Cancer Selfies

After a day trip to Barrie, Ontario

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Post solo trip, celebrating with my new friend Nessie, plus also Chip and of course Thomasin. It was a simple, but perfect, day ❤️

Post colonoscopy (with good results, given the situation)

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Saturday after colonoscopy. I'd told my boss the previous week, and HR earlier this one, so the strong separation I had between work and everything else was breaking down. I had promised myself that I could get one (1) Squishmellow friend per procedure so I was excited that I was going to get one today. This was going to be my first solo trip since before I got Covid-19 (and before this nightmare started) that I was looking forward to. It was a great day ❤️

Introducing Nessie

"Do you want a gift receipt"

"No I am an adult and me and my new friend Nessie are going home to watch monster movies together"

From the comments

James Petrosky: Things you wish you said after the situation is over.

James Petrosky: We are going to take T3s and watch monster movies, though. Obviously Chip and Thomasin will be there, too.

James Petrosky: I wasn't sure this was the right one in the store, but turning around and seeing her smiling face tells me it was.

James Petrosky: My deal with myself is that every major cancer milestone I get to add something silly and cute to my plush collection. Today it was almost a giant Bulbasaur, but Nessie was a lot softer

I finally have painkillers!

Good news! I have something for the abdominal pain now.

Good news! It works really well!

Bad news! I have about the same tolerance for T3s as I do for everything else, so that's fun.

From the comments

James Petrosky: This would be fine if they were for home, but less so for driving and work (especially because the position I'm physically in for driving is really bad for pain.)

James Petrosky: It's great to feel at home in my body for the first time in a year, but the cost is a little bit more of the normal I'm coming to miss more and more every day.

James Petrosky: I've wanted to make posts about "the thing they don't tell you about cancer is" with a thousand little adjustments (buying a new large bottle of extra strength Tylenol every trip to the grocery store, when normally one a year was a lot) but the reality is that you really cling to everything that still feels normal, knowing that many of them have a time limit (the big one for me is work, I think I probably have 2-4 weeks before I go on leave, and I'm not ready to recon with that yet). Today I learned that my reaction to T3s means that I have to give up forklift driving and height work or be risk fairly severe pain. That is a lot of normal lost, and a lot of either lying about why or filling people in on the situation.

What they don't tell you is that normal is the currency you pay along the road to treatment.

And every time you make a payment, the part of your brain you can take a mental break from it in shrinks. Until all that's left is existential terror and exhaustion, from the disease and from the side effects.

That's pretty fucking bleak, I'm not feeling that trash tonight. I have felt that trash, I drove 6 hours alone in pain knowing every second of the trip that the reward I was looking forward to was breaking my parents' hearts with this fucking news. Nothing will ever feel like that.

I'm alright tonight. A little bit high on T3s. Watching math videos and playing with my stupid electronic toy instruments. If I was healthy right now, I'd be doing exactly the same (except it would be cannibis)

Colonoscopy discomfort

Oversharing warning!
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Whoda thought that the worst part about the colonoscopy (well, so far, material was sent out for further testing) would be that my sinuses are all plugged and painful

From the comments

Ron: Not me, but my sinuses aren't particularly prone to blockage like some of my family members. Air mask related or a reaction to the anesthesia?

James Petrosky: Ron I'm told I removed the mask, so I don't know. The side I was laying on is a lot worse, and because of the cancer pain I haven't been able to sleep on my side in over a year so I have no idea.

Never been under anesthetic before, either

Ron: James Petrosky Ugh, yeah, my sinuses are sensitive enough that I do need to flip over from time to time. Sorry. General anesthesia is really deceptive. It's like being drunk without any sense of being that way. I'm told I'm hilarious when going under or coming out of it.

James Petrosky: Ron I think I just have to get used to it (a anesthesia) because I think even the best case scenario has a lot of it coming up 😛

Which, to be clear, being it the fuck on

James Petrosky: A few more hours on and the regular cancer pain is once again the worst discomfort I'm dealing with minute to minute. Which genuinely sounds a lot more dire than I mean it to, I'm not being negative or defeatist, I promise. This is just what it sounds like when a sick engineer talks about their illness. (I checked with my friends from engineering school and we all agreed about this)

Appointent Friday

I meet with an oncologist next Friday

From the comments

James Petrosky: I love all the reacts, but I'm very excited. I'm also upset at Zucc for taking the good backgrounds away and durining my character into a weird stress ball texture.

Faking it for the maintenance team

It was hard enough to give a fuck at work before, why do I expect myself to do this?*

*I'm doing it to pretend things are normal in a way that isn't dangerous for as long as I can but holy fuck

From the comments

Jon Muggleton: Right with you, buddy. I may not be exactly where you're at, but I've felt the same way since I came back.

Gena Radcliffe: Yeah, I get this.

Anthony Daley Di Poce: I absolutely love your ability to do this. I thank Ra that I work at home with my wife. I would spill the beans day one if I still worked in the office. I am shit at hiding anything.

Anthony Daley Di Poce: Love, respect, and admire. James Petrosky: Anthony Daley Di Poce okay but what do you think of the internal manic chaos bisexual in me's plan to reveal it by dying my hair purple and then, when asked why I did it, saying that I'm starting chemo soon and I wanted to try while I could? Anthony Daley Di Poce*: James Petrosky (emperor voice) "Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen."

Late night selfies

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Nearly midnight, almost forgot today, which would have been the end of the project. They're bad, but they exist, which is what matters.

An important decision

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Today I consciously decided to try and take more photos of myself, after decades of doing my best to not be in anything. I'm not good at it, but I'm trying.

An evening at the breakwater

I reflected on this on August 21, 2023

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Back at home after Barrie trip, at the Balm Beach breakwater. Look, I'm 35, I know I'm bad at selfies, and I would normally only share the really good ones. But that isn't what this album is about.

New friend!

I adopted a new friend

Some light retail therapy, the start of an addiction

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Did some shopping in Barrie with a friend, ended up with some neat t-shirts and Chip, my first Squishmellow (the beaver) because Thomasin can be cuddly, but cannot be counted on to be cuddly at all times.

Coke Dreamworld

Coke Dreamworld Zero tastes like someone mixed regular Coke and Inca Kola, but with an unpleasant artificial sweetener taste. Here's hoping I can find regular to give it a go

From the comments

James Petrosky: I encourage everyone to try Inca Kola if they can find it, it's a touch too sweet but deliciously citrusy and refreshing

Lina: Yeah, love Inca cola. Reminds me of this soft drink we had in Venezuela called Frescolita, it was red and like 100% sugar lol
James Petrosky: Lina I need to find a South American grocer somewhere and hope they have these pops

Gillian: The Dreamworld Coke tasted like they just mixed the leftover flavors from their other drinks and tossed them into regular Coke.

James Petrosky: Gillian honestly that sounds like my jam
Carolyn: James Petrosky you should definitely visit the Coca Cola museum then!
James Petrosky: Carolyn where is that?
Carolyn: James Petrosky Atlanta, Georgia, USA- they have a “tasting room” with all the flavors from around the world and some are gnarly
James Petrosky: Carolyn it's on the remission list

Ryan: It tasted like mango and a hint of guava to me. I like Inca Kola, but I wish they had a less caloric version in my town.

Tu: I thought it tasted like peaches! And I’ve occasionally found Inka Cola in the “Latin foods” section of large grocery stores. I always thought it tasted like bubblegum!

James Petrosky: Tu the parts I'm from don't have good Latin sections, unfortunately

James Petrosky: Not going to lie, didn't particularly enjoy regular variety. But I did find some Coke Quebec Maple and that was very nice

Taste still hasn't returned

Pro: I found a store that sells grey market American Vanilla Coke (no French on the label, inscrutable units)

Con: Covid-19 has decided I can't taste vanilla today

I also cleared out all the stores I could think of of Starlight, as a treat to myself when I do good at an appointment.

Fake medicine ads

I reflected on this on August 20, 2023

If your wondering how fast advertisements for nonsense natural remedies take over your feed, it's within hours (maybe quicker, I was at work and not paying full attention).

I've already blocked and reported a half dozen.

Right now I'm still in a position where I can laugh these off, block some scammers, and move on. If I start to break, someone please just point me at Science Based Medicine to set me straight again ❤️

The results are in, its appendex cancer

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Two days earlier, all the information I learned on the 3rd was confirmed through additional testing. This was the day I started sharing much more widely. This was a very bad week. Thomasin, as always, was a great comfort

Bad news

Friends, this is not going to be a happy post. I understand if you take a pass, just know that you're all important to me, you brighten and give colour to my life, and that I love you all.

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I've been diagnosed with cancer of the appendix. Its already spread to at least two other places. This is the source of the gut/abdominal/belly button pain I've been complaining about for a while. We've only suspected for just over two weeks. and only had it confirmed this week, so I don't know what the outlook is like, but I'm choosing to be hopeful.

Work friends, please keep this to yourselves. Work is the only place I can pretend things are normal right now and that is important to my mental health.

All friends, please don't tell me you're praying for me. That's often used as a passive aggressive threat towards atheists, and while I know you don't mean it that way, I'm already emotionally spent.

Again, you all mean the world to me, and the world is a better place having all you in it ❤

From the comments

James Petrosky: But seriously though the Ontario heathcare system is deeply flawed, but once the full weight of it is behind you things move fast.

James Petrosky: And for American friends, the combo of public health care and good employer benefits means I'm not worried financially.

A visit to Thornbury antiques

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Junk store fun

CBD

Holy crap CBD is a demon chemical that damns me to an unrestful sleep full of vivid and surreal dreams. I'll take seven.

From the comments

James Petrosky: Maybe I'm just overdoing it? Who knows. Prerolls are weird and I have no idea what I'm doing (other than trying to reliably fall asleep and remain asleep until morning)

Amber: James Petrosky vaping? Smoking? Edible?
James Petrosky: Amber 0.35g prerolled joint, so smoking. Buying small numbers of prerolls is the easiest way for me to find what I like, so I can then get dried flower for the vaporizer. Sadly I can't have edibles right now because they dehydrate me and because of a health problem that has to be avoided (but the problem also makes sleep difficult so catch 22)
Amber: James Petrosky edibles are expensive! I can’t do preroll because of asthma. A portable vape is great cuz I know my exact temp; easy on my lungs. It’s amazing learning smoking has no control and can overheat the preroll. Best of luck! Big learning curve but worth it!
James Petrosky: Amber I've been doing higher THC stuff since 2020, including edibles, but changing life situations has rendered the high THC stuff a poor choice because of elevated paranoia risk (I think related to the same issue, but maybe related to the bipolar disorder or something else) and the edible dehydration issue is a non-starter.
Amber: James Petrosky I’m sorry to hear that. Cbd is a good option for you then. No high, but nice and mellow. I vape sour space candy when I feel anxious and it works like a charm to calm me down. There’s so many strains, it’s overwhelming!
James Petrosky: Amber yeah I tried two this week, one did nothing and this one (Black widdow I think) was too much. It's not pure CBD numbers because the first was higher, but the second also had a small but meaningful amount of THC in it. Anyways, the search continues

The day after the biopsy

This was written on September 4th, 2022

The day after the appendix biopsy. The biopsy itself wasn't too bad, I generally take freezings well, but the position they had me in made my belly hurt in a way I didn't think pain could. 0/10.