comments

James Petrosky: *it isn't a forgone conclusion that I'll lose my hair, and I'm pretty excited about this whole thing

Time is too much

Night at the Balm Beach breakwater. I'm not good at low light photography, but I still like how these came out. It's Labour Day weekend, which is the end of the tourist season here. I'm normally pretty happy about that, I like how quiet it gets and I like the storms that roll in off Lake Huron in the fall. Today, looking at the Balm Beach Smokehouse made me cry a bit. Major markers of time feel a lot more final, more perminant. It was too much, I had to head home.

From the comments

James Petrosky: This is what I was looking at at the end, when the weight of it all was becoming too much. It's so kitschy and silly but I love it so much. I'd have gotten a beer if my body could handle it, they have my favourite beer in the world on tap, but instead that's just another marker that things have changed in ways I don't want.

Dye in daylight

Morning, last night I dyed my hair, but since we finished so late I hadn't seen it in daylight. I really like it in daylight. Most of the photos taken at the breakwater in Balm Beach, I spend a lot of time down there, it's a short walk, it's very pretty, and one of my favourite places in the area. It was overcast so the light was soft and perfect.

The dye job: Dying

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Dying hair, and some late night dyed hair photos. I really wanted it to look like the bright blue of the first few photos, but the green is great and we have plans to go again soon ❤️ Love my light skulls though, a project I actually finished.

The dye job: Bleaching

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Bleaching/bleached hair. There are a lot because it was so weird to see myself this way, and I knew it wasn't lasting very long.

The dye job: Before bleaching

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Before bleaching

How was your visit with the Cancer Centre?

Customer service questionnaires have gone too far 😛 How do they want me to answer this, 10/10 would be told I have cancer again?

(this is a joke, I'm delighted by the absurdity, you can be too)

From the comments

James Petrosky: Really tho so far the Barrie cancer center seems great, it's just maybe wait more than 24 hours (not even a business day) before asking

Kate: I got a bunch of emails and texts like that for the surgery I had in 20xx too. Like...what was I supposed to say? "As far as being cut in half goes, it wasn't too bad!" (That's a moderate exaggeration, I was probably temporarily disemboweled though.)

Robert: Kate "They managed to fit all my guts back into my body cavity!"
James Petrosky: Robert "no spare parts 👍"
James Petrosky: Although if I get surgery I hope there are spare parts 😛

Cindy: I was always annoyed to get such type of survey things from the hospital my mom was going to. A survey is not my priority!

James Petrosky: Cindy yeah it's one thing now when I can still joke about it, but I will be frustrated, annoyed and hurt when I get one in six months time and I just want to forget the whole experience.

Ron: It's good they solicit feedback in many ways. But this shit always feels like marketing.

James Petrosky: Ron if they asked after my fifth chemo treatment, they could probably expect a non emotional answer. But literally 24 hours after learning exactly how bad it is and how fast treatment is starting? Wild
Ron: James Petrosky Yeah, they need to bake a little tact into their automated systems, give the doctors a way to enter a "gingerness" factor during the appointment.

Sarah: That's wild! 🤦🏻‍♀️

The dye job: Morning of

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Morning. I've always toyed with the idea of dying my hair, but I had figured the point in my life where it made sense had passed. I work in a fairly conservative workplace and it made more sense to let this particular thing go. But with the threat of losing my hair looming? Heck no we're doing this shit.

Later, in the dark of the night

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Bed time, making the best of it. I really like narwhals a lot. They're just so silly looking, and Nabila the pastel tie dye narhwal is great ❤️

A visit with the oncologist

This was written on September 4th, 2022

A month less a day earlier, I learned I had cancer. In two weeks from today, I start chemotherapy. I don't want to rank my bad days, but these two are easily the worst of them. Its only through the power of amazing sushi (and my wonderful partner) that I look so calm here, because there do not exist words for how I felt.

Out goes the 1 Squishmellow per procedure plan, might as well just pile them on (Maggie the manta ray, Nabila the narhwal, Maurice the moose).

I never made it to work that day. So I never got to tell the people I wanted to in person. I'm sorry for that, but I can still barely function when writing this on the 4th.

From the comments

James: I have to tie my hair back to wear my N95 masks, I don't love how it looks but fashion must be sacraficed for health

Stage Four

Stage four cancer. Chemo starts on the 15th. I don't have much left, emotionally, today. Thank you everyone for your support so far ❤️

Done work for ???

I reflected on this on September 1, 2023 This was written on September 4th, 2022

After my shift. I rarely take photos of myself at work. I like my uniform, it's extremely practical. These are some of the only photos that exist of me in it. I had promised myself that I'd take Friday off if it didn't go great, and I guess I was doing the "hope for the best plan for the worst" thing.

The last day of work before treatment

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Hours before what I didn't yet realize is my last shift for months. I felt good about it. Tomorrow, I'd get all the information from the oncologist and fill in everyone at work I cared about enough to want to tell. I was right about the shift, it was a great one to go out on, I was wrong about Friday.

Oncologist panic

<! --I reflected on this on September 1, 2023 -->

Given that there are fewer than 24 hours until I meet my oncologist, I'm going to go back to the CUTE ANIMAL PHOTOS well because holy fuck I have an anxiety disorder and I didn't understand anxiety could be so bad

The comments comtain dozens of posts featuring people's pets and wild animals

Insurance forms

Insurance forms are wild. "List the symptoms of your illness that prevent you from working. List which job tasks you can still preform" weren't you listening when I wrote one of the worst four word phrases possible in the English language? And you want to know if I'll still be able to bend conduit while hooked up to an IV.

Fuck these ghouls.

From the comments

James Petrosky: Those words are "Cancer that has spread", although that phrasing only makes sense on a form. The real life equivalent is "you have cancer, and it has already spread" and I don't wish that statement on anyone, whoever wrote this form should really consider that someone who's going to fill it out did and not be the worst cog in the machine about it.

Keeping secrets is hard, but necessary, for now

This was written on September 4th, 2022

With the oncologist appointment Friday, this week has taken a profoundly weird turn. I want it all to be secret, to pretend it isn't real, but the pain is getting to a point that I can't even move normally, require naps to get through the day.

Work friends who found out this past week, I'm sorry, I almost said something several times every day I came in this week. But shooting the shit like everything was normal felt so good, and I needed that feeling for as long as I could have it. I don't like to have lied, but it couldn't have been otherwise.

Two oncology teams

I reflected on this on August 30, 2023

Good news! I have appointments with two different oncologists!

Bad news! I have appointments with two different oncologists.

From the comments

Ron: Because two different cancers or...
I wanted to say it's good to talk to different professionals about something this important but then it occurred to me.

James Petrosky: Ron two different treatment styles, I think. My understanding, the first is a traditional surgery and chemo option, the second is a more aggressive hybrid approach. The first is at a regional hospital and the second is one of the major hospitals in Toronto
Ron: James Petrosky Given the unfortunate delay in your diagnosis I suppose aggressive might be called for, but honestly cancer scares me enough that I definitely just reflexively equate aggressive with good when it comes to dealing with it. I'd nuke it from orbit if I could
James Petrosky: Ron Bedison I'm fortunate that otherwise my health is still fairly good, so going off absolutely no information I'd also opt for the more aggressive treatment. But more than anything else I'm so in the dark and I just want information.

The difficult sort of phone call

This was written on September 4th, 2022

I think I look sad here, and I have many reasons to, but I don't remember why specifically. I think it's the laundromat, and I've just gotten off the phone with a nurse at the Barrie Regional Cancer Center. I've said multiple times that the currency of this past month has been normalcy, and few things ruin your sense of normal like that sort of phone call.

Work's end is near

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Nothing special going on, excited to meet my oncologist, have given the short term disability forms to my primary care physician, have yet to fill them out myself. I know the information barrier I've put in place for work is breaking, and that it can't hold, but that I just have to hold on for a couple more weeks.