Cancer Selfies

Support groups

Cycle 5, Day 7

I haven't felt as good as I have this week in a long time. Having energy is nice, and not as common as it used to be, but what's usually missing is the focus to be able to do anything, and the ability to take joy from activities.

With the help of the cancer centre social worker, I've got what I need to join support groups by and for cancer patients. I've even got a good lead on some groups that are all young people (I'm still a young person in cancer circles, apparently), which I'm really hoping can help with the social isolation that my immune system and the coming winter force on me.

The normal and the surreal

Cycle 4 Day 1

Another day, another visit to the chemo suite. It's astounding the things that can become routine. I've got the prep down, I know exactly when to leave home so I spend almost no time in the waiting room (the last two times they were looking for me within minutes of check in). I know when to ask for the injection for the hot flash side effects. I can time my second washroom trip so that I'm not connected to IVs and can walk feely and unencumbered. I know exactly how to set up my apartment for maximum comfort for both me and Thomasin. It's all routine. It's all normal. It's very surreal.

From the comments

James Petrosky: My moods have been a mess the past week or so, this was emotionally the hardest visit since the first. This is my life now, and it's really hard to accept.

Philip: It's really strange how people can adapt to these things. How long does your regimen usually take? Do you try to doze or do you have some activity to distract yourself?

James Petrosky: Its been pretty consistantly 2.5 hours from entering to leaving the hospital. I bring my phone and Switch to occupy myself, I haven't dozed yet because its an hour drive home and I want to be alert, and because I spend the next two days dozing. Lots of the other patients sleep, though, I assume their drug cocktails have stronger side effects.

James Petrosky: Nurse Thomasin reporting for duty (she's very, very content right now ❤️)

Avastin, again

Cycle 3, Day 8

Today was a much better day than yesterday. I threw up today. Quite a few times. But it was an overall good day. Never in my life did I expect to be here, but life can be strange sometimes.

This cycle we added a new drug to my chemotherapy cocktail. I'd been on something called Folfiri, which is a mixture of three drugs used to treat stage four colon cancer (and probably other things, too). This time we added a drug called Avastin. Avastin is used to treat a wider variety of cancers, and, very generally, acts to restrict blood vessels to tumors.

However, none of these drugs are targeted. And Avastin has some wicked side effects. I've had crippling headaches all week, and I suspect that my recent vomiting is also related. Happily, I have an appointment with my symptom management doctor next week, so I'm certain we'll be able to either resolve, or at least make manageable, these side effects.

Back at the marsh

Cycle 2, Day 5

Immediately noticeable side effects were pretty easy this time. I've learned how to properly take my side effect medicine, especially the one for nausea. My energy levels are back near where they were on last day 14.

But it was a bad weekend for my hair. After carefully brushing out a mat that developed over the weekend (probably started earlier, I've been really scared to touch it at all) I lost half a sink full. I knew this was coming.

From the comments

James Petrosky: My catbus has arrived

I learned to paint my nails

Cycle 1, Day 8

This cycle is now more than half over. I'm looking forward to my next visit to the chemo lounge with some trepidation, knowing now what it's going to bring, but also with the knowledge that I do physically feel a lot more well with treatment than without. My quality of life has not been better in months.

However, I have to visit the hospital Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday for consultations, bloodwork, treatment, and other care. Being sick is exhausting, but beautiful fall days (that I forgot to document) like today make the whole mess so very worth it

From the comments

James Petrosky: Also I think I have a problem

James Petrosky: I'm not great yet, but I have lots of time to practice

Superstar, criminal kittycat & pumpkins

Cycle 1 Day 7

Lots today, let's do bullets!

• Thomasin is a cute criminal (but very much a criminal)
• Thomasin is surprisingly good on a harness ❤️
• You should imagine me, driving down Balm Beach Road (short bit of highway between two towns, 80 limit), windows down, singing along with Karen Carpenter to Superstar, because I was on Balm Beach Road four times today and it happened each time (add karaoke to the remission list)
• I love carving pumpkins, but I love eating pumpkin seeds even more (a project for tomorrow)
• I love garlic bread as much as I love pumpkin seeds
• Get your fucking booster, it's one of the things anyone can do that takes no effort that makes my life, and the life of all immunocompromised people, a little easier (it also helps you ❤️) (Ontarians of all ages can get the bivalent vaccine starting the 26th) I got mine today because I'm immunocompromised now and we qualify early
• That's all, friends have a great night ❤️ (and maybe to listen to Superstar, if only to sing along to the chorus)

Addendum:

• Sweet Chilli Heat Doritos remain the best instantaneous cure for nausea available commercially, which honestly makes no sense but has been true since at least 2007

From the comments

Good days are possible with chemo

Cycle 1 Day 6

Even when you're sick with a potentially terminal illness, some days are just days. I did hobbies today. I played video games. I listened to podcasts without skipping around to only get light subject matter. I got some okay chip truck fries and baked them in a convection oven twice to make excellent chip truxk fries. I fired up my 3D printer for the first time since I was in trade school to make a joke at my own expense. I finally, one year later, finished modifying a Value Village tripod and took not great (but lots of fun) night photos.

Some days are just normal. They're rare. I treasure them.

From the comments

James Petrosky: This is from 2020 but the GoPro software is hinky and uploaded it again and it's a really good photo of Thomasin and I so why not share it again ❤️

Feeling good five days after chemo

Cycle 1, Day 5

On day 5 I finally felt good enough to actually do stuff. It's wild to walk out of Canadian Tire and feel "yes, that was a pleasant trip that I both needed to take and did not make me feel upset in any way".

My apartment has never had a number on it, which has suited my desire for privacy, but not being monstrous to home care nurses ranks pretty high on my list of desires.

Plus! The weather today is extremely late summer/early fall and the breeze is perfect. I might take a picnic to the water if the weather holds.

I still feel a little sick, like I could throw up, but not like it's iminant. I'm getting used to it, but I'm feeling unwell most of the time. I don't think I can enjoy apple anymore, at least for a while, which is a pain because apple sause is one of the main foods recommended for this sort of queesy feeling in general, and especially for chemo patients.

From the comments

James Petrosky: Eff it, it's a bit cool out (newly repaired thermometer reads 21.7C) but I've got the body fat to sit outside in the shade (one of the chemotherapy drugs makes you very photosensitive so it has to be the shade) so bonus recreation of an earlier profile pic

The first chemo bottle day

Cycle 1, Day 2

I still have my take home bottle of chemo, it'll be removed late tomorrow morning. I'm not sure which of the drugs caused it, but I threw up last night. I've mostly slept since all day, but did get to see my parents before they returned to Northern Ontario for a few days. I had three phone calls (two followup, one scheduled) and I'm exhausted.

From the comments

James Petrosky: The bathroom of a chemotherapy patient is considered potentially hazardous. Other humans can use it so long as they follow a few ground rules, but animals are not allowed in.

Some animals are extremely offended at this

James Petrosky: I tried to capture it, but the lighting wasn't great, the dark blue pouch on my torso attacked to the belt I bought in Peru over a decade ago (and finally found its use) is the chemo bottle. It's a lot less of a pain than I thought it would be, the only slight challenge is keeping Thomasin away from a fun fun springy hose. She's been good, though.

The first visit to the chemo suite

Cycle 1, Day 1

I expected that to be a lot worse.

The night before chemotherapy

Tomorrow is it, day one of my first round of chemotherapy. I'd be lying to you if I said I was okay, or that I was calm, or ready. Because I'm none of those things. I haven't even fully come to terms with my diagnosis. There's been no time, and getting to this point as fast as possible has quite literally been a case of life and death. I'm exhausted, I'm anxious, I can't sleep.

Tomorrow beings answers to important questions like how will I tolerate chemotherapy, what are my side effects going to be like, how careful am I going to have to be.

Tomorrow brings hope. The only way out of this for me is through the cancer centre, through these appointments. It's absolutely terrifying, every single part of this has been terrifying. Every new pain has been the terror of further spread. Every Covid-19 type symptom for months terrified me that I'd delay this process (and now will cause anxiety because I'm about to become immunocompromised). Every single thing that is slightly abnormal is a new horror. And they will all remain horrors, the thing that has replaced university exams or abusive Target liquidation customers as the antagonist of my stress dreams. But, tomorrow, I also to start striking back. And that's not nothing.

Sushi thief

Its not all bad, all my silly stuffed animals do honestly help. I surround myself in them and it's comforting. Except for Thomasin, who protests until she gets a whole side to herself.

Also, cheap supermarket sushi lunch. I can only eat sushi for another four days so I'm enjoying even the cheap stuff while I can. But someone else was also really interested in it, so we had to battle a bit. Don't worry, it's tuna melts for dinner, she's going to get her favourite fish, too.

A Kitty cat break

I wanted to go for a walk, but Thomasin had other ideas. She loves cuddles in the computer chair, and I sit with her as long as I can, but it's often a very painful position. Tonight I had to get up first, and she's sulking about it.

An ice cream break

Today has been an exhausting day, physically and mentally. Mentally, going into work for the last time before treatment was a lot. Everyone has a different way to process bad news from an acquaintance or coworker. And I've been unable to control the pain at all the last couple of days, I have some ideas why (because nothing materially changed with my condition the last few days, so it's got to be behavioural in part) and I have an appointment with my nurse practitioner next Tuesday, so we'll get this solved.

Anyways, ice cream always helps. My favourite place is soon to be closed for the winter, so I simply must take advantage before then. Thomasin has become aggressively cuddly, she really enjoys when I spend lots of time at home, so at least someone is going to benefit from my situation ❤️

From the comments

Some bonus Thomasin

The dye job: Dying

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Dying hair, and some late night dyed hair photos. I really wanted it to look like the bright blue of the first few photos, but the green is great and we have plans to go again soon ❤️ Love my light skulls though, a project I actually finished.

After a day trip to Barrie, Ontario

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Post solo trip, celebrating with my new friend Nessie, plus also Chip and of course Thomasin. It was a simple, but perfect, day ❤️

An important decision

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Today I consciously decided to try and take more photos of myself, after decades of doing my best to not be in anything. I'm not good at it, but I'm trying.

Some light retail therapy, the start of an addiction

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Did some shopping in Barrie with a friend, ended up with some neat t-shirts and Chip, my first Squishmellow (the beaver) because Thomasin can be cuddly, but cannot be counted on to be cuddly at all times.

The results are in, its appendex cancer

This was written on September 4th, 2022

Two days earlier, all the information I learned on the 3rd was confirmed through additional testing. This was the day I started sharing much more widely. This was a very bad week. Thomasin, as always, was a great comfort

The day after the biopsy

This was written on September 4th, 2022

The day after the appendix biopsy. The biopsy itself wasn't too bad, I generally take freezings well, but the position they had me in made my belly hurt in a way I didn't think pain could. 0/10.